Letter from the EIC: Purchasing Chinese sex toys

BlogDailyHerald gets some pretty weird spam. A little over a year ago, we received a polite email from a “sex toys manufacturer in DongGuan city of China,” offering to fufill any of our varied sex toy needs. Our now Editor-in-Chief, who was interested in the possibility of purchasing adult toys from DongGuan, decidedly engaged in thoughtful email correspondence with Winy, the salesman from Leaslo Sex Toys co.ltd. What better way to prepare for Valentine’s Day, the most romantic of holidays, than read the exchange of questions and information between a curious editor and his faithful sex toy supplier? We now present to you, “Re: i am interested in your audlt massager toy.”

 

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Dear sir:
This is Winy kong from lealso sex toys co.ltd.

Lealso international sex toys.co.,ltd is a professional adult products, sex toys manufacturer in DongGuan city of China. Experienced in design & manufacture of sex toys. Our current flagship products include vibrating eggs, vibrators, massagers, dildos, vibrating cock rings, anal toys, masturbate cups, and man & woman sex toys

we have experienced design team and skilled workers in this line, so if you have any need in this kind of product, please contact us, i will offer you our best price
Looking forward your inquiry with detailed request

Best regards
Winy kong

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Dear Mr. Winy,
Thank you so much for your unexpected message. I am tremendously interested in learning more about the services your firm offers.
I located a prime vibrating cock ring on Amazon for what appears to be a steal at $5.88 (see here), but the terms of your email force me to imagine–beyond my better judgment–that you might be willing to offer an even better price.
I’m also curious as to whether your ‘masturbate cups’ offer the “ultimate clinging sensation” advertised in this minor YouTube hit. I have never been fortunate enough to actually encounter a masturbate cup in the flesh, so I’ll have to take your word for their efficacy.
Finally, a business proposal stemming from your suggestion that we will–by some apparent privilege–be offered your “best price.” Your phrasing leads me to believe that there are others being offered not-best prices. If you would be willing to provide me with a list of these customers of lesser esteem, we might be able to work out a mutually agreeable arrangement in which we at BlogDailyHerald would purchase your top-shelf products at “best price,” then swing them to these other schmoes at a profit. Perhaps I shouldn’t telegraph my business strategy so early in the game, but my philosophy has always been that collusion works best when all parties involved are aware it is occurring.
I will await your response anxiously. It has always been my dream to deal in the Chinese sex toy trade.
Yours always,
A. Pujols
Business Manager Extraordinare
BlogDailyHerald Corp.
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Dear A. Pujols:
Really nice to receive reply from you
we cann’t visit youtube, because this is not allow by Chinese search engine.  so i cann’t see the links you showed in your last mail.
But please rest assured i will offer you our best price for all of our sex items, attached is our quotation sheet for your reference, please check and see which items you have interest( and if you request quantity is lower then our MOQ, then please inform me and i need to check our stock).
i donn’t know which kind of cock ring you will need, so i quote you several different styles.  i believe there must be one suitable for your market
for the masturbate cups you mentioned, we have several different styles which can meet men’s full senses,  you can see the picture and description i put in our quotation excel file
Hope our product will attract you attention and waiting for your comments on it.
Looking forward establish business relationship with you
Best regards
Winy
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Dear Winy:

Sorry you could not see the video I attached. It is excellent, and the production value is tremendous. You should write to the government and ask them why they don’t allow access to YouTube but are quite alright with email marketing of sex toys. If you get a response, forward it on, as I’m quite curious about the subject myself.
After a great struggle with my computer’s better judgment, I was able to open and peruse your inventory spreadsheet. I fear some of the sights therein can never be unseen. My reactions are as follows:
1. Your Wireless Remote Vibrator (Item LA-10017), while featuring an appealing pink color and boasting 10 speed pulse vibration, looks strikingly similar to a standard wireless computer mouse. Is this a bonus feature? I sense a steal at $7.73.
2. I was given some pause by the first two items in the dildos catalog, the “Andrew Glamorous Penis” and “Joe Glamorous Arms” (Items LA-40001 and LA-40002, respectively). Who are Andrew and Joe? Can I trust that their anatomies serve as ideal templates off of which a top-flight dildo should be modeled? Please attach appropriate images, if possible.
3. I notice that many of your products offer “blister packing.” That terminology didn’t conjure the most fantastic imagery after being primed by forty pictures of penis toys.
4. When you advertise the 8″ Vibrating Dildo with Suction Cups (LA-40026) in flesh color, whose flesh are we talking? Seeing as the alternative colors are black and brown, I imagine I already know the answer. This marketing concerns me, as my associates and I certainly do not wish for our sex toy demand to contribute to any perpetuation of racially normative value systems.
5. I’m having difficulty discerning the intended differences between the Pink Butt Vortex and Pink Anus Vortex (Items LA-60018 and LA-60019). Please provide clarification, if possible using a Venn Diagram.
6. How did the Electric Cola Cup (Item LA-60034) sneak its way into the catalog? Do your customers often complain that they lack vessels with which to quench their thirst after a tiresome romp with their new toys? If so, I am interested in a potential deal in which every individual item purchased is accompanied by its own Electric Cola Cup (priced at a bulk discount, of course).
7. I really wasn’t aware there was so much demand for rabbit-shaped vibrators (Items LA-70001 through LA-70019). I’m not sure I’m prepared to drop extra coin on a petting zoo-themed gimmick.
Around page 15 of 22 I was forced to close the document due to some stress-induced nausea. My apologies.
In any case, thank you for your swift correspondence. I remain interested in learning more. Can your items be customized? For instance, I recently ordered a pillow with a picture of my pet cat on it. Could I also order a vibrating cock ring emblazoned with a similarly meaningful image? Let me know! Our audience goes batty for the personal touch.
All the best,
A. Pujols
Czar of Financial Tomfoolery
BlogDailyHerald LLC LTD Inc.
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Dear A. Pujols:
Tks for your detailed comments on our sex toy.
The following is my answer based on your comments:
1. Wireless Remote Vibrator (Item LA-10017), this is a good quality vibrating egg, the raw material is silicone and ABS, with
 wireless remote control function. it’s a delicate and carefully designed item.    mouse vibrator is normal eggs with wire. so the
 production cost is much lower/
2. for LA-40001 and LA-40002, you can check the detialed description in the excel file. then you can know if their size suitbale for your market.  i attached 2 clearer picture in this letter for your reference
3. you are right our normal packaging is blister, so if you want to change in gift box, or other, we can make as per you requested, while you need have quantity production
4.LA-40026, flesh color means human body color. it is natural color.   also can be made into other colors if our customer request.and raw material is PVC
5.Items LA-60018, is an Anal flashlight and LA-60019 is an ass flashlight. when you tear it, it will appear women Female genital.   they are both for men to use, just differrent in body part.
6.LA-60034, you are right, we have’t show vivid picture in the catalogue, i took sveral picture for you to have a clear view for this product.   and tks for your advise, we will improve in our further quotation sheet
7.rabbit vibrator is our hot sale items this year. and noted you donn’t consider this item
8.if you have time, please take a visit to see more of our products.   www.lealso.com
waiting for your reply
have a nice day, my friend
Best regards
Winy
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Dearest Winy:

Once again prevailing over my own better judgment, I took a trip to your website. I found some of the links a bit confusing, such as the link titled “International trade” which, when clicked, takes the browser to a page that reads “International trade” in big font and then only “International trade” again in smaller font underneath. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my visit, and particularly the Lealso logo, which appears to depict two lovers undergoing the traditional sex toy foreplay ritual of gazing into each other’s eyes while kneeling.
I was very impressed by the ingenuity behind the Electric Cola Cup, which I can now see from the attached images has a little fake vagina where the Cola might be expected to go. This is perfect for all those times you want to casually carry around your mock vagina toy in public but don’t want people to know it’s anything besides a sketchy plastic cup with Chinese lettering.
Despite your best efforts at explaining, I remain in the dark about the distinction between the anus and ass flashlights, but I imagine that the ass flashlight depicts more of the cheek area, while the anus flashlight really gets all up in there.
I am disappointed to not receive a response about customizing my products with personal images. I have a lot of Christmas shopping coming up and nothing says “I love you” like a dildo with a picture of myself on it. Please advise on this subject.
Looking forward to many wasted hours of continued correspondence. I have a long paper due soon and exchanging these messages is deeply preferable to writing it.
Eternally yours,
A. Pujols
VP of Sex Toy Outreach
BlogDailyHerald Transnational

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