During many an afternoon in the Blue Room, I have heard Brown students talking about the muffins with the same excitement and pleasure in their voices as their most recent hook-ups. My mind could not help but wander. If the muffins were different sexual positions, what would they be?
Corn muffin = hand job. Seriously, what is the point of a corn muffin? I guess it does the job of satisfying your hunger, but there is little joy to it. Some could say the same about a hand job: takes care of business, but rarely great or memorable. You deserve an upgrade.
Blueberry muffin = missionary. Ordering a blueberry muffin shows little originality, just like the missionary position. Not that it can’t be satisfying, but there is nothing too special about it.
One muffin in a tin of 1,000.
Lemon poppyseed muffin = cowgirl (cowphe?). Lemon poppy is definitely a step up from the blueberry, but it is still a pretty standard muffin. You know it will be good, but there are so many other exciting options out there. Treat yo’self!
This looks pretty good, I won’t lie.
Chocolate chip muffin = doggy style. In my humble opinion, the best muffin and the best sex position. Always enjoyable, yet you feel a little on the wild side. The chocolate chip muffin seems healthier than the chocolate chip cookie, so you can feel good about yourself eating it, while still getting the rush of eating chocolate. A win-win!
Red velvet muffin = BDSM. The “Red Room of Pain” from 50 Shades of Grey got it right: red velvet is sexy AF. Out of the box (it is so obviously a cupcake, not a muffin), and not the most popular flavor, but for those who dare to go for it. Who knows what will happen?
Hot and dangerous.
Pistachio muffin = shower sex. For both the muffin and the sex, there is something that shouldn’t work about it. Pistachios are salty, and shower sex is difficult (and potentially dangerous). Both just work gloriously, however. Fun and playful, the muffin and the sex can be hard to forget.
French Toast muffin = 69. Such a good idea in theory, and for the first five minutes, you are totally into it. After that, though, you are left thinking, “Why am I still doing this?”
This makes my stomach hurt just looking at it.
Butter rum muffin = threesome. Decadent to the extreme and should not be attempted more than once.
This picture technically has three muffins in it. Just sayin’.
Cinnamon coffeecake muffin = sex with sex toys. Cinnamon coffee cake is great. Cinnamon coffeecake in muffin form is even better. Same can be said about sex with sex toys.
Sticky and sweet.
While you may disagree on these pairings due to personal tastes (in both muffins and sex positions), there is no doubt you will be thinking about it next time you pick up a warm Blue Room muffin. Enjoy!