One snowy Saturday, three bloggers decided to get drunk, sober, and high and go to Sky Zone Indoor Trampoline Park. Upon arrival, they were informed that the wait time was over two hours. After contemplating bribing small children with candy for their special orange Sky Zone socks or sneaking into an 8-year-old’s birthday party, they decided it would be best to put their jumping plans on hold. What was Plan B, you might ask? No, not ceramics painting, or attending the Providence Children’s Museum. The bloggers decided to venture to Wickenden Street’s own sex shop, Mister Sister. There, they stumbled upon a variety of edible sex items and decided to try–or in this case just taste–them.
High: I’ve been to Mister Sister before (guilty), but never bought anything. I think I might want to touch everything. I hope the employee working there can’t tell I’m high. Wow, I never realized how many random fucking fast food restaurants there are in Rhode Island.
This place is awesome and freaky at the same time. If you’ve never been in, you should go. I’ve always wondered why we have a campus sex shop and not, like, a chopped salad restaurant. I know those things are completely unrelated, but I think I’m still angry about Skewers. Such a waste of space.
Drunk: I didn’t realize just how many shapes could be transformed into a vibrator. Some look like small pebbles that you could skip across a river, while others resemble Gumby. Christian’s Grey’s character makes more sense after flipping boxes to find the price tags – most “toys” were $60+. My budget doesn’t really cover kinky at the moment.
Sober: Drunk is giggling to herself. High keeps touching everything, which for some reason makes me uncomfortable even though I know the display products are clean. Some of these vibrators are so small and cute!!!
H: I’ve run away from all of the handcuffs and whips because they’re really intense. I know BDSM is “in” because of Fifty Shades, but it’s a little much for me right now. There are some awesome books in here behind the paddles. Maybe I should buy one for my boyfriend as a (kinda) joke. No, this book about cunnilingus is $30, not happening.
S: High holds up a whip and asks Drunk if she’s been a “bad girl.” I think it’s time to leave.
The first thing that catches my eye is rectangular pouch labeled “BJ Blast,” which really just looks like a bag of Pop Rocks. Next to it is a little tin can of “Comfortably Numb” chocolate mints, which are meant to numb your throat to make it easier to give a blowjob (did they have to get that name approved by Pink Floyd, though?). On a shelf nearby is a big box containing a candy G-string. I grabbed all three products and proposed a taste test.
H: There are a lot more edible things in here than I thought!! Flavored lube and condoms are so passé. I’m excited. And hungry.
D: I’ve regrettably been inside and purchased items from Mister Sister, but was eager to try new things – mainly, the candy. Skipping lunch was clearly a mistake, because the penis-shaped sour candies actually look incredibly appetizing. Sober asked which flavor BJ candy I preferred and I said green apple. I was overruled and we went with cherry.
H: First thing’s first: the pop rocks. I mean they’re not actually Pop Rocks, but they taste exactly the same. And I remember now why I stopped eating Pop Rocks to begin with because I HATE the mouth sensation. I would never use these for their actual purpose (if they feel this weird in my mouth, imagine them down there!!!!). Also these are supposed to be cherry flavor and they definitely taste like grape. Talk about deception. Well, Drunk won’t stop eating them.
D: After cracking open a hard cider, I started with the BJ rock candy. It didn’t really taste cherry flavored, but I started wondering why anyone would want this sensation in their mouth while they’re down there. It tasted pretty good with the cider, though. Basically, this candy ruined my childhood memories of eating Pop Rocks, failed to suppress my hunger, and turned my tongue bright red all at once. I continued to eat them. I might have even finished the packet.
S: I’m a huge fan of Pop Rocks, so I was excited about these. I was disappointed, though, to find out that they taste like sandy grapes. Drunk seems to like these a lot, so I decide that she’s trying the numbing mints first.
D: Throat-numbing oral mints: chocolate flavored Altoids that are twice as expensive. That was my original assumption. But Sober keeps handing me more mints and I keep popping them in my mouth. They don’t taste great, so I keep eating the BJ rocks and sipping my drink to wash out the taste. I can’t feel my cider on the back of my tongue. I can’t feel where the mints are in my mouth. I can’t feel my cheeks. Maybe I’ll keep these…
H: These mints are yummy, I like the chocolate-mint flavor. Except I feel like it’s not getting any smaller. Oh my god, half my tongue is numb. This is awful!! Is it ever going to go away?! Get out of my mouth NOW. Yuck, I’d rather just do the thing the old fashioned way. Such a freaky sensation. Never again.
S: The mints were okay for a second but then started to taste like a cough drop. I feel like spraying Chloraseptic in your throat would be more effective and probably last longer… Drunk has at least two mints in her mouth, which seems like a bad idea based off of the way High is reacting to her tongue being numb.
High thinks that we’re going to take turns trying on the G-string the way it’s meant to be worn, which I have remind her is so unsanitary if we’re planning on eating it. I take a bite and pass it to Drunk, who takes a bite and passes it to High, who takes a bite and puts it on her head. So there’s that.
D: The candy G-string tastes awful, so I’m sneaking more BJ rocks, since no one else seems to like them. I don’t think I was that sneaky. High is putting the G-string on her head. Does anyone actually buy these products and take them seriously? I could really use a nap.
H: Sober wouldn’t let me actually put on the G-string so I put it on my head instead. It tastes exactly like a candy necklace, so pretty lame. All the colors taste the same. It’s much more fun to play with it than to eat it. I’m trying to figure out who would fit in this thing. Do you think that someone actually spent the time to eat the ENTIRE thing off of their partner?