1,000 ways to die at Brown

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As morbid as it might be, there are plenty of ways to die at Brown. College is a dangerous place. Winter is a dangerous season. The new Campus Snapstory encourages students to do attention-grabbing things. The buildings are 200 years old. You never know what’s gonna happen, so you may as well be wary of the ways you might find your demise here on campus. Most are uncontrollable, but you may as well know, in case there’s any way to prepare for the danger that lies ahead.

1. Being smushed when the person in front of you on line for the Ratty neglects to hold the door open. Or being blown backwards, flying up, and getting smashed on the inside Ratty doors when those 1,000 mph winds are unleashed while trying to leave. (Basically, you’re screwed pre- and post-Cajun pasta.)

2. In something that looks like a scene from I Am Legend, you are climbing to the third floor in Health Services and the slanted spiral staircase, in slow motion, collapses beneath you.

3. Sledding down College Hill and making a grand entrance right into the below-freezing Providence River. We’re talking a deadly drowning/hypothermia combo.

4. On that note — being impaled by a six-foot dangling icicle.

5. A big disk (is that a light? a fan? a UFO?) that hangs from the Ratty ceiling falls and lands right on your head, creating something that looks like this:

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(And obviously you’ll just be sitting there, like, “Oh, bother.”)

6. Getting trapped between City Sports and FedEx Kinko’s. You know, like stuck horizontally two feet above the ground in the in the nine inch crack between the buildings.

7. Being blindsided by a RIPTA bus as it turns into the tunnel, casually.

8. Eating the catfish. Kareem’s Catfish. (We’re looking at you, Kareem, whoever you are.)

9. Being picked, poked, grilled, and eaten as a “kaboob” on a skewer.

10. A Jo’s salad chopper irresponsibly uses his ninja skills. A very large knife flies into the air and decapitates you. Gracefully.

11. Being on the tennis team.

12. Becoming supremely invested in your reflection so much that you walk into oncoming traffic by BioMed or really just anywhere on Thayer.

13. Dysentery by Blue Room sushi. Always a shot in the dark.

14. Meningitis — too soon? Or too likely?

15. Eating a crisp apple in the Leung Gallery and being targeted by a citizen vigilante with a bow and arrow who perches on the mezzanine.

16. A stage dive goes wrong during Binder. Not only do you fall to the ground (everyone is way too concerned with doing the proper motions to “Fast Food” to catch you) but you also drown in the lake/mud puddle that is Wriston. The water is three feet deep this year.

17. Hit-and-run by Plouf Plouf. They started by knocking down trees. Offenders always begin with menial crimes starting at a very young age. Be wary of the warning signs.

18. Being thrown into the shark tank at Shark, and going down in flames (not literally) Jaws-style (literally).

19. While walking home one Wednesday night slightly inebriated, you are nibbled to bits by squirrels who mistake the smell that emanates from the “firecrackers” in your backpack for something really nutty.

20. The Grad Center stairs have given you an excuse not to go to the gym for a reason. They are, perhaps, the deadliest thing on campus, and give ample reason to never set foot in Bear’s Lair ever… as if Bear’s Lair itself was not ample reason to avoid working out.

We hope this list can save you from at least some of the perils of Brown. [Ed’s note: But we definitley don’t have time to list all 1000…]

Images via and Taylor DeRosa ’16.

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