The rise of premature Main Green Bro

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Yesterday was the first truly warm day of the semester, and there’s no denying that the vast majority of people on College Hill are incredibly thankful for the much-needed break from last month’s onslaught of blizzards. But, it’s unlikely that every day after this one will be equally warm, which brings a serious problem to those who frequent the Main Green on a daily basis — i.e everyone. We’re talking, of course, about the inevitable rise of the premature Main Green Bro (bro being here employed as a term that may refer to any gender identity).

Most people will be familiar with another common occurrence of springtime: premature Tank Bro. Hipster Runoff (R.I.P) defines premature tank bro in relation to his/her fall-based cousin, premature scarf bro. If premature scarf bro is the bro who chooses to wear a scarf in 60 degree weather, premature tank bro is the bro who chooses to wear a tank when it’s 40 degrees out. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing either of these things. You may run the risk of being too hot or too cold, but if temperature doesn’t happen to be a concern for you, go right ahead.

Now, premature tank bro is a nationwide—perhaps worldwide—phenomenon. But there is a very Brown-specific type of premature bro that always seems to appear around this time of the year: premature Main Green bro, who sits out on the Main Green when most people would judge it a little too cold to do so. And this particular year, premature Main Green bros would be better off waiting until their appearance is a little less premature.

To be clear: this request is not a value judgment. Nine years out of ten, the courageous cadres of premature Main Green bros are a welcome sight in the early phases of spring: there’s something truly wonderful about seeing your friends lounging on green grass, perhaps with a blanket underneath them, typing away diligently or reading books even when it’s too cold to really warrant doing these things in an outdoors environment. It would, after all, be unbecoming of Brown students to subscribe to a strict policy of when it is and is not acceptable to sit outside on the Main Green. The cold never bothered them, anyway.

But this year is different. This request is a public service announcement: there is simply too much snow on the Main Green to tolerate premature Main Green bros appearing at this stage in time. Those who make the mistake of taking up the mantle of premature Main Green bro this year—and it is a mantle, to be sure—risk sitting upon hard, snowy ground and/or grass soaked in freezing water. It’s nothing short of a health hazard on the scale of Providence College’s meningitis outbreak. If you happen to enjoy getting your hindquarters cold and wet, you’re still good, but it’s safe to say that most people do not.

The good news? If you’re a premature Main Green bro who just can’t wait until warmer temperatures erode your ability to do outdoor activities prematurely, there are still a whole host of premature bro roles you can fill:

Premature Faunce steps bro: the steps are solid concrete, meaning that sitting on them will not soak your clothes in freezing water/mud. And the Faunce steps are practically the Main Green!

Premature slack-liner bro: the people who have already taken the time to set up a slack-line between two trees and walk on it with their bare feet won’t be deterred by a little snow on the ground. Sounds like fun!

Premature frisbee bro(s): don’t slip on the snow, and you’re good to go.

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