Brouhaha: Spring Weekend Packing List

SW

Crampons definitely a must.

Brouhaha is an all-new, entirely satirical column. It’s (my) views, jokes, and opinions are by no means endorsed by Blog. My editors made me say that so that I wouldn’t besmirch Blog Daily Herald’s sterling journalistic accolades with my bullshit. Enjoy.

Spring Weekend is starting very soon. While most folks are getting pretty stoked about the performances, it’s important to remember to thoroughly prepare yourself for the festivities. Please consult the packing list below to ensure that you are ready to enjoy Spring Weekend in a safe, responsible, and fun way.

Boxing gloves are essential items at any concert. They will protect your fingernails, while also allowing you to more easily maneuver to the front of the crowd by punching anyone who stands in your way. You should be fine with a basic model such as the Everlast Pro Style Training Gloves, but if you’re looking to really get ahead of the crowd, I’d recommend the Venum Challenger 2.0.

Once you’ve fought your way to within spitting zone of the stage, a good a pair crampons will help you keep your ground. You really don’t want to skimp on the crampons, because with a lower-quality pair you’ll be swept away in no time (remember, most people will be wearing boxing gloves). My personal recommendation is the Black Diamond Sabretooth Pro Step-In with ABS Plates. Trust me, those puppies are so strong they could keep you rooted to the ceiling.

Crampons

Just look at those ABS plates…Wow.

 

Once you’ve fought your way to the front of the crowd, and rooted yourself to the ground, you’ll want to stay for a while. To reduce muscular fatigue in your legs and feet, a good pair of Moon Boots is a must. Moon Boots are comfy and fun, and the various color options are a great way to express your unique Spring Weekend style. Jump into some Moon Boots, snap on your Black Diamond Sabretooths, and you’ll be wylin’ and stylin’ until the morning comes, at which point you’ll need a bulldozer to tear you and your crampons out of the lawn.

Concerts can get a little rowdy sometimes, and you can’t always be prepared to defend yourself with your boxing gloves. For this reason, added chest protection will ensure that you have a safe and fun Spring Weekend. A good old medieval breast plate should do the trick. And while you’re at it, you may as well get a Benzara Metal Crusader Helmet, to protect you from localized head injuries and rogue beer throwers.

Crusader helmet

On second thought, maybe you should just stay home.

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