SNL’s Stefon’s Guide to Summer

If the Hangover, Godfather, and Spider-Man franchises taught us anything, it was that you can never ruin something great by doing it not once, not twice, but three times. So, here is Stefon is back to give you the hottest tips on the hottest parties for what is sure to be the hottest summer ever (#globalwarming #parties).

stefon

If you don’t know who Stefon is yet, that means you have no life and don’t enjoy laughter; it also means that you don’t read my blog posts, which is hurtful, rude, and you should just leave. Stefon’s return to Blog marks the end of the year, and the beginning of summer. I (Hank as Stefon) could not be more excited for summer, so without further ado, here is a list of hot parties (pun very much intended) to look out for this summer.

The hottest party this summer is… pool party. Everyone has that one friend they pretend to be friends with because they have a pool. So make sure to text that loser and act like you are interested in how their year was and secure yourself an invite to their above ground pool now. Cool off poolside, with some skunked beers from the trunk of your friend’s dad’s car, your swim shirt (not because you aren’t comfortable with your body, but because surfers wear them, and surfers are cool, just like you), and deflated floaties. Pools are dope, and so are you, so why would’t you kick it poolside? Nothing is more fun then swimming through all the dead leaves and bugs floating on the top of the water! Fun pool games include trying to hold your breath underwater for five minutes, belly flop contests, and swimming the butterfly.

A good example of a pool party

The hottest party this summer is… family barbecue. You are finally home and your family is going to be all over you. Lucky you! Get ready for tons of questions like, “Did you make any friends?” “Are you pre-med yet?” and “Was there no gym on campus?” Family fun is in right now, so get ready for tons of it. Plus, your dad just read in some magazine that real men grill, so he is now likely referring to himself as the “King of the Grill” or “God of Charcoal,” so get ready for tons of lectures about the importance of finding the perfect temperature and accidentally burning your eyebrows off as you try to flip the overcooked steaks.

Hank's dad

The hottest party this summer is… beach day. It’s summer and all of your friends will you make you go to your local beach (assuming you live near one). Beaches have everything: kids who aren’t great at swimming, sharks, sand, and tons of locals with lower back tattoos. Going to the beach is just like all those sweet sixteens you went to, but rather than having a T-Pain impersonator and someone popping out of a cake, you’re at high risk of getting stung by a jelly-fish and no cake will be served. Beaches are so hot right now, literally! So take advantage of the polar ice caps melting and the extra ocean water, and get to your nearest beach as soon as possible. Also, make sure to forget the sunblock at home. You have been trapped in the Rock all spring, and you need to get your sunburn on ASAP. You want to come home from the beach as pink as possible (APAP). APAP ASAP.

From our trip to the beach last year

The hottest party this summer is… chasing an ice cream truck. Need to get in shape, but also crave ice cream? This party is the perfect thing for you. Ice cream is the perfect way to cool off from that summer heat, while also quenching your insatiable hunger for soft serve and rocket pops. However, you just finished up a year of eating strictly Blue Room muffins and Ratty hot dogs, so you are looking to slim down for the fall. Tough situation. Good thing Stefon (me) has you covered. When you hear the classic ring of an ice cream truck and your need for ice cream kicks in, do not immediately head over. Rather, wait for the truck to finish serving all of your ten-year-old neighbors and begin to drive away. Then, chase after it as fast as possible, cutting through yards, hurtling fences, and crossing highways, as you stick in hot pursuit of your addiction, ICE CREAM. Run and run until you finally catch up, proving your worth as an ice cream eater to the driver, who will immediately give you all the free ice cream you can stomach before your brain freezes or your lactose intolerance kicks in. Ice cream plus fitness is a Stefon summer win-win.

Hank, c. 2000

The hottest party this summer is… squatting at Brown. No summer job? You are in luck. Rather than going home and being bothered by your parents for your lack of ambition and focus, just stay at Brown! Don’t take classes, because only idiots take classes. Rather, just squat in the basement of some dorm (I suggest a trash room or maintenance closet), scavenge for food like a Main Green squirrel, and do your best not to be caught. Not only is it fun, but it is also a growing experience. When your parents ask where you are, lie to them, and tell them you secured a really competitive internship and that you will never be returning home. Use this “fib” as a chance to earn yourself some freedom and guarantee a summer of fun (and by fun I mean solitude and lack of hygiene).

yeah, we don't really get why Hank wanted this image either

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