A real Martian reviews “The Martian”

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Above: not a Martian

I mean, where do I even begin? You all have been pretty nosy this week, what with the finding water last Monday. And NASA releasing all those pictures! I mean some solitude would be nice, really. Just because you all like looking your house up on Google Earth doesn’t mean you get to involve other planets in your sick voyeurism. We didn’t ask to be number one at the box office this weekend. We are a species which values privacy, and if you can’t give us that, at the very least, accuracy please.

First of all, Matt Damon is not a Martian. He just isn’t. Being on Mars does not make you a Martian any more than visiting China makes you Chinese. And if you want to call Mars a, “hostile environment”, maybe stop trying to sell planetary colonization efforts to the public (cough cough NASA/SpaceX/MarsOne). No one is making you come. No one is making you stay.

That said, the performances were pretty good. I would listen to Jessica Chastain tell me to do anything. Donald Glover and Kristen Wiig actually killed the high budget drama. Although, I’m not entirely sure I count this as a drama. Matt Damon did say the words, “I’m going to have to science the shit out of this”, so let’s take the category of drama with a grain of salt. Who wrote this thing? He also talks to his plants a lot.

As for the plot, it was far fetched but that seems inevitable. If Matt Damon was so smart, why the hell does he think it’s a good idea to light a fire in space? What’s the backup, Matt? The world thinks you’re dead, so the least effective way to prove you’re alive is to explode your home base. That isn’t to say I have a better solution. All I’m saying is this is sci-fi. You can make shit up and people are generally pretty forgiving because the vast majority of them don’t have doctorates in physics.

And Jeff Daniels. Let’s talk. You’re the Director of NASA and you think you can be that much of a dick? I get being stern and serious. You’re career has been filled with gravitas, from The Newsroom to Dumb and Dumber. If the real Director of NASA gave as few shits as you about a real astronaut, much less an astronaut as attractive as Matt Damon, his ass would be fired before you could say, “liftoff”.

But you’re not the only dumby in this movie. Jessica Chastain led a team of the world’s dumbest geniuses, back into deep space after they were already on their way home to save an almost definitely dead astronaut. Not only were they like, “yeah, it’s fine we’ll probably run out of food and will almost definitely die,” but they were then like, “and fuck my family too. They can wait. Friendship is more important.” AND IT WAS UNANIMOUS. I would rather have friends smart enough to know when to call it a day than nice enough to pull the spaceship over and turn around.

All in all, I say 3 of 5 stars. It was fun, it got my three hearts pumping, and truth be told, it was in 3D and I was high.

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