Sextion: Bachelor(ette) pad must-haves

Hookup: “No way, you love Nickelback too??”

Before you know it, you and Hookup are on top of each other. Your hand on the back of their neck. Their hand running through your luscious head of hair. Both of you thinking you’re the master of seduction (keep telling yourself that). You whisper, “Let’s go back to my place,” because that’s what TV and movies have told you to do, and the two of you begin your stumbling, wobbly journey across campus to the overflowing landfill that is your dorm room.

Things are going smoothly until you remember that you didn’t expect making it this far.

Shit.

Don’t be unprepared, be ready. Here’s our must-have supplies list for hooking up in your bachelor(ette) pad:

The basics:

  • Spare toothbrush: Hookup’s had a wild day. From Andrews Commons’ breakfast burrito to mystery hooch, their breath probably isn’t doing so hot. Be their knight in shining armor and hand them one of your toothbrushes lying around (not the one you use to scrub toilets with). While you’re at it, hit them up with some floss, and you’re practically their dentist.
  • Baby wipes: Time is money, they say. Well in this case, time is what both of you don’t have to take a shower and clean yourselves before passing out. Grab a couple of wipes, rub off that stank of the day from your armpits and groin, and you’ll both be as fresh as Will Smith from that one show in west Philadelphia.

  • Water within arms reach: Nothing dehydrates someone more than lust thrusting. My doctor told me that the average person burns 85 calories from sex. He has impressive facial hair and wears horn-rimmed glasses, so you better believe him. Athletes drink water while competing. You should, too.
  • Chapstick: Go make out with that cactus right over there. Duh, the spiky one. Oh, you don’t want to? Then do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Smear on that lip balm, and go get ‘em, tiger.
  • Protection: This is, of course, the most essential of the basics. How many STDs does it take to make it feel like hellscape every time you pee? You don’t know? Then get some damn protection. Sidenote: a Snickers wrapper doesn’t count.

The cherries on top:

  • Bedroom jams: Where words fail, music speaks. You could have mastered all of the nastiest lines you learned from watching those, uh, recreational videos on the interwebs, but having The Weeknd serenade you two makes your job that much easier. I personally recommend Spotify’s Bump ‘n Grind and Sexual Healing playlists.
  • Dim lamps: How would getting it on in the Apple Store feel? Yeah, pretty friggin’ weird. Throw some shades on those lamps and get the mood just right.
  • Elbow room: We don’t live in a five-star resort here (thanks ResLife), so make sure you have plenty of space to move about. Try not to hurt yourself or Hookup while doing so. Consult your roommate, if you have one, before pushing the beds together.

Well, that’s it. After following this list, you sure can expect that you and Hookup will be seeing each other a lot more. Have fun, be safe, and listen to Nickelback, of course.

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