How to cross campus without freezing to death

imgres

Oh God. It’s here. Or it might be here. It seems like just yesterday it was 90 degrees outside and we were all wearing booty shorts as we strutted the Main Green. But that time of the year is gone, and what’s to come is downright terrifying. Yet, we’re not really sure what’s going on because Providence weather is quite confusing and we’re living each day on our toes. Special shout-out to weather.com for always being there.

What we do know is that winter in Providence starts pretty early. It’s going to get colder—a lot colder—as we move into November and December, and Brown students have always struggled to find ways to stay alive in the midst of this arctic chill. We drink coffee and wrap ourselves in fabric, but, more often than not, we each lose at least one limb to frostbite. It’s tragic but true.

The hardest part of the impending winter season is handling those brief moments we spend outside when getting from class to class. It feels like the wind is pistol-whipping us each time we open the door, and stomping through snow reminds us of Elsa from Frozen beating us to death with our own arms.

But never fear! Blog is here with some great tips to make it through this garbage-y season. If even the thought of leaving your residence hall makes you want to curl into fetal position, give some of these a try. They might just save your life.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

1. Wear layers

It’s getting cold. We know. Your knee-jerk reaction is to throw on that gigantic bubble jacket or your warmest layers and romp out across campus with the silhouette of a cloud. But that’s not the best choice. It’s actually more insulating to coat your entire body with 7-layer bean dip. Slather it on and get out there! This also works with freshly-chewed Trident Layers gum.

2. Wear scarves

Everyone tries to cover their torsos and heads to keep warm, but you actually lose a lot of heat through your neck. A super easy way to keep it warm is to just wear a scarf and nothing else. Scarfless? Fear not! Use a window curtain from your dorm room.

3. Dig a hole

If you’re halfway to your next class and it is just too cold to bear, hop on your knees, and start scraping at that frozen mud. Dig as quickly and efficiently as you can, and recruit the people around you if you need help (they were probably about to dig their own hole, too). Once it’s at least 5 feet deep and has a radius of maybe 34 inches, curl up and hibernate using those fat reserves you’ve been complaining about. It’s a great weight loss technique, too!

4. Steal jackets from people at the Ratty

Just grab a handful from the backs of chairs and get outta there before anyone notices! And remember, it’s not theft if the coat is ugly. Go for leopard-print, camo, or combination plaids. [Ed. – This is not real. I repeat this is not real. Please never do this.]

images

5. Get to know your professors

It may seem awkward at first, but being on a first name basis with your professors makes it much less weird when you run up and spontaneously try to snuggle with them after spotting them from across the Main Green.

6. Move around like a huddle of penguins

Warmth in numbers. All the freshmen do it already.

Penguin gif

7. Live in JWW

The simplest solution to getting from your dorm room to the buildings with your classes without freezing to death is to just have them be the same building. Pick a nice cozy stairwell or maybe that corner of the mail room where nobody really looks and set up shop. Drag your bed in and never go outside again. The key is acting like you belong there; a confident demeanor is all it takes to make people think that you were there all along. If anyone does ask, act really confused and just keep asking them “Are you talking to me?” or claim that you work for mail services and are really devoted to your job. An important note about this trick is that it only works if all your classes are in JWW. If you have classes anywhere else, you’ll just have to miss them. And, no, you can’t pick some other building to live in. That would be ridiculous.

 

8. Keep a flask of fun liquid on you at all times

Liquids, which you may or may not find in flasks, can constrict blood vessels and keeps heat in the center of the body. This increases chances of frostbite, but you will feel a hell of a lot warmer. When making the trek from Wayland or Barbour to Biomed, or Lord help us, Smitty-B, take a swig every 1-2 minutes. By the time you stumble into your lecture 15 minutes late, you’ll be so toasty you won’t be able to speak without slurring and you’ll probably vomit everywhere. The ultimate solution if we’ve ever seen one.

imgres-1

Images via, via, via, via, and via.

Be Sociable, Share!

Leave a Reply