Have you ever tried to have shower sex, but then had the whole situation turn into an absolute disaster? Were you freezing cold because your partner was hogging all of the warm water? Did your mom come home while the two of you were in the shower? Did you fall down and have to get 7 stitches on your left knee? Wait. No. Why would you remember that? That was me.
Anyway, despite this disastrous encounter with shower sex, I still maintain that it is fun. And yet, living on campus, it seems almost unattainable due to a potential lack of privacy, cleanliness, the proper partner, etc. But don’t worry, it is certainly possible to get away with this sneaky, playful, and adventurous sex act on campus. Here’s how:
Step one: Find someone who wants to have sex with you.
Bonus points if they are someone you feel extremely comfortable around. Showering together is intimate, raw, and definitely a little awkward/fumbly/silly the first time you do it with someone, so it’s best to choose a partner who can laugh with you.
Step two: Pick an appropriate shower.
Appropriate showers include:
The single-use, gender-neutral bathrooms that many dorms have. They have showers, and, more importantly, doors that lock (!!!).
These showers are as good as it gets for college shower sex in terms of privacy and comfort. Also, you could definitely get pretty sexually imaginative with the benches in them.
Iffy but doable showers include:
Any hallway-style bathroom with multiple shower stalls, such as those in Andrews, Keeney, Miller, Metcalf, Slater, Hope, most of the dorms on Wriston, etc.
Sure, you run the risk of someone walking into the bathroom, but if you’re reasonably quiet (or at least quiet when they come in), odds are they won’t even notice you. If they do detect you two, don’t stress. They’ll probably just go like this:
A good aspect of the hallway style bathrooms is that they have more than one stall, so it won’t piss people off too much if you take your sweet time in there.
Slightly less optimal than the hallway showers are any semi-private bathrooms, such as those in EmWool, MoChamp, Grad Center, off-campus housing, etc.
Though these bathrooms have the huge plus of doors that lock, if you’re in there with someone for 45 minutes steaming up the freakin’ place, the 3 to 5 other people you share your bathroom with are entirely within their rights to get vexed as hell, like so:
The showers at Nelson.
This is either a great idea or a horrible one. It all hinges upon your timing. Don’t get me wrong—the bathrooms and showers in Nelson are soooo clean and and wonderful and I love them, too. There are more than a few handicapped stalls with benches and tons and tons of regular stalls. But, and this is a big but, it’s either dead silent (like really quiet—as quiet as someone who just got way too high) or way too busy in there to get away with shower sex.
The showers are also fairly deep within the confines of the strictly gendered locker rooms, so if you’re hooking up with someone of the opposite sex, it’ll be nearly impossible to sneak them in. However, because these bathrooms are so nice, it’s worth the risk if you try going at odd hours, like 11:30 PM!
Inappropriate showers include:
This is not a shower.
The alluring, mythic, and yet very real, CIT shower.
It’s probably not a good idea unless you’re sure the coast is clear. And you and your partner have to be simply beyond determined to do this right here, right now.
The emergency deluge lab showers.
C’mon now. There’s so much water coming out of those things that it probably hurts.
In remembrance of those lost:
The JWW back bathroom that is no longer with us because of the mail room renovation. We freshmen never had the chance to behold it in all its glory. It had a lock. And weirdly enough, a shower. As one former blogger reminisced, “You could pick up a package and then pick up a package,” if you catch his drift. You will be dearly missed, JWW back bathroom shower.
Step Three: Honestly, just don’t have shower intercourse.
Have shower foreplay instead! Anyone who has
had attempted shower sex knows how hard it can be. Water tends to dry out bodies’ natural lubricants, it’s nearly impossible for you to both stay under the water (and thus, warm), and the risk of slipping and falling is serious. To make matters worse, penetrative intercourse in a dorm shower would most likely somehow involve putting knees on the slimy floor tiles, forearms or one’s entire back up against the hair-covered and gross walls, or clutching onto the slippery shower curtain in a (500) Days of Summer type of fiasco. You just have to look at the scar on my knee for a GREAT reason to heed my warnings.
Step Four: Go back to either of your rooms and then continue:
Showering together makes for some of the best foreplay around. And we all know that good foreplay makes for better sex (you can thank me later).
So go get dirty while getting clean together, Brunonia,