Well, Halloween’s over. As we all throw away our skeleton costumes and struggle to work the residual alcohol out of our systems, we have to remember something very important: Holiday season has just started. We have less than two months before winter break starts, and we really can’t afford to let ourselves fall behind on preparations. Why do you think they’ve already started playing Holiday music on the radio and at the mall? If we don’t get started right now, we honestly won’t be ready in time for Christmas/Hanukkah/any other wintertime tradition. That’s why BlogDH has compiled a list of Holiday preparation necessities that you need to get done in the next week. Check these out, or else your winter break will fall apart. Seriously. This is obviously so urgent.
- Plant the seed that will become your Christmas tree. Christmas presents need a place to call home, so you better find some moist, loamy soil to plant that pine seed in or else those presents are going to be homeless.
- Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. If we’re making gingerbread cookies, the oven’s going to need about six business weeks to get to the right temperature. Good thing we’re starting so early. In November.
- Prepare awkward conversations to have with your relatives. Everyone always complains that their discussions with their distant relatives over winter break are too fun and familiar. To avoid this, start preparing weird, scripted answers to their basic questions about your life that always end the conversation immediately and leave a long, unbearably drawn-out silence afterwards. You’ll need about a month and a half to practice, so make sure to have your rough drafts done soon.
- Light the candles on your 80-candle Mega-Hanukkah Jumbo-Menorah. Part of ceremony of Hanukkah is the lighting of one candle each night during the Holiday. However, the new Jumbo-Menorah has about 70 more candles than the usual one, so you were supposed to have started lighting them back in September. If you’re already behind, you better get started right now.
- Go buy all of the presents for your capitalist scumbag family. Everything will be sold out within two weeks, of course, so make sure to use this week to buy any presents you might want to give to the materialistic garbage you call your family. Black Friday is a myth. You’re running out of time.
- Start singing “The 500 Days of Christmas.” You’ll need a while to finish this one. 500 loose onions, 499 angry beetles, 498 Republican presidential candidates…
- Lock your grandma in a closet until she’s done knitting ugly sweaters for everyone. Come on, Granny, we need those by, like, yesterday.
- Take a sleigh ride through the dirt. There’s no snow yet, but getting dragged through the mud or down the highway by hoofed mammals is apparently in season. Go do it.
- Listen to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” on a loop for a month and a half. You need to get into the spirit now, apparently. Turn it on and rip the knob off. This is your life now.