Sextion: When sexpectations and reality don’t match up

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After hours days weeks months a whole semester of sexual tension, you hooked up with that person you’ve been eyeing the most. You dreamed about it so often that you were sure it was going to be fantastic. But it wasn’t. What can you do now?

Disclaimer: I’m writing this post with the assumption that your bad hook-up was consensual. If it wasn’t, please contact CAPS, the WPCs, the 24/7 sexual assault response hotline at 401-863-6000, close friends, family, or any of the other resources you have in your life.

Option #1: Just don’t get with them ever again.

If it was so bad that you’re sure you don’t want to hook-up with them ever again (for whatever reason or for no articulable reason at all—you don’t have to justify your sexual decisions to anyone!), then you’re sure and I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise. You do what’s best for you, boo.

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Option #2: Consider the circumstances.

  • Did you not voice what you really want? Lots of people are too shy in the bedroom to speak their minds but honestly how good can anyone expect sex to be if their partner doesn’t know what they want or like? Spell it out! Hit them with an “Actually, my favorite position is ______” or a “Touch ____” and there is almost no conceivable way the sex between you two won’t get better.

  • Were they visibly super f*ckin nervous? Like really nervous? This is normal for the first few times you hook up someone. You’ve both been building up your sexpectations and theirs just made them really nervous. If you like them, give them a few more chances. If it was just nerves and not a lack of chemistry that made your hook-up bad, then it should get better and better with each successive time and then you’ll end up with a great hook-up buddy. SCORE.
  • Were you both a little too drunk? You were really excited about the prospect of this hook-up so I would definitely give this another shot (no pun intended). Alcohol makes you soooooo dehydrated, which can affect guys’ abilities to get and maintain erections and (lesser known fact) girls’ abilities to naturally lubricate. Doesn’t that sound terrible!? If you give them another chance, what’s the worst that could happen other than bad sober sex? (Yes, in the second chance hook-up, you should both be sober.)
  • Were you both really high? High hooking up is definitely the fucking best an acquired taste. A lot of people get pretty introverted and awkward when they’re high. That’s not exactly the sexiest mental place to be in, so again, I would recommend trying again soberly.tumblr_mfgqwngxDg1rpz4y0o1_250-1

I like sober sex, too, Millie.

  • Did you hook-up purely out of boredom/convenience? That sounds like a euphemism for “you’re just not that into each other.” Pass.raw-1
  • Was it just over too quickly? Ahhhh. Classic. Although it’s annoying when one of you (I’m looking at you, people with penises) comes before the other, you can often chalk this one up to nervous “I’m so excited this is happening wow this is so exciting shit I just totally came” jitters. If you know and care about them, give them many more chances. If not, maybe just one more chance? Up to you.
  • Does your sexual chemistry just seem off somehow? This might be an unfixable problem. Some people, even if they get along and have fun flirting together, just don’t mesh well physically. Like Berger and Carrie in Sex and the City.
  • Did you go further than, in retrospect, you wish you had? First things first, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t want to see any internalized slut-shaming over there. You’re allowed to do whatever you want whenever you want with your own body. But, if you’re upset about this (for non-internalized-sexist reasons) and still like this person then they will understand that you need to slow down. If they’re not understanding or expect you to go that far again just because you did the first time, FUCK THAT. Nobody is entitled to your body but you.

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With love and better sex,

Demi

P.S. I missed you guys! A special thanks to Cer Vix-a-lot for writing the last Sextion post—you killed it!

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