I’m just a boy from a town down south, so one thing that I still have not gotten used to about life at Brown is the jaywalking situation. I’m bad at it. I really am. And it stresses me out.
Normally, I always wait until the light turns red and that little glowy guy signals my safety when crossing the street. But, if I’m in a hurry (or am walking with one of you fearless bastards from NYC), I sometimes have to cross the street when there’s the potential for oncoming traffic.
But here’s the thing: sometimes, halfway through crossing, I get cold feet and maybe feel like I should turn around. That’s stupid of me, I know, but I do it. As a result, I almost get hit by cars a lot. And I’ve started to notice some patterns in the types of people who almost run me over. So here they are, in no particular order. [Ed. – please note that there is no verification that any of this is real. We’re not really sure ourselves.]
The Grandma in a prius
She’s an expert knitter, alright, but she’s also in a hurry. Maybe her book club starts in an hour. Her car is also almost silent, too, so it sneaks up on you. But it has great mileage.
The Otis Spunkemeyer truck
This cookie empire sends it’s trucks to Providence every once in a while and that’s when things get dangerous. To clarify, I wasn’t almost hit head-on by one of these things. Actually, they keep almost backing over me while I frantically try to pick the lock on the back. One of these days, I’ll get those cookies. If the cookies don’t get me first.
The ‘new money’ lawyer in a fancy car who’s life is too fast-paced
She doesn’t have time to stop for pedestrians! She needs to get to the office and finish that important lawyer-bank thing. Millions of dollars are at stake!!
That guy who waves at you to cross and then accelerates into you
His hand gesture says “Go ahead. You’re in a hurry. I understand. You’re safe with me.” But the fact that he almost sent you rolling over his windshield says “The only thing I care about is deceiving the American public. I’d wear a powder blue tuxedo to your funeral and hit on your relatives.”
The arguing family
Well, you can’t really blame Mom and Dad for not being careful when Timmy keeps pulling Joey’s hair. And Joey won’t keep his hands on his side. And Julia has to go to the bathroom but she won’t go at a gas station because one time she went at a gas station and there was pee on the floor. And now Timmy’s grabbed Joey’s DS and won’t give it back and SO HELP ME GOD I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROU- oh wait did we just almost hit an attractive, fashionable Brown student?
A plane, maybe
This one hasn’t happened to me yet, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time.