The BlogBabies were itching to get in on the Drunk/Sober/High action, and what’s more freshman than a Frosh Ball? Given that freshmen only roam in packs, we found it appropriate to expand the usual three person group by adding two new members, Crossfaded and another Drunk! We present the first ever Drunk/Drunk/Sober/High/Crossfaded.
Since no one ever shows up on time, we all agreed to meet at 10:00 p.m. to do our respective imbibing and/or smoking (or neither, poor Sober).
10:03 p.m. Cross has already taken 3 shots by the time the rest of the BlogBabies arrive. She has been feeling nauseous and hungover all day, so she did not eat dinner. Not her best decision.
10:05 p.m. High shows up already pretty high because he “comes prepared.” For additional preparation, as he tells us later, he watched “a shit load of Ru Paul’s Drag Race before [he] came.”
In a rare turn of events for D/S/H, Sober is the last to arrive… prepared with her journalistic integrity and iPhone for notes.
Very quickly, Cross and High decide they need to be high/higher, respectively, and so commences the search for an appropriate place to smoke. In response to the suggestion of the trash room, High notes that “It is where I belong.”
10:14 p.m. We’ve found a room willing to host us.
10:16 p.m. Cross is fairly drunk now that she’s about 6 shots in. She’s pleased with herself for being functional enough to prep her bong.
C: Aren’t you always amazed when you see drunk people roll just the nicest jays ever? Muscle memory, man!
H: It looks like an Erlenmeyer flask. Would you like to meet my bowl, Venus? Looks like the atmosphere of Venus.
Drunk 1: Wait, how do you know that?
H: I don’t know, I haven’t been there.
10:32 p.m. Sober realizes that everyone is saying “Bojangles” for some unbeknownst reason and is once again realizing she is way too sober to deal with everyone.
Cross is staring at them while they go over the pronunciation of this weird word. She says nothing because she has NO idea what bojangles is. Is it the name of a famous clown like Bozo? A chain food place? A TV character?
High continues to mispronounce bojangles in a variety of accents and different intonations. “boJANGles, bo-jang-GULLS, bo-han-glaze.”
D1: BEAU- jangles is the correct way to pronounce it, not bo-JANG-gles. This conversation feels reminiscent of Hermione and Ron’s Leviosa argument, which makes it all the more entertaining.*
*This is entertaining for everyone except for Sober, who is struggling to figure out how to write out the pronunciations in her notes.
In a cruel turn of events, D1 decides to instigate the Appalachian argument because she has extremely strong feelings. And wants to start a fight. “Apple-Latch-An” is apparently the right way to say it.
Sober doesn’t even bother taking notes during the “chalice” debate.
D2 spills again by checking his watch (the hand holding his shot glass).
D1: D2 needs to get his shit together.
Sober tells High that he looks like John Nash from “A Beautiful Mind.” He promptly decides to yell at her, “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME I HAVE TENURE!”
C: My mom called me a savage in a good way the other day.
Everyone contemplates how C has the coolest mom around.
D1: I feel like I’m not there yet. I’m not there yet. I need to drink more. Should I drink more? I should drink more.
We attempt to migrate to the Frosh Ball, deciding that enough time has passed for it to be cool for us to show up.
10:56 p.m. While S was in the bathroom, H has found a whole bag of gummy life savers. S watches in amazement as H attempts to eat all of them before Frosh Ball.
In a fashion similar to herding cats, we leave at 11:03 even though FroshBall started at 10.
H: I’m just here for the food.
We arrive at the Frosh Ball. There is no food.
H: Everyone looks like ants who lost their home. Where are the other ants? They must have taken the food. Oh, food! D1, can we go get some?
Note: There is still no food.
11:06 p.m. Dancing. Picture your first middle school dance, but more awkward.
11:09 p.m. Still dancing. All members under the influence are convinced we’ve been there for at least 30 minutes, and are supremely disappointed when we find out it’s only been 3 minutes.
D1: IM SO HAPPY I’M HERE THERE’S A FUCKING CONGO LINE
Sober: A breakdown of the dance moves:
- High is popping and locking like a champ
- D2 is doing a weird point dive thing
- D1 is really enjoying this
- C looks like she’s sort of vibing
C: In actuality I’m musing on my drunk-high ratio. It’s off right now. My optimal is 60% drunk to 40% high but right now I’m 25% drunk and 75% high.
High: If they meant for this to be fish-themed they failed miserably.
Note: The frosh ball was in no way intended to be fish-themed.
D1: The sparse crowd began to concentrate in our area, meaning we are clearly the hottest group there.
H: Check out that person dancing. That’s the worst dance I’ve ever seen. They’re not even moving their body. Their dance is just them sitting behind a table with water cups for everyone. That’s embarrassing.
11:15 p.m. Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” begins and changes everything.
D1: I hate this, but I love this.
The BlogBabies want to leave, but it’s only been 15 minutes.
D1: We cannot leave until after Sorry! Like I hate everything about Justin Bieber but this song is bomb.
Sober: Drunk 1 is arguing with me about how great Sorry is, but I’m not dissenting…
11:17 After a fantastic 15 minutes, we leave Frosh Ball. Acknowledging that the night is young and too late to find a new freshmen pack, BlogBonding is in full swing, D1/D2/S/H/C decide to go continue the adventure and go to a party. Everyone leaves to go change except D1 and High, who are left to fend for themselves in the cold.
D1: I decide that if we’re going out I need to maintain my inebriation, so I text Sober to bring me a shot.
Sober emerges from Andrews carrying a full shot glass, just for D1.
D1: This might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
11:32 p.m. Drunk 2 shows up in a provocative cop costume.
D1: Sober took two shots; she fucking failed. It is mandatory that Sober writes that.
(Even though Frosh Ball was over.)
H: I think we did this article wrong. We have to describe Frosh Ball.
D1: I CAN DO THAT. Picture a middle school dance and seeing someone cute, but you make no move because you’re in middle school and you have no fucking clue WHAT TO DO.
H: The fish theme, it’s important! Fish theme, they did a terrible theme.
Note: Again, Frosh Ball was in no way fish-themed.
D1: I get what you mean the lights were blue like underwater.
(We are still in argument over this. Sober swears they were red and green.)
Cross is silent. She’s “too high for this shit.”
H: The room was too tall for my taste. I felt like we should have been basketball players in that room. They should have done it somewhere with a lower ceiling.
The night ends on a sweet note celebrating the bonding that has happened with High remarking, “Blog is squad backwards” and Drunk 1’s slurred (but accurate) response, “That is not true.”