Of Condoms and Cavemen

Until very recently, I was under the impression that it was a right of passage for guys to carry condoms around in their wallets. Then a guy friend asked me to hold his wallet for him and I found out, perhaps unethically, that his wallet was barren of that infamous Bear Necessity.

This realization sparked a debate within my mixed-gender friend group. We were divided in a surprisingly organized way. The girls all had condoms on their person; the boys all did not.

This week’s life article, therefore, is an open letter to sex-happy boys who don’t carry condoms.

You’ll get no sex from me.

Let’s be real, if you can’t risk stretching out your wallet with a condom, I’m not going to risk stretching out my vagina with your penis.

We will tell our friends.

I will actively prevent my friends from hooking up with someone who I think is contraceptively incompetent, and nothing conveys that more than an unwillingness to carry birth control.

Convicted felon > can’t use a condom. Fact.

It does not make you look sleazy.

To the contrary, it makes you seem like a knowledgeable young gentleman who is considerate of the risks involved with having sex with you. That’s sexy.

;)

Knowledge is sexy. That’s why so many people have sex in libraries, I’m sure.

What if your friend needs one?

I was always under the impression that banging a condom off a friend was the highest level of bromance television could legally broadcast. But since I was wrong about the coming-of-age thing, we can just go with THIS CAN PREVENT YOUR FRIEND/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER FROM GETTING PREGNANT OR CONTRACTING A VENEREAL DISEASE. Do you want that, beesch?

In all seriousness: you are not responsible for your friends’ actions, but you may be affected by them.

What if you need one?

Don’t count yourself out, champ. You never know when you’re going to be wishing you had one. And trust me, you’re not going to want to have to choose between unsafe sex and no sex at all. That’s how poor decisions are made.

I made a pun!

This will be you.

The simple way to protect against poor decisions is simply carrying a condom.

But seriously guys, Chandler Bing has been keeping a condom in his wallet since he was 12, and he didn’t even touch a girl’s breast until he was 19.

Really though please carry condoms if you ever even think about having any penile-penetrationy sex

Don’t you just want to be exactly like him?

But remember, condoms are only 98 percent effective when used correctly, so plan accordingly. Using two makes it less effective, and the expiration date is there for a reason. In all you do, have fun, be safe, be merry.

Have good sex (or nah)!

— April Jailbait.

2 Comments

  1. Daniel

    I’ve been actively discouraged from carrying condoms in my wallet because A) they might rip and lube would damage the leather, and B) because they might rip and damage the condom.

    The problem, as I understand it, is that since guys often keep their wallets in their pockets (especially back pockets) they cause a lot of friction inside the wallet. Imaging sitting on a condom for hours a day. Do you trust that condom?

    My take away from Sex Week was always explicitly to keep condoms in places that weren’t wallets/pockets.

    Which is why I proudly rock a fanny pack with a pocket exactly for that purpose.

  2. Sue

    What does this mean?
    “Let’s be real, if you can’t risk stretching out your wallet with a condom, I’m not going to risk stretching out my vagina with your penis.”
    Hopefully you don’t mean to imply that a penis actually stretches a vagina out, because that is really false, and a harmful myth.

    Also the reason women have an easier time carrying condoms is because there isn’t much risk to the condom by carrying it in a purse. However in a wallet in the back pocket is going to really reduce the effectiveness of the condom due to heat and friction.

    SexEd can be really fun and important with a positive, educated approach, but it can also be misinformed and perpetuate harmful myths if not done carefully.

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