Yikes: An ode to sexual mishaps

The thing about sex is that things tend to get slippery … and not in the way you’re thinking. Okay, yes, in the way you’re thinking, but also in the way I’m thinking. The point is that sex doesn’t always run smoothly; there are bound to be mishaps, and they are bound to be hilarious.

(And potentially mortifying.)

  1. Bodies and pleasures

We’re all human, and we all have bodies … and bodies do weird things.

Approximate amount of coordination between my brain and body.

What immediately comes to mind: that weird squelching noise skin on skin contact makes when you press your chests together — why does that happen? Am I a suction cup? I don’t see how a suction cup could be sexy. And I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the way the liquid in your stomach sloshes around like you’re a pail of water when you hit a certain combination of hydration and copulation.

I’m just trying to be hot, stomach!

Another thing about bodies is that they can be sorta gross, which opens up a whole other array of opportunities:

  • Getting sneezed on (in the face)
  • Nosebleeds
  • Farting

(If I ever fart during sex, I will die. I don’t even think that’s a joke, I just really think my heart couldn’t possibly handle the complete and utter mortification.)

  1. Musical mishaps

Netflix and Chill has segued into Touching and Thrill and you decide to play some tunes to set the mood (sick, nice move). You don’t give it much thought before you pick the playlist, or maybe you’re on Spotify and go with a radio station. Things are going really well.

You’re killing it.

… and then Wonder Wall starts playing when you’re in the middle of hooking up for the first time, and they whisper-slur, “that’s a sad song, but we’re not breaking up?” (true story), or a commercial advertising affordable furniture for college students makes an unexpected intrusion (also true).  

This is why I started paying for Spotify.

If this hasn’t happened to you, it’s going to happen. And I am very, very sorry.

  1. Technical difficulties

Heads-up: banana-flavored condoms (probably available on your RPL/CA’s door, or through Ship n Shag — and for free!) look hysterical once applied. But few things can be as good as this tropically-scented Eighth Wonder of the World.

It never gets old.

I’m sure no one can honestly say they’ve never borne the pain of sputtering and awkwardly smacking at their tongue in search of that stray hair (yours or theirs) that they just can’t get out of their mouth.

Same.

Or accidentally elbowed, slapped or generally collided unsexily with their partner’s junk … and spent the next minute and a half tripping over apologies.

Seriously, so sorry.

Speaking of erectile dysfunction: whiskey dick. I know it’s not my fault, but sorta hard not to feel that way, regardless … and I really don’t want to spend he next 10 minutes trying to do repairs when it’s a lost cause, sorry.

  1. Getting walked in on

Please tell me no one saw my boobs.

Pretty much all there is to say here.

  1. The awkwardness is slain

Of course, all of these are painful the first few times, but awkward things get easier. The more they are experienced, the more likely it is to become comfortable with not-so-sexy sexcapades.

Yes, you are.

Trust me: my embarrassment dissipates when I remember all you awkward dorks out there. We all have our “yikes” moments. So live it up!

Just like Britney in her “Toxic” video.

Have fun safely, nerds.

Leslie Grope

Leave a Reply