Providence Weather Forecast: 4 szns, 1 week, nothing matters anymore

Monday:

Get ready to start the week off right with a 67% chance of disappointment when you don’t receive that sweet, sweet cancellation email from Russell Carey. Prepare for a misleadingly sunny day that turns into a life-threateningly cold evening. Based on data from the National Weather Institute, we’re expecting a particularly severe wave of  “shit, why didn’t I put on a coat this morning.”

 

Tuesday:

Folks, you’ll be happy to hear that you’re waking up to a winter wonderland this morning! Beautiful, sparkling snow is set to cover every inch of campus, even making the Scili look bearable (from the outside, at least). Get ready to fall back in love with Brown, even in this trying pre-finals season. We predict you’ll be able to enjoy a wondrous blanket of white for a luxurious three and a half minutes! Afterwards, experts are predicting a cruelly instantaneous transformation to grey slush (just like the rest of your dreams).

 

Wednesday:

It’s here! The one beautiful Providence day of the entire year. Sunshine, friends, and well-deserved dopamine are sure to abound. The kind of day that makes even the strictest of professors say “hey, why don’t we move this discussion outside?” When you do decide to collect some sweet vitamin D (;)), make sure to pack a picnic blanket, an ole pigskin to toss around, and a conscious acknowledgement that you are currently ignoring a crushing number of responsibilities.

 

Thursday:

Watch out this Thursday for a special treat — Providence’s famous Second Winter. This fantastic meteorological phenomenon has been proven to affect College Hill more than any other location in the nation. Dozens of studies over the decades have shown that Second Winter, commonly referred to as Freezing Your Ass Off in April for No Goddamn Reason, is exceptionally effective at convincing students to transfer schools.

 

Friday:

Get ready for an entirely pleasant day and early afternoon, with temperatures dropping suddenly in the nighttime. Effective methods of beating the cold include staying inside, wearing a heavy coat, or wearing your mini dress and going out anyway because dammit, you deserve this. It’s been a long week and you don’t party that much, but Fridays are for the girls and the weather should know that.

 

Saturday:

Looks like this is going to be a pretty average day. You’re too hungover to get outside anyways. Damn you, mini dress.

 

Sunday:

We’ll be finishing the week on a high note — a beautifully crisp April day. We predict an 82% chance of you not enjoying even one moment of it because you’re stuck inside cramming all the work you’ve been putting off for the past two days. Be sure to expect a downpour of “who can concentrate on such a gorgeous day,” with a slight cloud cover of “you, you have to concentrate on such a gorgeous day.”  

 

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