If I were an employer, I’d hire the shit out of myself (tragically, actual employers do not always agree with me). But there’s a major issue: my resume lacks some of the most impressive things about me, things that may arguably be more impressive than my high school induction to the National Honor Society. Here are a few additions that I think would really spice up my resume and show my future employers who I really am…
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Is fluent in Drake lyrics (and conversational in Rihanna, Kanye, and many, many others)
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Can make a killer cup of coffee (as long as it’s from a Keurig or something, I can’t really work a coffee maker)
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Works well with others (as long as the “others” are furry and four-legged)
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Good at handling money that isn’t her own
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Quite smol so can fit into small crevices.
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Wrists and hands are also smol so can easily fish things out between couch cushions or car seats (i.e. dropped phones, keys, wallets).
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Can drink up to seven cups of coffee a day and still be asleep by 11 pm
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Can also pound La Croix at an alarming rate
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Can properly use a liquid eyeliner pen
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Can scare boys away without even trying
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Makes the best playlists (i.e. However You Say Procrastination in French, Cool Songs For A Cool Dad, stuDYING)
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Constantly finds the dankest of memes and sends them to friends
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Knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians/Jenners
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Can French braid her own hair behind her back
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(Somehow) passed her driver’s test on the first try and have gotten into fewer than five accidents in the five years since!!
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One time got the mean waiter at Louie’s to smile at her
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Answers texts pretty quickly (except for when I open one and forget to respond altogether)
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