Special Skillz I Wish I Could Add to My Resume

If I were an employer, I’d hire the shit out of myself (tragically, actual employers do not always agree with me). But there’s a major issue: my resume lacks some of the most impressive things about me, things that may arguably be more impressive than my high school induction to the National Honor Society. Here are a few additions that I think would really spice up my resume and show my future employers who I really am…

  1. Is fluent in Drake lyrics (and conversational in Rihanna, Kanye, and many, many others)

  2. Can make a killer cup of coffee (as long as it’s from a Keurig or something, I can’t really work a coffee maker)

  3. Works well with others (as long as the “others” are furry and four-legged)

  4. Good at handling money that isn’t her own

  5. Quite smol so can fit into small crevices.

  6. Wrists and hands are also smol so can easily fish things out between couch cushions or car seats (i.e. dropped phones, keys, wallets).

  7. Can drink up to seven cups of coffee a day and still be asleep by 11 pm

  8. Can also pound La Croix at an alarming rate

  9. Can properly use a liquid eyeliner pen

  10. Can scare boys away without even trying

  11. Makes the best playlists (i.e. However You Say Procrastination in French, Cool Songs For A Cool Dad, stuDYING)

  12. Constantly finds the dankest of memes and sends them to friends

  13. Knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians/Jenners

  14. Can French braid her own hair behind her back

  15. (Somehow) passed her driver’s test on the first try and have gotten into fewer than five accidents in the five years since!!

  16. One time got the mean waiter at Louie’s to smile at her

  17. Answers texts pretty quickly (except for when I open one and forget to respond altogether)

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