To All The Boys I’ve Swerved Before

So you’ve probably been hit on a couple of times. And some of those times, you were probably hit on by someone you had absolutely zero interest in. And if this has never happened to you, this means one of two things: either you’re really lucky, or you’re about due for an unpleasant brush soon. In case of the second scenario, fear not, for I present to you:

A Reader’s Guide to Escaping Unwanted Attention

  1.    Memorize your worst enemy’s number to hand out in case of emergency. Chances are, things will turn out in their favor (think Sierra Burgess is a Loser) and they’ll chance upon the love of their lives and become eternally indebted to you. If not, well… that’s their problem to deal with.

 

  1.    Tell them you can’t wait to have babies with them. They’ll probably run in the opposite direction. And if they don’t, then it’s socially acceptable for you to do so. This is an A1 tactic because everyone who matters will know you well enough to doubt the story should rumor take flight.

 

  1.    Give the person in question your number with one digit transposed up so if they try to call you and realize you gave them the wrong number, you can pretend they made a typo. Of course, if you give them your actual number, you can always block them as soon as you get home.

 

  1.    Read and don’t reply. This sends a clear message (sometimes). If you just ghost them, they may assume you’re a naturally busy person and decide to do something drastic — like call you.

 

  1.    If you’re friends with the person in question, act like you don’t notice them hitting on you. When possible, tease them with other people. Also drop casual hints about how uninterested you are in relationships. Never hesitate to drop words like bud, buddy, bro, friend or pal. Bonus points if you tell them they’re like a sibling to you!

6.    If you’ve dated them in the past, reiterate how much you hated being in that relationship. Subtly, of course. Things like “Wow, I can’t believe that ever happened… We’re so different now.” Of course, if they can’t take a hint, you could always go for: “Man, the only joy I got out of that relationship was getting out of that relationship. Never again… lol.”

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