What Your Hell-Week Says About Which Starbucks Drink You Should Get

Rosetta Stone: Here’s your Starbucks name


This is supposed to be “Paola.”

Ever notice how your cup at Starbucks has interesting phonetic variations of your name, but never quite the right one? Well I haven’t, because I don’t actually go to Starbucks. But Tumblr knows what you’re talking about. And so does Virginia. Ouch.

So why is this phenomenon so common at Starbucks? Well, maybe your barista actually has malicious intent, like this devil. Maybe you stuttered. Or, the most likely explanation: your name is just weird.

The solution to this serious problem appeared to me like a donut during finals period. If you provide your real name, you get a Starbucks-ified one on your cup. So if you tell your barista your Starbucks-ified name, they’ll mark down every Latin character of your name in beautiful black felt marker for all the world to behold! Flawless logic!

In any case, after tirelessly analyzing pictures of incorrectly-spelled names for many an hour, I have extracted the secret Starbucks name encoding algorithm and made it available to you — for free! You’ll never have to worry about some rando named “Berry” picking up the iced coffee for which you, Mary, waited so patiently. You need that overpriced caffeine to get you through finals, and you need it now, amirite? Check it out after the jump.

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It’s still fall, Starbucks

Just one day after Halloween, Starbucks traded in its push on pumpkin-flavored everything for an aggressive campaign chock-full of Christmas cheer. The Thayer Street Starbucks unveiled its red Christmas cups on November 1 and began to feature its winter-inspired beverages, such as the Eggnog Latte, the Peppermint Mocha, and the Gingerbread Latte on its chalkboard behind the bar.

The move by the coffee giant has elicited mixed reactions among Brown students. We went out into the field (read: did our homework at the long, communal table probably inspired by those at Le Pain Quotidien) and observed students as they reacted to the snowflake-slathered cups. Some were elated, exclaiming, “OMG, Christmas!” and even “Ugh, I’ve missed these,” while others were very confused. We understand the excitement surrounding this “push on Christmas,” as one of the baristas explained it, but last time we checked, it’s still fall.

Let’s give Starbucks some credit: last year it aggressively brought the red cups back on October 25, a little less than a week before Halloween. The colored leaves were still on the trees, and the apocalyptic, poorly-timed snowstorm had yet to blanket PVD. ‘Bucks gets points for holding off until after Halloween this year, but November 1 is still too soon—Thanksgiving is still weeks away! We’ve complained about this before—as we do about a lot of things—but our complaints are well-founded: it seems as if fall has been written off completely (we’re mostly upset because some of us haven’t even gone apple picking yet). In the meantime, if you’re in winter denial and think this move is ho-ho-horrible, you probably should just to stick to getting an iced coffee.

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Starbucks, check your calendar!

In a new low of holiday marketing, Starbucks has officially started the Christmas marketing BEFORE Halloween has even begun. Starbucks, get your Christmas fanfare-mongering paws out of my warm beverages! I will be boycotting Starbucks until November 1, when the Christmas carols will still be too soon, but less blasphemous.

Tribute Days @ Starbucks

Head into Starbucks on Thayer (or anywhere else) tomorrow or Saturday between the hours of 2 and 5 pm to receive a free “Petite” with the purchase of a drink in honor of their 40th anniversary .  These delicious treats range from Carrot Cake Cupcakes to Red Velvet Whoopie Pies to Cake Pops.

The Ultimate Finals Playlist

It’s that time of the year again (nope, not the holidays). You can just smell it in the air! The tensions, the nostalgia, the last minute crams. Here’s a new playlist to sum up what remains of the year, with a few minor tweaks to the lyrics you know and love (although considering my musical tastes: lyrics your dad knows and really wishes you’d love).


Post-Thanksgiving: You just got the small break you desperately needed, and oh look! you’ve returned with a sliver of hope. Little did you know how quickly the finals f**kfest begins.

The New Day (Greta Van Fleet):

♪Let the new day (ONLY UNTIL 4PM OF COURSE) shine its light on me
Shake the old way, nights too dark to see
Free tomorrow, it’s bright with something new
Believe the righteous, and it will come true ♪


Last Week of Class: “Wow, how the hell is the semester already over? I swear I was just about to go to the prof’s office hours for the first time yesterday, and form a meaningful connection for that recommendation letter I need”

“I wonder if she still remembers me from that one time we talked about climate feedbacks”

Time is fleeting friends.


Good Times Bad Times (Led Zeppelin):

♪In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man
Now I’ve reached the age
I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my way to do the same old jam
Good times, bad times
You know I had my share
When my soul left home
For a midterm so bad
Well, I still don’t seem to care ♪

Live the best S/NC life people!

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