Providence Weather Forecast: 4 szns, 1 week, nothing matters anymore

Monday:

Get ready to start the week off right with a 67% chance of disappointment when you don’t receive that sweet, sweet cancellation email from Russell Carey. Prepare for a misleadingly sunny day that turns into a life-threateningly cold evening. Based on data from the National Weather Institute, we’re expecting a particularly severe wave of  “shit, why didn’t I put on a coat this morning.”

 

Tuesday:

Folks, you’ll be happy to hear that you’re waking up to a winter wonderland this morning! Beautiful, sparkling snow is set to cover every inch of campus, even making the Scili look bearable (from the outside, at least). Get ready to fall back in love with Brown, even in this trying pre-finals season. We predict you’ll be able to enjoy a wondrous blanket of white for a luxurious three and a half minutes! Afterwards, experts are predicting a cruelly instantaneous transformation to grey slush (just like the rest of your dreams).

 

Wednesday:

It’s here! The one beautiful Providence day of the entire year. Sunshine, friends, and well-deserved dopamine are sure to abound. The kind of day that makes even the strictest of professors say “hey, why don’t we move this discussion outside?” When you do decide to collect some sweet vitamin D (;)), make sure to pack a picnic blanket, an ole pigskin to toss around, and a conscious acknowledgement that you are currently ignoring a crushing number of responsibilities.

 

Thursday:

Watch out this Thursday for a special treat — Providence’s famous Second Winter. This fantastic meteorological phenomenon has been proven to affect College Hill more than any other location in the nation. Dozens of studies over the decades have shown that Second Winter, commonly referred to as Freezing Your Ass Off in April for No Goddamn Reason, is exceptionally effective at convincing students to transfer schools.

 

Friday:

Get ready for an entirely pleasant day and early afternoon, with temperatures dropping suddenly in the nighttime. Effective methods of beating the cold include staying inside, wearing a heavy coat, or wearing your mini dress and going out anyway because dammit, you deserve this. It’s been a long week and you don’t party that much, but Fridays are for the girls and the weather should know that.

 

Saturday:

Looks like this is going to be a pretty average day. You’re too hungover to get outside anyways. Damn you, mini dress.

 

Sunday:

We’ll be finishing the week on a high note — a beautifully crisp April day. We predict an 82% chance of you not enjoying even one moment of it because you’re stuck inside cramming all the work you’ve been putting off for the past two days. Be sure to expect a downpour of “who can concentrate on such a gorgeous day,” with a slight cloud cover of “you, you have to concentrate on such a gorgeous day.”  

 

Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign and We’ll Tell You Where to Hydrate

Regular Ole Water Fountain/Bubbler (Aries)

Being an Aries can be tough — people always seem to be in the way. When you’re trying to get hydrated, the last thing you want to do is get in line behind someone who doesn’t know how to operate a filter. Lucky for you, nobody ever uses the water fountains on campus. You’ll be in and out of there in no time, and without causing a fight! Aries, we know you’re willing to fight for what you want — but you also know to pick your battles. This semester, don’t let H2O be one of them.

Coffee Exchange Water Fountain (Sagittarius)

Sagittarius, we know you love an adventure. That’s why we’ve chosen a water hole that’s a bit further away than the usual bounds of College Hill. Still close enough to be accessible, and yet enough of a walk to call it an outing. Not only is Coffee Exchange home to some of the most delicious water in the greater College Hill area, their variety of coffee selections from all around the world will make you feel truly well-traveled.

Barus and Holley Hydration Station (Capricorn)

You’re a person that knows what you want, and when you need hydration, you need it now. That’s why the Barus and Holley hydration station is perfect for you, Capricorn. Not only do you get to incorporate some much needed H2O into your busy schedule, you get to save the planet while you’re at it. You’ve got your eyes on the prize, which can make taking care of yourself hard at times. That’s why you appreciate bodily necessities that are perfectly positioned along your commute.

Andrews Vending Machine (Gemini)

Geminis get a lot of flack for being flighty, but here at BlogDailyHerald, we don’t think that enjoying multiple options should be a bad thing. You know you’re all about keeping doors open and not locking into a decision before necessary, so why should your water drinking experience be any different? The Andrews vending machine provides the perfect chance to either obtain some famously delicious drip droppity or spring for a juice/soda if that’s what your heart desires.

Blue Room Water Spout (Libra)

We admire your inner calm, Libra. That’s why the Blue Room water spout is perfect for your hydration needs. Nestled in quietly productive Faunce, the spout elegantly delivers hydration right to your bottle. Of course, the aesthetics are premier. We know you take every decision you make very seriously and that you’re sure to weigh the pros and cons of every watering hole on campus before making your decision. That’s why we hope that we can be a guiding hand in helping you choose.

Infused Water from the Ratty (Taurus)

Taurus, let’s cut right to the chase. We know that you’re dependable, and you deserve a dependable water supply. The Ratty is one of the few dining halls on campus that is open rain-or-shine, break-or-not. The infusion of various fruits adds a flashy touch of vitality to a day that might be somewhat monotonous otherwise, and its prime location gives you the ability to eat your heart out — while staying gloriously hydrated.

Scili Café Water Dispenser (Cancer)

Sometimes, life can get really tough. That’s why you need the cement walls of the Scili to protect you from whatever might be getting you emotional, Cancer. The Scili Café water dispenser is perfect located in the quiet, calm Scili — where nothing can hurt you. Cancer, feel free to take a sip and a moment to breathe. You might even consider taking advantage of the machine’s water-boiling capabilities to make a soothing cup of tea.

Poland Springs Sparkling Water from the Blue Room (Leo)

There’s no shame in preferring the finer things in life, Leo. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to show those nicer things to your peers. Consider investing in some Poland Springs sparkling water (not sponsored, unfortunately) to show off your unique sense of pizzazz. The bright pop of color will make sure to tell anyone that sees you, “Yeah, I know what the Blue Room is. I engage in capitalist commerce.”

Water from your Brita (Virgo)

Clean water is a human right, Virgo. Keeping your space organized and your life in check is important to ensuring that you maximize your capabilities as a human being. We think that your water should be held to that same standard. Filter out the bad energies (and Rhode Island’s notorious lead contamination http://www.browndailyherald.com/2018/04/25/rhode-island-struggles-address-lead-poisoning-problem/ ) from your eight cups a day by investing in a Brita water filter — if you don’t already own one, that is.

Jo’s Water Fountain (Scorpio)

Home to the second tastiest water on campus, the water dispenser at Jo’s (just the water dispenser, not the vending machine) is the perfect location for any Scorpio. The dark atmosphere (after all, Jo’s only opens after six) is sure to make any Scorpio feel at home — especially since it is the sign of the underworld. The spicy withs mirror your hot personality and the late hours are accommodating of your less-than-perfect sleeping schedule. Best of all, since most people veer toward the vending machine, there’s no reason to feel jealous when getting in your eight cups.

Water from the Sink (Aquarius)

Who doesn’t love a practical thinker, Aquarius? After all, who really cares where a life-giving fluid comes from, given that you’re able to access it? The sinks that are helpfully placed in every dormitory on campus are your golden ticket to hydration. Easy, accessible, and always open for business. Sure, Rhode Island doesn’t have the best track record with tap water, but you’ve done the calculations and you’re willing to take the risk.

Basement of 85 Waterman Hydration Station (Pisces)

Sometimes, you just need to stare off into the rain. Luckily, the 85 Waterman Basement gives you the perfect opportunity to both keep your body hydrated and become one with nature. Pisces, we know that you need moments in life to just take it slow and let your mind wander. Let the hydration station water your earthly form just as the rain quenches the earth. Whether you sink into the window seat in the basement or take the elevator up to the dope-ass greenhouse, 85 Waterman is sure to please.