What Brown Founder Are You?


Pros and Cons of “The Rodent”

Pros:

  •  The visceral reaction to “Rodent” is more analogous to the Sharpe Refectory experience than “Ratty.”
  • A “rodent” was found dead in the building, not a “ratty.”
  •  Anarchy for the sake of anarchy is, at its core, kind of fun.
  •   I don’t really remember why it’s called the Ratty, at least this way I’ll have an explanation for why we nicknamed a dining hall after the most recognizable symbol of disease.

Cons:

  • Rodent? Are you serious? Gross.
  •  Renaming a landmark structure alienates older students.
  • I don’t even get it.
  •  It’s been the “Ratty” for as long as the current generations can remember.
  • Does nobody care about common decency anymore?
  •  There are certain values which are integral to an institutions core, and it is the responsibility of the populace to uphold those traditions.
  • Am I really going to have to go talk to some lanyard wearing freshman to figure out why they decided the Rodent was an acceptable name for─
  • Why do I sound like a traditionalist conservative?
  •  Is all it takes to bring out the hardline conservative in me─ the Rodent vs. Ratty debate??
  • Maybe the Rodent is the change we need.

 


Things Nobody Has Ever Said at Brown

  1. Why don’t we just call it the Sharpe?

  1. Thank god all this construction is going on, I don’t know what I would do if I saw an unblocked sidewalk.

  1. Instead of anger at the petty, personal inconvenience ambulance alarms cause for me over the weekends, I feel empathy and pain for those that called the paramedics.

  1. I’m an asshole pedestrian, but I refuse to admit it because existing on a college campus has made me believe that the streets between Brown and Hope belong exclusively to me.

  1. That guy revving his motorcycle super fucking loudly must have a gigantic phallus.

  1. I joke about getting hit by the shuttle to pay for my tuition, but I own two Canada Goose jackets and my parents live in the Hamptons.

  1. My friends from orientation are my strongest support network, even four years after orientation.

  1. 257 Thayer is priced reasonably and in no way caters to the economic 1% that Brown loves to disproportionately accept.

  1. Plastic-bottle-vodka mixed with diet Coke is my favorite drink, and I mean that legitimately, not because it’s all I have access to as an underaged college student.

  1.  Burrito bowls are forty cents more expensive at the larger Bajas- another example of the failures of capitalism.  

  1.  Figuring out whether to wave, smile, or say hi to people I met at a party once in freshman year but still recognize causes me no anxiety whatsoever.

  1.  I make memes about depression because they’re relatable and convince myself they’re a good example of mental illness representation ─­ even though I’ve never struggled with depression myself.

  1.  The practicality of lanyards seriously outweighs what a fucking dweeb you look like while wearing them.

  1.  The food security the Ratty provides makes up for the fact that they use raisins as seasoning.

  1.  Thank god Patagonia opened on Thayer. Everyone is talking about it, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to become the next campus hotspot.

  1.  I’ve been following my budget closely all semester, and I’m actually at a surplus.

  1.  I bought all the textbooks for my classes this semester.

  1.  East-Side Mini-Mart offers goods at reasonable prices and doesn’t try to price-gouge college students that don’t have any other options in the near vicinity.

  1.  You know what would be a terrible idea for Thayer? A supermarket.

  1.  Trader Joe’s coming to Thayer was never a believable proposition, but being spoon-fed the concept that hard work and resiliency essentially deserve cosmic reward made me accept it without question.


To All the Classes I’ve Loved Before

You’ll never know how I thought of you, sitting in Physics, wishing I could be in you instead.

During those never-ending nights at the SciLi, when I dreamed of all the euphorically early nights you could give me. I could never get you off my mind, as hard as I might. I remember dreaming of Introduction to Sleep while dozing off in Thermodynamics. Wishing I could be in ENGN 90 while suffering through ENGN 1590. Who wouldn’t want to take Rocks with Jocks instead of Organic Chemistry with Pre-Meds?

Some semesters, it was my fault, some yours, and some semesters all that separated us was a poorly-placed section time. There’s no denying that our timing was always off. You were at nine a.m., I refused to give up my Sunday night ragers. You were MWF and I really wanted a four-day weekend. You were 12-1 and I really wanted lunch. You were in Bio-Med and I was living in Grad Center. No matter the Herculean effort I put forward, it just wouldn’t work.

I won’t pretend that I won’t think of you after graduation. Though our relationship was largely one-sided, and you never tried to meet me halfway, I can’t just forget you. Even when the days of drinking vodka cokes from red Solo cups are but a distant memory, I’m certain that I’ll remember you in fondness.

The class that could never be, the seminar that never was.


Providence Weather Forecast: 4 szns, 1 week, nothing matters anymore

Monday:

Get ready to start the week off right with a 67% chance of disappointment when you don’t receive that sweet, sweet cancellation email from Russell Carey. Prepare for a misleadingly sunny day that turns into a life-threateningly cold evening. Based on data from the National Weather Institute, we’re expecting a particularly severe wave of  “shit, why didn’t I put on a coat this morning.”

 

Tuesday:

Folks, you’ll be happy to hear that you’re waking up to a winter wonderland this morning! Beautiful, sparkling snow is set to cover every inch of campus, even making the Scili look bearable (from the outside, at least). Get ready to fall back in love with Brown, even in this trying pre-finals season. We predict you’ll be able to enjoy a wondrous blanket of white for a luxurious three and a half minutes! Afterwards, experts are predicting a cruelly instantaneous transformation to grey slush (just like the rest of your dreams).

 

Wednesday:

It’s here! The one beautiful Providence day of the entire year. Sunshine, friends, and well-deserved dopamine are sure to abound. The kind of day that makes even the strictest of professors say “hey, why don’t we move this discussion outside?” When you do decide to collect some sweet vitamin D (;)), make sure to pack a picnic blanket, an ole pigskin to toss around, and a conscious acknowledgement that you are currently ignoring a crushing number of responsibilities.

 

Thursday:

Watch out this Thursday for a special treat — Providence’s famous Second Winter. This fantastic meteorological phenomenon has been proven to affect College Hill more than any other location in the nation. Dozens of studies over the decades have shown that Second Winter, commonly referred to as Freezing Your Ass Off in April for No Goddamn Reason, is exceptionally effective at convincing students to transfer schools.

 

Friday:

Get ready for an entirely pleasant day and early afternoon, with temperatures dropping suddenly in the nighttime. Effective methods of beating the cold include staying inside, wearing a heavy coat, or wearing your mini dress and going out anyway because dammit, you deserve this. It’s been a long week and you don’t party that much, but Fridays are for the girls and the weather should know that.

 

Saturday:

Looks like this is going to be a pretty average day. You’re too hungover to get outside anyways. Damn you, mini dress.

 

Sunday:

We’ll be finishing the week on a high note — a beautifully crisp April day. We predict an 82% chance of you not enjoying even one moment of it because you’re stuck inside cramming all the work you’ve been putting off for the past two days. Be sure to expect a downpour of “who can concentrate on such a gorgeous day,” with a slight cloud cover of “you, you have to concentrate on such a gorgeous day.”  

 

Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign and We’ll Tell You Where to Hydrate

Regular Ole Water Fountain/Bubbler (Aries)

Being an Aries can be tough — people always seem to be in the way. When you’re trying to get hydrated, the last thing you want to do is get in line behind someone who doesn’t know how to operate a filter. Lucky for you, nobody ever uses the water fountains on campus. You’ll be in and out of there in no time, and without causing a fight! Aries, we know you’re willing to fight for what you want — but you also know to pick your battles. This semester, don’t let H2O be one of them.

Coffee Exchange Water Fountain (Sagittarius)

Sagittarius, we know you love an adventure. That’s why we’ve chosen a water hole that’s a bit further away than the usual bounds of College Hill. Still close enough to be accessible, and yet enough of a walk to call it an outing. Not only is Coffee Exchange home to some of the most delicious water in the greater College Hill area, their variety of coffee selections from all around the world will make you feel truly well-traveled.

Barus and Holley Hydration Station (Capricorn)

You’re a person that knows what you want, and when you need hydration, you need it now. That’s why the Barus and Holley hydration station is perfect for you, Capricorn. Not only do you get to incorporate some much needed H2O into your busy schedule, you get to save the planet while you’re at it. You’ve got your eyes on the prize, which can make taking care of yourself hard at times. That’s why you appreciate bodily necessities that are perfectly positioned along your commute.

Andrews Vending Machine (Gemini)

Geminis get a lot of flack for being flighty, but here at BlogDailyHerald, we don’t think that enjoying multiple options should be a bad thing. You know you’re all about keeping doors open and not locking into a decision before necessary, so why should your water drinking experience be any different? The Andrews vending machine provides the perfect chance to either obtain some famously delicious drip droppity or spring for a juice/soda if that’s what your heart desires.

Blue Room Water Spout (Libra)

We admire your inner calm, Libra. That’s why the Blue Room water spout is perfect for your hydration needs. Nestled in quietly productive Faunce, the spout elegantly delivers hydration right to your bottle. Of course, the aesthetics are premier. We know you take every decision you make very seriously and that you’re sure to weigh the pros and cons of every watering hole on campus before making your decision. That’s why we hope that we can be a guiding hand in helping you choose.

Infused Water from the Ratty (Taurus)

Taurus, let’s cut right to the chase. We know that you’re dependable, and you deserve a dependable water supply. The Ratty is one of the few dining halls on campus that is open rain-or-shine, break-or-not. The infusion of various fruits adds a flashy touch of vitality to a day that might be somewhat monotonous otherwise, and its prime location gives you the ability to eat your heart out — while staying gloriously hydrated.

Scili Café Water Dispenser (Cancer)

Sometimes, life can get really tough. That’s why you need the cement walls of the Scili to protect you from whatever might be getting you emotional, Cancer. The Scili Café water dispenser is perfect located in the quiet, calm Scili — where nothing can hurt you. Cancer, feel free to take a sip and a moment to breathe. You might even consider taking advantage of the machine’s water-boiling capabilities to make a soothing cup of tea.

Poland Springs Sparkling Water from the Blue Room (Leo)

There’s no shame in preferring the finer things in life, Leo. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to show those nicer things to your peers. Consider investing in some Poland Springs sparkling water (not sponsored, unfortunately) to show off your unique sense of pizzazz. The bright pop of color will make sure to tell anyone that sees you, “Yeah, I know what the Blue Room is. I engage in capitalist commerce.”

Water from your Brita (Virgo)

Clean water is a human right, Virgo. Keeping your space organized and your life in check is important to ensuring that you maximize your capabilities as a human being. We think that your water should be held to that same standard. Filter out the bad energies (and Rhode Island’s notorious lead contamination http://www.browndailyherald.com/2018/04/25/rhode-island-struggles-address-lead-poisoning-problem/ ) from your eight cups a day by investing in a Brita water filter — if you don’t already own one, that is.

Jo’s Water Fountain (Scorpio)

Home to the second tastiest water on campus, the water dispenser at Jo’s (just the water dispenser, not the vending machine) is the perfect location for any Scorpio. The dark atmosphere (after all, Jo’s only opens after six) is sure to make any Scorpio feel at home — especially since it is the sign of the underworld. The spicy withs mirror your hot personality and the late hours are accommodating of your less-than-perfect sleeping schedule. Best of all, since most people veer toward the vending machine, there’s no reason to feel jealous when getting in your eight cups.

Water from the Sink (Aquarius)

Who doesn’t love a practical thinker, Aquarius? After all, who really cares where a life-giving fluid comes from, given that you’re able to access it? The sinks that are helpfully placed in every dormitory on campus are your golden ticket to hydration. Easy, accessible, and always open for business. Sure, Rhode Island doesn’t have the best track record with tap water, but you’ve done the calculations and you’re willing to take the risk.

Basement of 85 Waterman Hydration Station (Pisces)

Sometimes, you just need to stare off into the rain. Luckily, the 85 Waterman Basement gives you the perfect opportunity to both keep your body hydrated and become one with nature. Pisces, we know that you need moments in life to just take it slow and let your mind wander. Let the hydration station water your earthly form just as the rain quenches the earth. Whether you sink into the window seat in the basement or take the elevator up to the dope-ass greenhouse, 85 Waterman is sure to please.