How to Cuff the Hottie You Keep Seeing Around Campus

Look, I get it.

You’re hopelessly, irrevocably in love. Okay, sure, you’ve never actually spoken to them ─ that’s only a minor issue. After all, you’ve certainly seen them enough times to recognize the back of their head at a dimly-lit party, which is its own form of intimacy. At the end of the day, you know that your vibes align, you just need to figure out how to make the first move, and I’m here to help.

 

  1.       Do not, under any circumstances, try to speak to them.

At first glance, talking to the object of your affection might seem like a great idea. A simple self-introduction, a fact that relates the two of you (“Haven’t I seen you in my Beyonce: Herstory seminar?”), and a charming smile ─ what could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong. Speaking to people needlessly puts you in a position of vulnerability. Opening yourself up to human connection at the risk of getting hurt? No, thank you. Instead, try silently staring at them from across the party. They’ll be sure to notice you, and they might even mention you to their friends!

 

  1.       Write a BBA about them.

Ah yes, the much more approachable relative of talking to your crush ─ writing them anonymous love letters. Though BBA (Brown Bears Admirers) has been defunct for a few months, rest easy knowing that BBA (Blueno Bears Admirers) provides a haven for all to deluge their lovestruck secrets. Though the seismic rebranding of BBA to BBA has caused a few followers to be lost in the process, some Brunonian is sure to tag your sweet. You can spend the rest of your day knowing that you’ve uplifted them and proceed to do absolutely nothing more. After all, you wrote the BBA. They should sense who you are and ask you on a date, not the other way around.

 

  1.       Make note of the places they frequent, and make sure that you’re there. Always.

Running into people is much less coincidental then you might have been led to believe. When it comes to your future spouse, it doesn’t make much sense to leave something so important up to cosmic luck. So, take your future into your own hands. Make a mental note of where you see them, whether that be local cafes, eateries, or libraries. Take a week of your time to really get acquainted with your lover’s second homes, spending at least seven hours in each place. The more time you spend sitting and waiting, the higher your chances of making awkward eye contact with your sweetheart when they come in. Scientific studies have shown that familiarity leads to love, so just make sure that you’re always within eyesight. They’ll have to say something at some point, even if they’re just asking to take the chair across from you.  

 

  1.       Tell all your friends about them in the hope that someone sets you two up.

Let’s be honest, “They were wearing a green sweater on Friday” is probably not a good enough description for your friends to immediately recognize your crush. However, nearly everyone is a Facebook Sherlock these days. I’m sure with a little determination and a hearty helping of elbow grease, your compatriots can make it happen. After all, what are best friends, casual friends, and distant acquaintances for? With Brown’s tight-knit and — at times — too small community, someone is sure to be able to link up the two of you. After that, it’s smooth sailing as your friend will no doubt arrange an elaborate blind date for the two of you.

 

  1.       Be yourself, if that’s what they’re into.

Imagine this ─ it’s a beautiful, crisp autumn day and you’ve done the unthinkable, you’ve introduced yourself to someone who was once just a beautiful stranger. Huzzah! You’ve thrown the hook, but how do you reel them in? The question might seem daunting, but the answer is simple: just be yourself, as long as they’re into that. You’re more than welcome to have your own hobbies, passions…  and interests on your own time, but if they’re not what your darling is interested in ─ drop your convictions immediately. A careful perusal of their Facebook and Instagram is sure to tell you what shows you should like, what foods you should be obsessed with, and the friend group that you should assimilate into. After initially drawing them in with your commonalities, you might even be able to slip in some of your real interests ─ just make sure not to do it too quickly.

 


Your First Night out after Midterms

 

8:00 p.m.: You’re getting ready; you’re pumped, you deserve this. You’ve had a long week, you’ve spent countless hours in the SciLi… So what if you blackout and wake up at 2 p.m tomorrow? The memories you don’t remember will be totally worth it.

9:00 p.m.: You start texting your friends, trying to figure out who’s up for the 24-hour rager you’re envisioning. “Sorry, I’m studying for exams next week :/” and “I don’t know… I’m pretty busy with work.” F@ck. After texting eight other people, you reach out to your freshman-year roommate that you talk to occasionally. They’re down.

10:00 p.m.: You find yourself at a dorm party. It seems like it might be a birthday, but you don’t know the host. Somehow, it was much more glorious when you were envisioning it a few hours ago. Kind of cramped and hot, when you think about it. At least the lecture hall had ventilation, you find yourself thinking. Wait. Why the f#ck are you comparing this party to your exam?  

11:00 p.m.: After a few drinks and a new location, you’re finally starting to have a good time. The white-girl-decor swirls together. Kind of looks like a bunch of hexagons. Hexagons. Where have you seen those before… A chill runs down your spine. You start thinking about the cyclical carbon chains on your organic chemistry midterm. Snap out of it, you think to yourself. It’s over, you don’t have to worry anymore. You’re enjoying rum-and-coke out of a red solo cup, you’re the epitome of relaxation. But… is it over? Did the professor schedule another midterm within the last two days? Maybe you should just check Canvas to make sure. You barely resist. Your thumb twitches

12:00 p.m.: You notice the cute girl from section standing to the side. Intoxicated, you decide to shoot your shot. You walk up to her, ready to deliver your smoothest one liner. “What… how did you think the exam went?” you hear yourself slur. F#ck! Can you relate to people on any level besides academic?! Why did you think that would be a good opener?? This isn’t freshman year anymore, that shit doesn’t slide. “I think it was okay, haha,” she says. You’re too drunk to discern if it’s a genuine smile or not (spoiler: it’s not). She moves towards her friends.

1:00 a.m.: Normally, this is when your night would start, but after a week of surviving on three hours of sleep a night, you’re ready to turn in. You turn to say goodbye to your old roommate, but you lost them a few parties ago. Damn. You start the trek home.  

11:00 a.m: You wake up, groggy, dry-mouthed, and with a headache. You haven’t felt this shitty in the last two weeks, you think happily. You try to keep your exam-paper-flashbacks at bay. Finally, the freedom to get f*cked up.

 


What Brown Founder Are You?


Pros and Cons of “The Rodent”

Pros:

  •  The visceral reaction to “Rodent” is more analogous to the Sharpe Refectory experience than “Ratty.”
  • A “rodent” was found dead in the building, not a “ratty.”
  •  Anarchy for the sake of anarchy is, at its core, kind of fun.
  •   I don’t really remember why it’s called the Ratty, at least this way I’ll have an explanation for why we nicknamed a dining hall after the most recognizable symbol of disease.

Cons:

  • Rodent? Are you serious? Gross.
  •  Renaming a landmark structure alienates older students.
  • I don’t even get it.
  •  It’s been the “Ratty” for as long as the current generations can remember.
  • Does nobody care about common decency anymore?
  •  There are certain values which are integral to an institutions core, and it is the responsibility of the populace to uphold those traditions.
  • Am I really going to have to go talk to some lanyard wearing freshman to figure out why they decided the Rodent was an acceptable name for─
  • Why do I sound like a traditionalist conservative?
  •  Is all it takes to bring out the hardline conservative in me─ the Rodent vs. Ratty debate??
  • Maybe the Rodent is the change we need.

 


Things Nobody Has Ever Said at Brown

  1. Why don’t we just call it the Sharpe?

  1. Thank god all this construction is going on, I don’t know what I would do if I saw an unblocked sidewalk.

  1. Instead of anger at the petty, personal inconvenience ambulance alarms cause for me over the weekends, I feel empathy and pain for those that called the paramedics.

  1. I’m an asshole pedestrian, but I refuse to admit it because existing on a college campus has made me believe that the streets between Brown and Hope belong exclusively to me.

  1. That guy revving his motorcycle super fucking loudly must have a gigantic phallus.

  1. I joke about getting hit by the shuttle to pay for my tuition, but I own two Canada Goose jackets and my parents live in the Hamptons.

  1. My friends from orientation are my strongest support network, even four years after orientation.

  1. 257 Thayer is priced reasonably and in no way caters to the economic 1% that Brown loves to disproportionately accept.

  1. Plastic-bottle-vodka mixed with diet Coke is my favorite drink, and I mean that legitimately, not because it’s all I have access to as an underaged college student.

  1.  Burrito bowls are forty cents more expensive at the larger Bajas- another example of the failures of capitalism.  

  1.  Figuring out whether to wave, smile, or say hi to people I met at a party once in freshman year but still recognize causes me no anxiety whatsoever.

  1.  I make memes about depression because they’re relatable and convince myself they’re a good example of mental illness representation ─­ even though I’ve never struggled with depression myself.

  1.  The practicality of lanyards seriously outweighs what a fucking dweeb you look like while wearing them.

  1.  The food security the Ratty provides makes up for the fact that they use raisins as seasoning.

  1.  Thank god Patagonia opened on Thayer. Everyone is talking about it, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to become the next campus hotspot.

  1.  I’ve been following my budget closely all semester, and I’m actually at a surplus.

  1.  I bought all the textbooks for my classes this semester.

  1.  East-Side Mini-Mart offers goods at reasonable prices and doesn’t try to price-gouge college students that don’t have any other options in the near vicinity.

  1.  You know what would be a terrible idea for Thayer? A supermarket.

  1.  Trader Joe’s coming to Thayer was never a believable proposition, but being spoon-fed the concept that hard work and resiliency essentially deserve cosmic reward made me accept it without question.


To All the Classes I’ve Loved Before

You’ll never know how I thought of you, sitting in Physics, wishing I could be in you instead.

During those never-ending nights at the SciLi, when I dreamed of all the euphorically early nights you could give me. I could never get you off my mind, as hard as I might. I remember dreaming of Introduction to Sleep while dozing off in Thermodynamics. Wishing I could be in ENGN 90 while suffering through ENGN 1590. Who wouldn’t want to take Rocks with Jocks instead of Organic Chemistry with Pre-Meds?

Some semesters, it was my fault, some yours, and some semesters all that separated us was a poorly-placed section time. There’s no denying that our timing was always off. You were at nine a.m., I refused to give up my Sunday night ragers. You were MWF and I really wanted a four-day weekend. You were 12-1 and I really wanted lunch. You were in Bio-Med and I was living in Grad Center. No matter the Herculean effort I put forward, it just wouldn’t work.

I won’t pretend that I won’t think of you after graduation. Though our relationship was largely one-sided, and you never tried to meet me halfway, I can’t just forget you. Even when the days of drinking vodka cokes from red Solo cups are but a distant memory, I’m certain that I’ll remember you in fondness.

The class that could never be, the seminar that never was.