Posts by Adam Toobin

Owen Patrick Kennedy, son of former Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy, was born Sunday and released from the hospital yesterday, destined for a path of political greatness. According to media reports, the young future president slept through his first press conference, an apparent attack on what the 2-day-old today called “the media’s polarizing and irresponsible behavior over the last three years of Obama’s presidency.”

Anthony Gemma, famous for his fictional “yo momma” fight with Congressman David Cicilline ’83 last week, has officially announced his candidacy challenging Cicilline for the Democratic nomination in the race to represent Lil Rhody’s first congressional district in D.C. In his announcement, Gemma told Cicilline his “campaign is so weak, [his] grandmother’s super PAC could raise more money than him.” In response, Cicilline mocked Gemma, saying he “couldn’t understand why a man [he] beat so badly two years ago would want a rematch.” He added, “Unless of course he just wants to see firsthand how a congressman makes a grown man cry.” (Source: Wikipedia)

Newt Gingrich’s wife Callista was spotted campaigning for her husband in a library in East Providence yesterday. Sitting next to someone dressed as an elephant, the national animal of the United States (maybe?), the First Lady-hopeful read to local children from her own children’s book, called Sweet Land of Liberty. Though we at BlogDailyHerald have not read the book — it shockingly hasn’t been assigned in any of our classes — we presume the title of the book is referring to the moon, the Gingrichs’ favorite destination.

Fake ID trumps true identity. Governor Chafee’s son Caleb, 18, was arrested trying to buy alcohol at a liquor store in Jamestown, R.I. Police were called and Caleb was charged. He could face a $500 fine. Caleb, word of advice — when you’re the governor’s son and you’re buying liquor in his state, just get a friend to get you booze. Or, another option: go to Spiritus, where they’re very apolitical.

Back-and-forth gets personal. Anthony Gemma, prospective primary challenger to Representative David Cicilline ’83, questioned the timing of former Providence mayor Cicilline’s admission that he made false statements during the 2010 campaign about the city’s financial situation. The accusation was challenged by Cicilline, who told the Providence Journal (#projoswag) he doubted the timing of Gemma’s decision to register as a Democrat. Gemma countered by saying he questioned the timing of Cicilline’s mother’s decision to register as a Democrat. Cicilline responded with “Yo momma’s so far to the right, the Tea Party told her to get with the times.” (At least half of that story is true.) #electionseason

The crumbling masses. In a story that’s sure to light the country on fire, the R.I. Coastal Resources Management Council has denied a South Kingstown petition to build a retaining wall alongside Mantunuck Beach Road, an initiative that would work to secure the road against further erosion damage. President Obama, where is the federal leadership on this issue?! The country is eroding in front of your very eyes! (“Eroding,” did you catch that?)

Minor offenses. Two people were arrested in East Providence over the weekend for serving alcohol at a party to a number of children — one as young as 6 years old. Though police said the child only consumed a small amount of alcohol, at least one woman has been charged with purchasing alcohol for a minor as well as contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Hard to say if this is funny, or if we should preserve the dignity of minors along with their identities.

Who let the dogs (food) out? Rhode Island will no longer allow the beef additive known as “pink slime” in its school food starting next year. Pink slime was outlawed as an additive in human-consumed food until 2001; before that, it was only used in dog food. If it’s not melted pink Starburst, why are we even bothering to consume something called pink slime? That mystery meat is goin’ to the dogs.

If planking on city property is cool, then consider them Miles Davis. Providence police are investigating pictures of two women “planking” on a city police van, according to the Providence Journal (how is this possibly “BREAKING NEWS?”). Planking — individuals lying in the plank position in funny or outrageous places — burst onto the online scene in the past year, leading to thousands of such pictures. The Providence Police discovered the criminal photos on Facebook. Further ProPo investigations will explore who put a picture of chief of police Hugh Clements’ cat on Cats that Look Like Hitler and who managed to take a nude picture of Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P ’14 and post it on BrownBares.

No taxation without protest(ation). Opponents of Chafee’s proposed meal tax increase are staging a “tea party” downtown Wednesday to protest the two percent hike that they say will hurt business. Despite a desire to emulate our good founders, this group is taking precautions to make sure the tea they are throwing into the Providence Harbor does not pollute it. Other examples of protests utilizing historical references: retail stores burning their bras, car dealers holding a million van march, and of course, Pawtucket’s controversial decision to secede from the Union. It’s about states’ rights!

He’s a centenarian, not a centaur. A Providence local has turned 100 years old. At a surprise birthday gathering, Albert Gabriel revealed to ABC6 that his secret for living a long life was to not “get aggravated.” Is he trying to say he has lived in Providence for a hundred years and not gotten aggravated? Not even when FishCo closed? How about the demise of pizza in a cone? What about its rise? Really?

Tigers are not cooler than bears. In disappointing Rhode Island news, the Roger Williams Park Zoo has nixed plans to bring in some additional polar bears, instead opting to build a new tiger exhibit. Tigers over bears?! I know with Christina Paxson coming in from Princeton, this might look suspicious, but we’re still the same old Brown Bears that we used to be. Or is this because we won’t increase our payments to the city? One controversy over some money and suddenly you’re off courting Tigers? Really Roger Williams Park Zoo?  Really?! Leaving your old-faithful Bears in the dust? Really Zoo?!  Really?!

Blurring the line. In Barrington, R.I., an attorney who specializes in defending people charged with D.U.I’s has been charged with a D.U.I herself. Hey, we all know how difficult it is to keep our personal and professional life separate.

Remember to honk your horn. A new study shows that Providence drivers are as bad as they seem. Providence was ranked 95th worst out of 100 cities considered by Men’s Magazine. Don’t worry, Providence, you don’t need their validation! We know you have your strong points — WaterFire, for example. Providence is the #1 WaterFire city in the country!

An 81-year-old woman from Newport has claimed the $336.4 million jackpot from the Rhode Island Lottery. Louisa White will receive $210 million, having chosen the lump sum payout option. This report came on the heels of the Rhode Island House of Representatives’ approval of casino-style games at the Newport Grand. Come on, Louisa! Double your money!  You can’t lose!!

Fenway Park received recognition today from the Federal Government as the newest addition to the National Register of Historic Places. Scandal alert! Fenway Park a historic landmark before McCoy Stadium, the home of the Paw-Sox (thats the Pawtucket Red Sox for those of you who aren’t very cool). Fun fact: McCoy is the stadium where the Sox played the longest game in Baseball history, 33 innings, against those disgusting Rochester Red Wings. Where is their recognition?!?!

A seal that swam into Narragansett Bay has returned out to open sea according to reports from the ProJo. Apparently this is news, according to the Providence Journal.  Wait, this little guy is actually adorable.  Touché ProJo.

Screw this. Let’s Gamble for gold. A recent WPRI poll shows that most RI residents favor expanding the state’s casino gambling options. The state should run with this finding and try to kill two birds with one stone. I say we take the municipal pension fund, go to a craps table, and put it on 31 black. I know the risks are high, but if we win, not only is the deficit solved — golden chariots for all the elderly!

Meryl, you’re me(ry)lting our hearts. It appears that Meryl Streep is trying to make nice with Rhode Island after stealing away the Oscar for Best Actress from Rhody Viola Davis. The now three-time Academy Award-winning actress has donated a total of $20,000 to Upward Bound, a RI charity committed to creating educational opportunities for all. In case that wasn’t enough, the gifts were all in the name of Viola Davis and her sister. It’s bad enough you knock our socks off with your out-of-this-world acting every year, Streep, but to melt our hearts with your generosity as well — unfair, Iron Lady, unfair.

In other news that proves that global warming is a hoax, it will snow today. Suck on that, Obama.

A Gibbon named Gloria has fallen ill, reported the ProJo on its front page this morning. Gibbons, for those of you who don’t know, are an endangered monkey-like species.  While Gloria seems to be suffering from a “mysterious illness,” the most common cause of death among gibbons is fucking with tigers.

Two local mob leaders have said they will soon plead guilty to charges related to racketeering. On a totally unrelated note, plans to re-open Cosa Nostra (under the name Cosa Nostra II: The Return of Jafar) will soon be inexplicably scrapped.

A RI hospital doctor was arrested for possession of cocaine while driving and charged with a DUI. This medicinal hypocrisy has forced us to reevaluate all doctoral advice. We have resolved to drink beer before liquor, wait <30 minutes to swim after eating, consume no apples a day, and use the toothpaste only 1 out of 5 dentists recommend.

As a result of severe economic problems including possible corruption, the Institute for International Sport has had to leave Rhode Island. This move may set a dangerous precedent. Given Rhode Island’s own financial difficulties, we can only imagine it’s not long until Rhode Island will be forced to leave Rhode Island. The Institute, which was created to promote world peace through athletics, has also dropped its official spokesperson, Meta World Peace.

In shocking news, nobody has come forward to claim their winnings from the Powerball. The ticket, which was sold in Newport, garnered winnings of $336 million. If this foolish person does not claim his money, we think the money should be used responsibly to help promote and enhance Rhode Island businesses — or a select business… “Hi Neighbor!”

Proposed legislation would impose an 18-year-old age minimum on patronizing tanning facilities without a doctor’s prescription. Not only do we think this is common sense, but we really we can’t wait to see all the reasons teenagers give to doctors explaining why they need prescriptions for medicinal marijuana a tanning bed. This is a devastating blow for the Rhode Island Junior Coalition of Pauly D enthusiasts who, as a result of this legislation, might have to change their motto From “Gym, Tan, Laundry” to “Gym, Bronzer, Laundry.” It’s just not as catchy. [Read more →]

We got CV(P)S! It appears that CVS has posted huge profits for the final quarter of the year. The R.I.-native company attributed its growth to a new long term contract, reported the ProJo. As astute as that analysis may be, we know the real secret to the company’s success — strategic placement of the ping pong balls right next to the red party cups. No paddles needed. #weplaypongtoo #itscalledbeirut

Today’s agenda involves a grammar workshop that will be closely followed by shots. The school superintendent of Central Falls has come under pressure as a result of his department’s delayed notification that one of his teachers was providing alcohol to students. The 22-year-old Emma Wise apparently brought several of her high school students to a liquor store and proceeded to drink with them after a football game. Liquor?! The best my teacher ever did was shotgun some Natty Light with us after a journalism report-a-thon (or was that just organizational bonding?). But Emma, my dear, you’re not so Wise.

Swinging for the fences. In a story that actually made the front page of the ProJo, two women in Jamestown, R.I. won a court case that forces their neighbors to take down a fence they say was built out of “spite.” This kind of hard-hitting reporting really gives the conflict in Syria some perspective. Oh, ProJo…