Tell Us Your Summer Internship and We’ll Tell You what Office Character You Are

Goldman Sachs/Anything financial

Ryan Howard

This person is a snek, the snekiest snek that ever did snek. Seriously though, they are driven and hardworking and maybe a little morally challenged, but nothing will stand in their way to financial domination and a cushy job at Goldman Sachs.

Art Museum

Pam Greely

The three words you could use to describe them are kind, and passionate, and definitely not a snake (ok maybe not three words). They care about the finer things in life, such as art, and definitely have the patience for repetitive and dull tasks like finding a child who has gotten lost for the third time in ten minutes. You are secretly jealous of their ability to find fulfillment in anything after spring semester.

Family Business

Dwight Schrute

Some call them “privileged,” but they prefer “family-oriented.” While whatever they’re doing may range from rustic (family farm) to highly suspect (definitely mafia), they commit to it fully, because family comes first to them. They’ll often talk about fun memories they had working for their family when they were younger (and maybe omit some key details about concrete boots).

Hollywood

Kelly Kapoor

The most dramatique person you’ve ever met, this total diva is  going to enjoy their time in sunny Los Angeles with the stars while you sob gently to yourself at your poor luck. You’re not sure how they managed it, but with a mixture of swagger and connections, they got an internship in Hollywood. Everything they do, they do with style

Summer Camp Counselor

Jim Halpert

Both fun-loving and caring, this person is gonna chill out and take care of a bunch of kids and engage in shenanigans all summer. Ever the reluctantly-nurturing soul, they’ve definitely carried you back to your dorm from Jo’s at 2 a.m. after one too many Screwdrivers. This summer, they’ll have the full experience — from a summer romance to pulling elaborate pranks on other cabins — and have a blast the entire time. They’ll come back with amazing stories of all the stuff they did, but they’re so genuine that you won’t feel bitter that your internship made you cry on a regular basis.

Menial unpaid internship

Andy Bernard

This person thought that going to an Ivy League school would automatically help them get a great internship; they were wrong. They’re going to spend their summer in an office that is either too hot or too cold around coworkers who will ask them about their “Ivy League Education.” They often brag about going to Brown around you, and you’re definitely sick of their shit.

No internship, no plans

Stanley Hudson

This person needs their summer to recover from the trauma that is the school year. You might call them apathetic, but they just believe in self-care. They might pick up the odd summer job, but nothing too high commitment, because they’re already broken inside.

Kids You’ll Meet in Your FYS

The Show-Off

Went to a private school like Phillips Exeter and won’t stop talking about it and their own supposed intelligence. Drops words like postmodernism willy-nilly just to grind  your gears. Definitely annoys the professor by being incredibly sycophantic yet supremely condescending at the same time. Hearing them talk makes you visibly wince, and they will often include some personal anecdote that’s meant to make them seem sophisticated but just makes you realize how much of a tool they are.

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What in Tarnation!: a look ahead at weird courses for fall 2018

Defense Against the Dark Arts in the Ancient World

Not only did Emma Watson go here, but we literally have a class called Defense Against the Dark Arts. It’s pretty obvious that Brown is the site of a massive underground conspiracy to hide a wizard college in plain sight. I mean, look at this lineup for the spring semester.

I get it, we go to the Muggle part of Hogwarts, it’s fine, I’m not still seething from never getting my letter when I was little.

 

Of Dice and Men

For all those people looking for a fun class, you’ve found it. It does, however, make one wonder at how professors and departments decide courses.

Professor Walsh: Hey, how do you think I could get the department to pay for a bunch of board games?

Chair: If you teach a class on it, you could always make a request as long as it’s not too…

Dr. Walsh: ON IT!!

This sounds like the perfect class for board game enthusiasts and people who need a bit of a break.

 

Life in a Shell

For all those sophomores looking for a fun STEM class to supplement their schedule (@orgo people please be ok) or just people with a predilection towards turtles, this is the class for you. The Critical Review estimates that for the low price of around 3 hours a week, you too can learn all about turtles. With luck, you’ll be able to identify Mitch McConnell’s species at the end!

 

Introduction to Sleep

This is class that everyone at Brown should definitely at least shop or think about shopping to better acquaint themselves with the whole sleep schedule thing–especially considering its 2.8 hour weekly workload. This class will certainly help students maintain some semblance of order in their sleep schedule.

Freshman First Semester Me: Well of course I’ll keep up a good sleep schedule! I’m very responsible!

Grizzled Second-Semester Me, @ 2:34 am, working on problem set: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

 

Before Wikipedia

Ah Wikipedia, the only reason I’ve ever semi-successfully written an essay. If you want to learn more about how people did homework before the internet, this is the way (although it should honestly be tagged under archeology).

 

The Jazz of Modern Physics

You heard it right the first time. The Jazz of Physics. Not the Physics of Jazz. If you want to get roasted every second of every day by physics majors, take this course as you learn how physics is jazz?

I certainly hope you do.