Sexction: What Your Concentration Says About You… Sexually Part 3

This is it. The final installment. And to those of you graduating, remember these concentrations will stay with you for the rest of your lives. So, just think carefully before mounting your diploma above your bedpost. Without further ado, Engineering thru American Civilization:*

Engineering: This concentration is quite hard…and so are its concentrators. But this is mostly because they have no time to go out and meet a partner. So, get ready for the gadgets because these concentrators can engineer a mean sex toy.  From talking dildos to robot blowup dolls, they are always thinking about the most efficient path to the perfect climax. Using their knowledge of complex physics and physical attraction, they will stimulate the most intense fleshly forces…with science.

Education: These concentrators will teach you how it’s done.  Beyond being creative, they possess a great deal of patience and will always adjust to your learning curve. These guys and gals know what they’re doing, so get ready for some AP Sex–the one AP even Princeton Review has failed to publish a study book for.  Just beware of “show and tell,” you never know what crazy positions these concentrators will try and demonstrate.

Economics: Most of these concentrators have a huge GDP (Great Dynamic Penis).  Be sure invest in one of these commodities; it’s worth the opportunity cost (several inferior, less pleasing partners). If you make it into the sack with one of them, it will surely be a worthwhile investment–giving you sexual capital some can only dream of. Econ concentrators are bulls not teddy bears, and while their supply may be high, there’s an even larger demand–so get out there! Continue Reading

Sexction: What Your Concentration Says About You… Sexually PART 2

By this time, the sophomores have already declared, but freshmen listen up.  And remember, it’s never too late to declare a second concentration.  So, let’s continue with the second installment.  Remember, the concentrations are going in reverse alphabetical order.*  Part 2: Medieval Studies – English

Medieval Studies: There is more to Medieval Studies than big turkey wings and knights in shining armor.  These concentrators can joust with their lances (and their penises).  But remember: torture was big during the Middle Ages, so get ready for some bondage and S&M.

Literary Arts: Don’t underestimate what all that time typing does to the agility of these concentrators’ fingers.  Carpal tunnel hasn’t set in yet, but these creative writers’ imaginations have.  Down for role-play and story-telling, these concentrators’ sex lives are anything but boring.  They take their readers to amazing heights on the page and they will do the same for your orgasms.

Linguistics: These concentrators will make you form sounds you didn’t know were possible! Skilled in the art of oral, linguistics majors aren’t afraid of using some tongue to get a little loquacious.  They are all about language formation, but they don’t forget about the human form.  Believe me, they’ll put the SIN back in “syntax.”

Judaic Studies: Happy Passover.  And thank you for circumcision.  These concentrators know about the parting of the sea and the parting of thighs.  It’s all about tradition, however, so get ready for consistent but good sex.  And remember, the one thing you don’t have to worry about with these concentrators is getting a yeast infection. Continue Reading

Sextion: What Your Concentration Says About You… Sexually PART 1

Sophomore concentration declarations are just around the corner, and I thought everyone should know how their choices will affect the future of their sex lives.  This is the first in three installments going in reverse alphabetical order*.  So get ready to discover what your education is really worth.  Part 1: Visual Arts – MCM

Visual Arts: Art concentrators are always molding a new project, moving from one medium to another.  And sexually they are the same way.  They like to have as many paints and people on their pallet at once as possible.  Used to nude drawings and abstract art, they aren’t afraid of anything or anyone.  If you’re thinking of concentrating in visual arts, get ready to cover yourself in paint, have sex on a large canvas, and then hang it in the List gallery.

Theatre Arts & Performance Studies: As dedicated performers, these concentrators are down for role-play and public nudity.  Dramatic by nature, they are open with their feelings and aren’t afraid to say what they want sexually.  Actors are used to rejection, and regardless of how good the sex is–or will be–they know the show must go on.  Just remember, these concentrators know how to perform, so beware of fake orgasms.   Continue Reading

Sexction: My boyfriend is a nympho and he wants me to be his ho!

So my friend, Wet Wendy, had what we all thought to be the perfect boyfriend, Horny Henry. Charming boy. Albeit, he was not the most attractive guy, but he brought her coffee or breakfast almost every morning – convenient, am I right? They hardly ever fight. They both only wear J. Crew – a good old-fashioned country club couple.

At the beginning of their relationship they were in the honeymoon stage. You might have seen them, the king and queen of PDA. They spent every minute together. He treated her like a princess and Wendy constantly had that post sex glow. It turned out that what held their relationship together was tons and tons of sex; and I’m not talking quickies. Long battles between the sheets, and they weren’t done until both of them had won…

At first I was jealous, but that jealousy quickly turned into concern. Wendy could hardly walk. It was two or three good hard battles a day (and more on weekends). I began to worry when she started singing along to Jordin Sparks with her own lyrics: “Why does my vagina always feel like a battlefield?” Wendy assured me that they were just really frisky because the two had just gotten together, but, as the weeks passed by, things took a turn for the worse. Continue Reading

Sexction: Facebook Flirting, Does it Work?

We all Facebook stalk.   We look up prospective crushes to make sure their profile pictures are attractive because–let’s be real–if you don’t look good there, you never will.  And if they pass the picture test, we may create some subtle Facebook flirtation.

So, we’ll take a look at what works and what doesn’t:

Wall Posts: It’s fine to flirt a little, but subtly is key.  Don’t post anything that you don’t want their mom, your mom, or your future boss to see.  This shouldn’t be public sexting.

Private Messages: This is the way to go.   What you write here will probably only be forwarded to every homie in their very private posse of about 43 friends.  So this way only a few people will be laughing at you in the Ratty. Continue Reading

Sexction: How to Sleep with Your TA

Valentine’s Day has arrived.  And if you’re a sad single, I’m sure that even the smelly dude from your freshman year unit is starting to look like a prime piece of meat. I want to keep you on the path to righteousness, however, and show you how to get that sexy TA you drool at every MWF.   I have realized recently that everyone wants to have sex with their TA.  So I have decided to compile a few helpful remarks to help you reach your goal.

First off, this isn’t going to be easy.  I know about 25 girls who all went after the hot Asian NEUR0010 TA (yeah… you know who I’m talking about).  So if you aren’t up for the challenge, back down now. Continue Reading