I was sitting down last Tuesday with a bowl of popcorn, geared up to watch Beyonce and Jay Z’s grammy performance for the umpteenth time, when one of those annoying YouTube ads popped up. It was a five seconder. Not bad, I thought. Except then a sad-looking man filled the screen while acoustic guitar played in the background.
“Hi. I’m Clay Pell. I am announcing my candidacy for the Democratic nomination for governor of Rhode Island…”
I quickly clicked SKIP AD. But as I continued to surf YouTube, I found I couldn’t escape it. Nobody in the state of Rhode Island can. It appeared before every music video and movie trailer I attempted to watch. I started to have nightmares about it.
“Hola. Soy Clay Pell. Hoy, anuncio mi candidatura para la nominación…” AHHH. IT’S EVEN IN SPANISH.
I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what bothered me about the ad, and then I realized: Pell had the same expression and voice typically reserved for anti-depressant and laxative ads. Between the James Blunt-esque music and Pell’s puppy dog eyes, he could just as easily have said: “Hi. I’m Clay Pell. I’m here today to talk about your inflamed colon. I want to let you know — I’m here to help.”
Kevin Allison is returning to Brown this weekend. The funnyman—from MTV’s hit “The State”—is hosting another live storytelling show this Saturday, 8 p.m. at MacMillan. The show features a talented group of RISD and Brown performers, who will be telling hilarious, intriguing tales ”where people dare to share true stories they’ve never told in public!”
Professor Stuart Burrows of the English Department will perform, as well as OOB member David Jacobs ’14, Anna Martin ’16, and RISD students Daisy Hook and Hania Ansari. And Kevin Allison, of course.
Entry is FREE and it’s open to the public, so get there early when the doors open.
Sure, it was classic Jesse Watters journalism. He snarkily edited footage from irrelevant movies in between student interviews. He made fun of students for using phrases like “gender performativity.” (I don’t know what that means, either.) He made one too many dick jokes: “Was your nude scene really small?” “No, it was significant.” Watters STILL referred to the events as “Nudity Week.”
But at the end of the segment, O’Reilly concluded that Nudity in the Upspace was “harmless.” Watters mentioned BlogDH’s Drinking Game (!!!!!) said Brown students were “very articulate and respectful.”
Plus, he took the time to boost one young girl’s self-esteem and body image. Thanks, Jesse. I slept a lot better last night.
Jesse Watters just can’t stay away. He and his camera crew returned to campus yesterday to report on Nudity in the Upspace.
But this time, Blog was ready for him. We attempted to formally interview him, but he declined, stating that we would have to go through Fox’s Media Relations. But he agreed to talk to one of our reporters (who went on the record as a Brown student and not a reporter) while both Fox and Blog filmed.
So, with some trepidation, I jumped in.
Watters, the infamous “The O’Reilly Factor” producer and interviewer, infiltrated SexPowerGod in 2005 and filmed students getting it on in their undies. More recently, Watters returned to Brown’s campus to interview students about the fictional “Holiday Tree” controversy. Watters heavily edited the footage of Brown students—placing audio of crickets chirping over one student as she thought about her answer.
“The admissions policy at Brown,” said O’Reilly. “They have ‘Do you believe in Christmas?’ And if you say yes, they don’t let you in.” Continue Reading
Ah, senior year. We’re nearing adulthood now. The fresh promise of the GCB awaits us, rendering the years of sweating it out at an AEPi frat party almost obsolete. It’s a new era of sophistication, responsibility, monogamous hookups, and wine and cheese dinner parties!
And we get to do it all off-campus. Right next to the favorite haunts of the John St. masturbator.
Underclassmen, take note: living off-campus is not all that it seems. Sure, we get living rooms–full of shitty furniture that we found off of Craigslist. Seriously, those bastards in Keeney have nicer lounges than we do. Wine and cheese dinner parties aren’t as fun when you’ve spent your entire month’s allowance on manchego cheese.
Actually, that was entirely worth it. If I could spend all my money on the hard cheeses, I totally would.
And monogamous hookups? A recipe for declining libido.
The Original John St. Masturbator
Also, I thought having a masturbator roaming your block would be entertaining. Like free pay-per-view porn. But once he started wanking outside my neighbor’s homes, I got… well, sort of sad. He seems so pathetic, with his long black hair and questionable dress choices. A hoodie and no pants? In September? Who are you, Miley Cyrus?!
I went through an off-campus crisis. It went something like this:
Classes have been cancelled at Dartmouth today. No, Hurricane Sandy has not been resurrected. Nor has a surprise blizzard blown its way into Hanover, burying the campus in snow and halting all meaningful work. The administration has cancelled classes because of a highly polarizing protest that has sparked anger, threats, and hatred throughout the campus.
Dartmouth hosts an accepted students weekend called Dimensions, which essentially the equivalent of ADOCH. In the middle of a Friday show for prospective students, around 15 protestors barged in, screaming “Dartmouth has a problem!” The students—holding signs with messages like “I was called a fag in my freshman dorm”—aimed to inform the accepted students about issues of homophobia, racism, and sexual assault on-campus. We could tell you more, but see for yourself:
The performers from Dimensions hid to avoid conflict with the protestors, who were eventually shut down when one prospective student started a group chant of “We Love Dartmouth.”
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