Sextion: It’s cuffin’ season, y’all

unnamedDo you feel it? That change in the air. That sickening curious smell of… romantic bliss?

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Yes, Brunonia. The beginning of November means that cuffing season is upon us. For those of you lucky enough to come from a warm part of the country, where cuffin’ season just isn’t really a thing, or for those of you who simply missed the term, cuffing season is:

An annual phenomenon in which people decide to hook up exclusively (i.e. get “cuffed” or tied down) just as it is starting to get cold out.

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Sextion: Your sex life, as explained by Halloween candy

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When trying to determine which aspect of Halloween I wanted to write about for this week’s Sextion post, I was distraught as all hell. The former Sextion columnists absolutely killed it in the costume department: if you need to know what not to wear if you want to hook up with someone this Halloweekend, what sex your costume will inspire, and what your costume says about your sexuality, check them out! 

What could I write about, though? A Halloween-themed Sextion post seemed hopeless until it hit me: candy. Candy’s the part of Halloween you cared the most about when you were a little kid, but nowadays it seems to take the backseat to sexy costumes and partying (ugh).

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However, candy, often ignored in the college Halloween scene, can be sexy and fun, too! So, in honor of this holiday’s real star, here is your sex life as explained by Halloween candies:

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M&Ms: A dime a dozen, not that interesting, and slightly unsatisfying, M&Ms are missionary. However, you can eat about a million of these without ever getting bored, so maybe I should cut M&Ms/missionary some slack.

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Lifesavers: Lifesavers are the end of a long sexual dry spell. Let’s agree that that much needed hookup just might’ve saved your life/sanity

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Airheads: Airheads are a little strange (their texture? their shape? their colors?) till you realize how AMAZING they are. You know what else seems weird until you get the hang of it? High sex.

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Oh Henry!s: Clearly, “Ohhhhhhhh” Henrys are great sex with a guy named Henry. Unfortunately, like these candy bars, which I have literally never laid eyes upon before, Henrys are fairly hard to find in this day and age. If only they were called “Oh Mike!”s or “Oh Matt!”s!

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Take 5: When the sex is so bomb you need to take a 5 minute break.

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SweeTarts: SweeTarts are sex with your high school sweetheart. Sadly, just as you slowly realize that you’ve outgrown that relationship, you also eventually come to the understanding that Sweetarts are low-key gross.

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Snickers: Snickers are when you have an awkward moment while hooking up (such as not being able to get your partner’s clothes off or accidentally bumping teeth while aggressively making out), but you’re both awesome enough to giggle it off and continue.

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Sour Patch Kids: What do Sour Patch Kids have in common with hate sex? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet.

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3 Musketeers: The makers of this candy bar are just begging me to point out its obvious threesome nature. You kinky musketeers you.636_butterfinger2_apgButterfingers: I almost didn’t include this one because it’s so obvious. Clearly, Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, would be fingering, my favorite form of foreplay.

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Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Goodbar knows how to treat a lady, if you know what I mean.

I hope I ruined the childlike innocence of some of your favorite Halloween candies. Now go have an awesome Halloweekend, Brunonia!

Love,

Demi

Images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, and via.


Sextion: How to have shower sex in college

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Have you ever tried to have shower sex, but then had the whole situation turn into an absolute disaster? Were you freezing cold because your partner was hogging all of the warm water? Did your mom come home while the two of you were in the shower? Did you fall down and have to get 7 stitches on your left knee? Wait. No. Why would you remember that? That was me.

Anyway, despite this disastrous encounter with shower sex, I still maintain that it is fun. And yet, living on campus, it seems almost unattainable due to a potential lack of privacy, cleanliness, the proper partner, etc. But don’t worry, it is certainly possible to get away with this sneaky, playful, and adventurous sex act on campus. Here’s how:

Step one: Find someone who wants to have sex with you.

Bonus points if they are someone you feel extremely comfortable around. Showering together is intimate, raw, and definitely a little awkward/fumbly/silly the first time you do it with someone, so it’s best to choose a partner who can laugh with you.

Step two: Pick an appropriate shower.

Appropriate showers include:

The single-use, gender-neutral bathrooms that many dorms have. They have showers, and, more importantly, doors that lock (!!!). 

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These showers are as good as it gets for college shower sex in terms of privacy and comfort. Also, you could definitely get pretty sexually imaginative with the benches in them.

Iffy but doable showers include:

Any hallway-style bathroom with multiple shower stalls, such as those in Andrews, Keeney, Miller, Metcalf, Slater, Hope, most of the dorms on Wriston, etc.

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Sextion: What the hell does your sex dream mean?

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Hey guys,

Consumed by all of the hustle and bustle of midterms, it’s a wonder you’re getting any sleep at all—let alone sleeping long enough to have sex dreams! But, if you’re like me, you’re having them anyway! So let’s decode those sex dreams, Brunonia.

Dreaming of… sex with an ex:

You’re almost certainly just sorting through some old unresolved feelings. Give it some reflection and move on with your life (and in your sex dreams).

“But Demiiiiii, it was really good dream-sex and I think I maybe want to get back together with them.”

Just don’t. It never works out. You broke up for a good reason!
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Dreaming of… cheating on your significant other in the SciLi 00 decibels area:

If you’ve been dreaming of cheating, not only are you feeling unsatisfied with you and your S.O.’s sex life, but you are also quite confident in your ability to have sex completely unnoticed in a (fairly quiet) public place. I say combine these two in real life and make it a win-win?

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Sextion: Froshies in the friendzone

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Hey, Brunonia! This is Demisexual Lovato, your new Sextion writer. If you are puzzled or confused by my pseudonym, allow me to explain: demisexuals are folks who don’t feel sexually attracted to other people unless they’ve gotten to know them on an emotional or romantic level. Essentially– I’m all about the feels. But have no fear! I’ll still be talking about hooking up, romance, and everything in between during my tenure as Blog’s Sextion columnist.

It’s September 5th, 2015. 1,600-ish nervous freshmen (including me!) are moving into their dorms.

Many are looking for love and almost all are looking for friendship. Somewhere between these two goals lies the issue: the friendzone. At a time when most of us are rushing to make friends and meet as many new people as possible, it’s so easy in this chaos to mistake kindness for romantic interest or to brush off someone’s subtle flirtations as, “Oh, they are just a really nice person.” Whether you are looking for close friendship, a serious relationship, a friend with benefits, casual dating, random hookups, a study buddy, a crazed sex monster, or nothing at all along the lines of human attachment, you have probably already experienced the feelings of uncertainty and confusion that accompany this new and foreign territory.

The most perplexing person you’ve met thus far is your new (and, might I add, devilishly attractive) best friend in whom you can’t help but find yourself interested. Do they like you back? Are you willing to risk your amazing new friendship to find out?

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