Sextion: The spring fever hookup guide

SWFIELDGUIDE

BlogDailyHerald is proud to introduce our newest Sextion writer, David Johnson!

The season of the Polar Vortex was all about cuddling, sipping hot cocoa, binge watching “House of Cards” with your significant other, and basically using their body heat to save on your gas bill. Now that it’s getting warmer, the birds and the bees are back, frisky squirrels are chasing each other around the Main Green, and breakups are a dime a dozen (I’m looking at you, Senior Scramblers). In the animal kingdom, we call this mating season. In college, we call it Spring Fever.

Luckily, Spring Weekend is just around the corner — the perfect opportunity for curing our Spring Fever. Now that walking to a party across campus doesn’t feel like March of the Penguins, the tanks are breaking out, and maybe even some shorts. Everyone’s attitude says sun’s-out-gun’s-out, so if you are interested in getting busy romantic, this weekend is all about letting loose and having fun. It’s a great time to break the ice with someone new — maybe even someone you’ve been secretly crushing on. When the options range from Chance to Binder to Fratty in the Ratty, how do you know where your perfect guy/girl will be raging? Use this field guide to find out.

The Hipster Heartbreaker

Found at: Chance the Rapper

The Hipster Heartbreaker is that DGAF kid that you have been crushing on forever. Probably more “Prepster” than a true RISD Hipster, you first saw them while stalking your class Facebook page the summer before arriving at Brown, and since then, they have proved to be even cooler than you imagined. The Hipster Heartbreaker is trendy and intelligent, probably concentrating in MCM or Comp Lit, and has a Georgia O’Keeffe coffee table book in the living room of their Barbour suite. Despite your better judgment, you can’t help crushing on them. They have gone through numerous partners over the years because no one can seem to keep up with them. But you’re sure that you can.

How to spot: The Hipster Heartbreaker is wearing an awesome Spring Weekend tank that you totally didn’t see when you were choosing which one to buy. They have that casually perfect “I woke up like dis” look, making you wonder, “did you wake up like that?? And why the heck can’t I?!” The Hipster Heartbreaker is either wearing a knit beanie or has hat hair (the sexy, pushed back kind) because they just took it off.

How to break the ice:

  • Stand next to them and say loudly: “I mean, my cousin went to high school with Chance the Rapper in Chicago so like… I’ve basically known about him since 2011.”

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