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College Hill (W)rap

By: Jesse Hartheimer / May 6, 2013 / No Comments /

Summer is around the corner. And if you are like me and plan on staying here in Providence, then you are probably thinking to yourself, “Where the devil am I going to eat?” or “Do locals take over Thayer?” Two valid questions, but here I only address the former… in rap form:

Antonio’s Pizza is way too cheesy,

And Harry’s burgers leave me queesy,

I need a nice slice of Heaven,

Gourmet foods 24/7.

–

Johnny rockets towards me, “Did you hear the news?

Kim’s mom is having a Korean BBQ!”

But I got one thing on my ravenous mind,

The paragon of hot sandwiches redesigned:

Let me get Mike’s Calzone,

Don’t like my pizza in a cone.

–

But I must postpone, Loui’s brunch has got me tweeting,

“Hey @Bob @NCurry on which street are we meeting?”

Later, text my lady friend “Dinner date?”

But depressed Andrea’s in a blue state;

No spice in her life, no buzz in her socket,

Perhaps she wants a reach into my east side pocket?

–

Just shaved my fro, yo—my fashion’s on lock,

I purchase steel-toe boots to get that iron walk.

Shades plus red-striped, shark-skin pantaloons,

In ABP or BBC, I’m looking like a straight goon.

So ban me (if you please) from this collegiate hill,

I’ll take a drive through Pawtucket for some Garden Grille.

How many references did you count? Tell us below…

BLINGO: Brown lingo fresh from BlogDailyHerald

By: Jesse Hartheimer / March 15, 2013 / 1 Comment /

We Brunonians are already well-versed in the stale slang of our generation. (How many more times can you bear hearing the word swag?) However, just because we go to Brown and use such words, that does not make these words Brown slang. Luckily for you, we’ve taken some Brown-specific words and adapted them for novel uses. Here are a handful of words from the Brown lexicon that we have refashioned to suit your needs:

brown EZ (adj): Indiscriminately sexually active; usually DTF.

“I barely told her my name before I realized her tongue was in my mouth. I’d say she’s brown EZ.”

brown secure (adj): Selectively sexually active; not (immediately) DTF.

“We were DFMOing and he seemed like he was into it, but, after a long night of sleep—just sleep—I realized he was brown secure… or blackout.”

wicky (adj): Of or relating to the hipster / artsy / foodie culture on and surrounding Wickenden Street

“You are an arrogant asshole for refusing this coffee. I’m sorry it’s not the wicky shit your dad’s Hedge fund pays for.” Continue Reading

Coughing up a Leung: 10 quiet room incidents you may never come back from

By: Sydney Mondry and Jesse Hartheimer / March 5, 2013 / 3 Comments /

There’s an unspoken rule here at Brown: The Leung Gallery is a quiet room. The mod space, located above the beloved Blue Room, has no indication of a lowered decibel but has for some reason become a sanctioned study area, known for its wonderfully high ceilings, stylish interior and silence. Those who dare to pass through too loudly are given the stink eye by the students ~~Facebooking~~ hard at work. Woe be the poor soul whose stomach growls uncontrollably, who types too forcefully or who scrapes their chair on the ground upon shifting positions. Depending on the time of day, it can feel more like a stuffy country club than a cozy study space. Leung scholars are relentless when it comes to volume control (…okay, fine, we’re guilty of this too). The two of us having almost officially moved into the gallery – or the “upstairs Blue Room,” as it has been nicknamed by those who can’t pronounce Leung (again, guilty!) – we have compiled a list of scarring quiet room incidents that may deter you from ever returning to the sacred space. We’ve also included assorted faces of Kristen Wiig to better illustrate the facial expressions typically made by those who commit the various Leung faux pas:

Psych, Jokes, & Rock ‘n’ Roll: Unpacking the success of Tinder

By: Jesse Hartheimer / February 22, 2013 / No Comments /

Tinder? I barely know her. If you have not yet downloaded the app, you’ve probably seen its (omnipresent) ads. Perhaps you’ve even seen how two of our writers have enjoyed their own Tinder experiences. This remarkably addictive smartphone application has seen a meteoric spike in popularity on campuses all over the nation. Why? Before answering this question, you should first have a basic understanding of how Tinder works.

Now let us unpack the main components of Tinder’s success: Continue Reading

5 Princeton Review rankings that Brown should have made

By: Jesse Hartheimer / February 6, 2012 / 2 Comments /

For a high school student, The Princeton Review is the Bible for all things collegiate; for a college student, perhaps less so. How does Brown ~~compete with~~ compare to other colleges this year? Happiest students? Brown gets bronze. Best newspaper? Honorable mention. Quality of Life? Número 11. However, upon closer inspection, it seems that there are several rankings from which Brown has mysteriously disappeared. Here are a few of them:

Most Liberal Students. You don’t see any elephants walking around campus, just quite a few asses.
Most LGBT-Friendly. Excuse me, Princeton Review, but I believe you are missing a ‘Q’ in there (and maybe some other letters). Do you even remember last year’s Waterman riots?
Least Religious Students. “I’m spiritual but not religious.”
Reefer Madness. 4/20 on the Main Green reeference.
Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians. Wait, you’re telling me that Brown is not on this list? Don’t worry man, it’s chill.

Who made you God, Princeton Review? Do you even believe in him (or capital H-i-m)? “Him,” oh how heteronormative.

Image via.

Thanksgiving Me a Headache: 5 Ways to Stomach Your (Dysfunctional) Family This Week

By: Jesse Hartheimer / November 23, 2011 / No Comments /

Does Aunt Nancy roast grill you for going to an Ivy? Does Uncle Bob dessert assert that studying philosophy is waste of time? Does cousin Andrew chug bug you constantly? If so, you are probably my brother there are many measures you can take to make your Turkey-time-off more enjoyable. Just swallow follow these 5 easy rules:

Get out of the house. Hang out and chew the fat with pie high school friends, visit once-loved spots around the neighborhood, or toss around the old pigskin with some buddies.
Bring friends over. It will improve the manners of your relatives and give them a different person to harass.
Spend quality time with siblings. If you don’t see your siblings too often, Thanksgiving is a great time to reconnect with them. See a movie, go on a walk or get hammered with them (if sage age-appropriate).
Play family games. Charades, catch phrase, Jenga—you name it! It’s something to do besides argue. Brownie points for games of the drinking variety.
Eat, eat, eat! This is not Ratty Turkey we’re talking about—this is real food, seasoned with motherly love and fatherly disapproval.

If these tips aren’t working out, perhaps it’s time to look into winter breaks away from home.