The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella
We all know this girl. She has on a very cute outfit. A patterned romper, maybe, or a bra reimagined as a crop top. Her makeup is on fleek, and her winged eyeliner almost hides the fact that her eyes are those of a dead person. She is on Molly that her BFF shipped her from San Diego, and she is absolutely vibing to the music, dancing to the wrong beat. Her friends have lost her, and she is making out with one of her boyfriends. Once her friends find her, they will probably try to take her home, but she will resist and run away from them. After scarfing down pizza at 5pm and falling asleep with all of her makeup on, she will not make it to the afterparty that night.
A friend of The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella, this girl is pissed. She has taken two shots before she entered the Main Green, and she is already sobering up. You will find this girl standing on the peripheries of the crowd, profusely texting her group chat or yelling at someone on the phone. She refuses to skip the bathroom line and has been waiting in it for twenty minutes while attempting to stabilize her drunk friend. She is having SO.MUCH.FUN.—she promises.
The Dude Who Hates This Scene And Is Only Here To Appreciate The Music
This dude knew Whitney before they were relevant, and will tell this to anyone who will listen. He is interchangeably ripping his dab and vape pens and is clearly chill as fuck. He can’t wait to go home after this to play the guitar, write shitty poetry, and cry.
The Frat Boy(s)
They will be traveling in a pack, wearing khaki shorts. They will say they fucking love DRAM but have yet to realize that DRAM has sung songs other than “Broccoli.” Otherwise, they are pretty confused about the lineup this year. Why couldn’t we have gotten Migos, dude?
The Gross Couple
This couple thinks Whitney’s music is so romantic. “Dave’s Song” just completely encapsulates their feelings for each other and they will therefore be making out throughout the entirety of the concert and will have a quiet night in while their friends are at the club. Wait, is he straight up grabbing her ass right now? I can’t.
The People Who Definitely Just Met But Are Grosser Than The Gross Couple
Like, I get that the middle of a crowd is the most romantic place to examine the inside of each others mouths, but can we try to keep it PG over here?
The Injured Bitch
This bitch got her foot run over by the Uber she took over from Pembroke and will show everyone her disgusting bruise and cuts because #attention. She will later ask a random boy to put her on his shoulders. He will proceed to drop her on the ground, giving her a concussion. She will spend the second day of Spring Weekend in Health Services.
Your Mean Friend On Coke
This girl yelled at a cop and almost got her entire squad kicked out of the concert. She is bitching at her friends, one of whom is crying. After about an hour, she will make her friends leave early because the comedown is freaking her out. When she gets home, she will punch a wall, cry, fix her makeup, and get ready to go out again for the night.
The Angry Security Guard
After nearly kicking out Your Mean Friend On Coke, The Angry Security Guard has decided that he fucking hates teenagers and is considering dropping everything and moving to Peru. Tragically, he will end his day with throw up on his shoes.
The Dude Who Is Overly Committed To Spring Weekend
This kid buried a bottle of vodka on the Main Green last week and is currently trying to dig it up. He made sure to get his Molly tested weeks ago and has listened to no other music than that of the Spring Weekend acts all month.