Are English words devoid of all meaning? Has coffee lost its allure? Do y’all just straight up hate me? These are the questions that haunt my sleep as I think of all the times someone has told me, “Let’s get coffee!” and I reply with an enthusiastic, “Yeah, just text me!” In that moment, I am this puppy.
The thing is, you never actually text me. I know when that hotline bling, that can only mean it’s my mom checking in with me about my protein intake, and not you asking me what day we are getting coffee. Congratulations, you’ve shattered my already fragile heart, yet again.
The promise of coffee, food, and stimulating conversation evaporates into the nothingness that envelops us all. Here’s what your false promises are doing to me:
First of, I am in love with coffee. All coffee is good coffee. Yes, even decaf (suck it, coffee purists at The Underground). I am also in love with the idea of getting coffee. I imagine Simon and Garfunkel playing in the background of the coffee shop. Perhaps I am wearing a turtleneck, reading Simone De Beauvoir (but most likely taking a Buzzfeed quiz) while I wait for you to arrive, and bask in the presence of beautiful people with their beautiful art-latted lattes.
However, I guess you take “We should get coffee!” to mean a very, very distant hypothetical, one that could probably only be realized once we’re both 80 and have nothing left to live for.
You have made a disillusioned, bitter millennial out of me.
Please also understand that though I may be extremely busy that day, I will always make time for a little coffee break. I will also be the conversation partner you always dreamed of. We can talk about anything, really! How stressed you are, how many emails you have to write, how great your costume was this year, etc. Are you worried that I’ll ramble on too much? That’s a valid concern, yes, but… I can change! Let me show you that I can change!
Granted, maybe I should be the one taking the initiative to get coffee with someone. Oh, have I taken the initiative.
I’ve resorted to Facebook, Whatsapp, text, Spotify messages, you name it. Next up, sky-writing. I guess I am just destined to live a life of lonely coffee outings spent staring longingly out the window, wondering what I did to deserve this, until I get hungry and have to get up to buy an apple cider donut or three.
And now, having said all of this, I’ll just sit here and wait for the FB messages asking me that we should “Definitely, totally get coffee for sure this week!” to start rolling in.
Let the deception continue.