A Single’s Guide To Valentine’s Week

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Another year, another twelve months of emotionally detached partners and terrible dates and random makeouts in public parks at 1 a.m. because your roommates won’t let you bring in strangers you met on Grindr anymore.

Now, the big 14th day of the shortest month of year is approaching, and CVS is one big clusterfuck of pink and red and bears and chocolates. I’m perfectly bitter fine with being single on Valentine’s Day! If you are, welcome to the club! If you’re in a relationship, think about whether you want to marry the person you’re with because we’re at an age where that is highly plausible (like raising kids and attending funerals with them type of commitment)!

V-Day can be pretty depressing for us single phes. Here’s a guide to avoid that this week.

Get off the grid.

I’m not talking about going to the extremes like cutting up your credit cards and moving to a rural town in Wisconsin without cellular service. Just turn off Facebook for a week so you won’t have to see posts gushing about how someone can’t believe they’ve found The One in a sea of 6,000 undergraduates! What a selection pool!

Delete Instagram. You don’t need to know that a couple has chosen to stay in and watch Netflix as their Valentine’s Day date because you’re already doing that! But, alone!

I recommend keeping Venmo to see which couples go dutch on their dates and then start a betting pool with your single friends to see how long they’ll last. Then post your winnings on Venmo.

Take a day trip on your own!

You don’t have to go to New York or Boston. It can be as simple as a walk up Hope Street!

I suggest stopping by Seven Stars Bakery and reading television writer Kristin Newman’s book “What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding.” A single thirtysomething, Newman traveled the world during TV hiatuses and hooked up with Russian bartenders and Latin priests.

Take time and explore another city–or Providence for that matter–without having to bother holding someone’s sweaty hands in this ridiculous and never ending cold weather.

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When We Were Young: AOL Instant Messenger

Remember that sound? It was the signal that you were oh so close to chatting with your friends before text messages and Snapchats existed. Topics of conversation included *NSYNC, Avril Lavigne, and Neopets. Once in the fifth grade, I coordinated a phone call with (mostly) everyone in my class made up of strings of three-way phone calls while also chatting on AIM. This was long before GroupMe was even a thing. I know, I was ahead of my time.

Before clerical Gmail addresses existed, AIM usernames were a way to mark your pre-teen personality and talk to your friends and SmarterChild.

BlogDH is embarrassing ourselves throwing it back by sharing our AIM usernames with you all.

It’s All About the Digits

Carolyn Rachofsky – razzles29495

Carolyn, along with Jenna Rink from 13 Going on 30, is a fan of Razzles, the candy that turns into gum and colors your tongue. Carolyn’s determination hasn’t wavered since she was young, and she made sure she chose a five-digit number harder than an ATM PIN code  in order to make her username available.

Danielle Perelman – dramaqueen52095

Unlike Carolyn’s numerical AIM username, Danielle may never be able to forget hers because she was smart enough to use her full birthday. Be sure to wish her a theatrical “Happy Birthday” on May 20th!

Georgia Tollin – duckyt29

Nickname + Initial + Random Number = AIM Gold. Georgia hates odd numbers, so the reasoning behind 29 remains a mystery.

Hank Winton – rocknrolla14

Young Hank quickly found out that he had a community of fellow rock and roll fans behind him when he had to type the numbers 1-13 before the “14” made his username available.

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What was I singing?! Eiffel 65’s Blue (Da Ba Dee)

Ever wonder if songs you were singing at a young age were completely age-inappropriate? They were! This column is a trip down memory lane that will have you asking, “Why was I singing this at such a young age? What do these lyrics even mean? Where were my parents?!” 

No, but really, what was this song?

It’s fun to imagine party goers at Brown in the late 90s going crazy when this one song came on the speaker — or whatever they used back then to blast music through the halls of Keeney.

This mostly unintelligible song was released in 1998, and I remember it was on my copy of Now That’s What I Call Music 4. Other tracks included Macy Gray’s “I Try,” Blink 182’s “All the Small Things,” and Jennifer Lopez’s “Waiting for Tonight.” What a playlist.

Below is an attempt at interpreting the song, though it will forever remain a puzzle.

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What was I singing? Avril Lavigne’s “I’m With You”

Ever wonder if songs you were singing at a young age were completely age-inappropriate? They were! This column will be a trip down memory lane that will have you asking, “Why was I singing this at such a young age? What do these lyrics even mean? Where were my parents?!” 

Flashback to November 2002. Avril Lavigne was taking the music of teenage angst by storm with the release of her album Let Go, which included singles “Complicated” and “Sk8ter Boi.”

This album also contained the treasure that is “I’m With You,” which I had always assumed was a romantic song. Goodness, I was wrong. Shall we dissect these lyrics?

I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now

First off, is she okay? This seems extremely dangerous. Is she running away from home? Is this a romantic gesture like in Sex in the City when Miranda plans to meet Steve if they decide to forgive and forget? TL;DR: she’s waiting at night, so I’m worried for her safety.

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Approval Matrix: #SeniorYear Edition

Senior Matrix

Class of 2015, this is our year.

In a few months, we’ll be saying goodbye to Brown, and saying hello to whatever the hell is coming next. Can you sense my anxiety? Good.

If the speed at which the past three years flew by is any indication, the proceeding months will go by even faster. Senior year is a hodgepodge of emotions (excitement, anxiety, nostalgia), planning (jobs, grad school, someone please tell me), and making the most of our time left (Senior Nights, Senior Bucket List, the GCB). Here you’ll find an approval matrix for senior year activities of all sorts.

Strive for the commendable and exciting adventures, or hit all of the questionable and daunting activitiesyour senior year is in your hands. Good luck!

Image via Jokichi Matsubara ’18.


Facebook Profile Picture Roundup

 

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You caught me; I am 100% guilty of obsessing about my Facebook profile picture to a point that it might be unhealthy. I had my last prof pic for a little over a year because I couldn’t find something to top it, but then I did, and now I’m happy. Leave me be, I’m a millennial, just living my truth!

While contemplating new options, I compiled some of the most popular profile picture options to date:

1. I LOVE BROWN!

You on the Main Green, Faunce gleaming behind you. You next to/climbing Bruno. You in front of the Van Wickle Gates. You at Spring Weekend. You with a University administrator (I miss you, Ruth). You want to show the world how much you love your school, and with good reason. Brown’s a pretty awesome place and is pretty damn photogenic (especially in the fall).

2. #ibeendranking

Definitely blurry and definitely dark. Lights streak across your picture. It’s all a little pixelated. There are way too many people in the photo. Your tongue is sticking out, and you’re standing with a red solo cup in hand.  You’re in a basement of sorts, and there are dark rings of sweat on your clothing. Oh, so sexy.

This is college, right? Can’t stop, won’t stop.

3. Studying Abroad

What beautiful sites there are outside of Brown! You can’t wait to show off your new life as a worldly traveler at Oktoberfest, on a Scottish hillside, or right out side of Big Ben. What?! You’re learning to make real pasta in Florence, Italy?! Definitely profile picture material.

4. #tbt

Either you were adorably cute or adorably ugly as a child. No matter what, it’s endearing to see a younger version of yourself or to breathe a sigh of relief that time did you well. These are even better if you can find old Polaroids. Oh, to be so lucky and hip!

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