We rewrote Bound 2 in honor of Jesse Watters

Jesse and us

Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.

Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.

O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!

Between drinking games and hard-hitting interviews, BlogDH had almost exhausted our arsenal of potential responses to this guy’s creepy, childish shit. Key word: almost. One thing we hadn’t done is rewrite an infamous Kanye West song to make it applicable to our perverse, long distance love affair with Jesse Watters (a la Seth Rogen and James Franco).

Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.

Jesse, baby, we hope you like it:

Bound 2 (Be on FOX News)

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

 

All the other schools lame and you know it now

When a real school parties, you supposed to frown

 

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

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John Hay seems like a stereotypical Brown student

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Last night, Brown hosted “John Hay Night,” a celebration of the life and scholarship of one of its most famous alumni. The event showcased the impressive set of resources that the university has collected about Hay, who served as a diplomat for three U.S. presidents. Professor Michael Vorenberg introduced separate talks by John Taliaferro, author of All the Great Prizes: The Life of John Hay, from Lincoln to Roosevelt, and Joshua Zeitz AM’98 PhD’02, author of Lincoln’s Boys: John Hay, John Nicolay, and the War for Lincoln’s Image. Taliaferro’s book is the first biography of Hay in over 80 years, and Zeitz’s work puts a new spin on a portion of Hay’s life that is often overlooked. As he puts it, Lincoln buffs know little about the Roosevelt-era Hay, and vice versa.

John Hay, the man for whom the beautiful, renovated library you’re too lazy to set foot in is named, has a résumé that would make our template blush. He spent almost 60 years in public life, from his time as Abraham Lincoln’s personal secretary—see, not everyone goes into finance or consulting—to his death while serving as Secretary of State under Theodore Roosevelt. He was instrumental in key moments in U.S. history like the forging of the Open Door policy with China and the construction of the Panama Canal. Along with John Nicolay, the second of “Lincoln’s Boys,” he wrote a truly massive biography of the late President that brought to light many of the qualities that we now take for granted when we think about Honest Abe. He even ghost-wrote the famous Bixby letter, which you might know as that voice-over that makes you cry at the end of Saving Private Ryan.

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Imagine 250+: Ra Ra Brunonia: Brown Stadium

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Today, students and alumni alike will make the seemingly transcontinental trek up Elmgrove Avenue — clearly a made up place — to watch our beloved Brown Bears take on the Harvard Winklevi in a rousing match of hand-egg (see below and take note).

At the tailgates, middle-aged men (and women! and phes!), sipping on their b-o-u-r-b-o-n, will be far drunker than is socially acceptable, and undergrads will leave behind an aluminum mess to rival that of the People’s Climate March. At game time, however, they will all pile into what is probably only the second biggest pure concrete structure on campus to watch some good ole’ fashioned American Football.

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But what about that large-ish — seriously, the Scili puts everything in perspective — concrete structure we’re standing in during our beat-down of the Excellent Sheep from Cambridge? Brown Stadium, which no alum has paid to name after him/herself (yet), has an impressive history to it.

According to Encyclopedia Brunoniana, the stadium opened in its current location in 1925 and can actually fit up to 27,646 people. We were so excited about our new digs that in the stadium’s opening year, we decided everyone would have to come to us to play. We’re not lazy; we promise!

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Brown students flood New York for People’s Climate March

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Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of people gathered in New York to demand that the United Nations, whose General Assembly is meeting this week, take action to stop climate change. Among the throngs of activists, faith groups, front-line community members, and students was a large crowd of Brown students, myself included. Over 150 students traveled to New York through 350.org’s official buses alone, so it’s likely that the grand total of members of the Brown community who were present is much higher.

Though some traveled to New York on Saturday to attend a very engaging Youth Convergence conference at a Manhattan high school, the main event began Sunday at 10:30 AM, when the Rhode Island contingent, including U.S. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, convened at 71st street and Central Park West. At first, there was very little marching to be done. With over 310,000 400,000 (!!) people clogging up about a mile and a half of a New York City avenue, it took a while for there to be any empty space available for one to move into. The waiting did, however, provide ample time for judging the very creative costumes and signs near us. The clear winner was an older man holding a poster that read, “I couldn’t buy a politician, so I bought this sign.” He got a picture with Senator Whitehouse.

Anything to protest in front of a Trump property.

Anything to protest in front of a Trump property.

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BREAKING: Sex Power God cancelled

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According to a post on Bluestockings, Brown’s Queer Alliance has decided to cancel this year’s edition of Sex Power God. The Queer Alliance Coordinating Committee stated in the release that “SPG no longer serves its intended purpose,” which was “to affirm queer/LGBTQ+ students who feel excluded or shamed by hetero-patriarchal norms by creating a space in honor of them.” Instead, the party has become the sensationalized subject of FOX News segments and unfriendly BDH opinions columns. In addition, according to the QA’s statement, SPG was not the safe space it was meant to be last year:

Although attendees signed contracts promising to seek active consent at SPG, in spite of this students disregarded the policy during the 2013 SPG. Sexual violence goes against every aim of the Queer Alliance. When attendees violated the space, SPG was no longer safe, positive, or inclusive, despite the careful intentionality of the planners. It has been a violent space. We cannot in good conscience continue perpetuating such a space. If we decided to continue to host SPG, it would mean that Brown students decided that a party was more important than the safety and bodily autonomy of their peers.

Though it is possible that Sex Power God will be reinstated in future years, the 2014 iteration is off. Check back here for more details on this developing story.

Image via.


Amuse-Bouche: Yan’s Cuisine

There’s always a sense of anticipation surrounding an empty storefront on College Hill. Sure, we might long for the days when an incredibly useful convenience store occupied the corner of Thayer and Euclid — take the hint, local entrepreneurs — but coupled with that desolation is hope for the future: someday, some new business is coming in there. Eventually.

Brunonians who frequent the eastern end of campus had become used to this feeling while staring at the façade that once was Iron Wok. Luckily, Yan’s Cuisine, a Chinese restaurant reminiscent of its predecessor, opened up a few weeks ago in the once-abandoned storefront on the corner of Brook and Benevolent. The newcomer offers a surprisingly diverse set of options. You can go for dishes typical of Americanized Chinese fare (General Tso’s chicken, steamed pork dumplings, egg rolls, etc.), or you can be brave and try one of an impressive selection of less popular items, like “House Special Neck Bone” and “Lion’s Head Meat Ball.” (Ed. – We’re taking submissions for artistic renderings of the latter dish).

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