Top 10 Worst Adam Sandler Movies

Embarking on this project may have been the toughest challenge of my life. I did not intend to subject myself to over 20 hours of Adam Sandler this week, but here we are. I want to preface this by saying that I like a lot of Adam Sandler movies. I do. The issue is that with every good Adam Sandler movie, there are two bad ones. This difficult task gave me many options, and whittling the list down to just ten took a lot of determination, courage, nightmares about Rob Schneider, and alcohol. Please bear with me as I reveal the definitive list of the ten worst Adam Sandler movies:

10) Just Go with It (2011)

The one where Adam Sandler tells Jennifer Aniston to pretend to be his wife so that he can hookup with a supermodel. Sexism and fat shaming are a-plenty in this fun film for the whole family!

9) The Do-Over (2016)

This Adam Sandler/David Spade action movie you never knew you needed — whereupon after watching it, you realize that you do not, in fact, need it. This movie is so unnecessarily complicated that David Spade discovering the cure for cancer, is like, the sixth most significant thing that happens.

8) You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Really outrageous movie. In it, Sandler attempts to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict while simultaneously “making sticky” with dozens of old women who come into his barbershop. Despite its stupidity, I have to give Sandler some credit for trying to break his typical character mold with this suave assassin-turned-barber.

7) Pixels (2015)

Adam Sandler is unlikeable in most of his movies because he’s racist, homophobic, sexist, etc., but, in this one, his character is just unlikeable because he’s a passionless schlub with nothing endearing about him. Sandler seems to know how unfunny his one-liners are before even saying them. With an undeveloped female character and rampant misogyny, we are also fortunate enough to see a typical Sandler love story. Plus, we get one of the worst casting decisions of all time with Kevin James as the President of the United States… I guess that isn’t as ridiculous of a statement anymore, but the point still remains.

6) Grown Ups 1 and 2 (2010/2013)

Neither one of the Grown Ups “movies” is anything more than a paid vacation for Adam Sandler and his cronies. There was a certain point during the first Grown Ups — probably right in between Kevin James pissing himself in a pool full of children and a 50-year-old David Spade hooking up with Rob Schneider’s daughter  — where I wondered if Adam Sandler was intentionally toying with us. Afterall, getting audiences to pay for not one, but two movies with no actual script, and just a series of scenes where five assholes prank each other, deserves some credit I suppose. The only plot point in both movies is Kevin James’ attempt to do a perfect “Burp Snart” (which is, if you didn’t know, burping, sneezing, and farting all at once).

5) The Cobbler (2014)

Once I finished this movie, I stared blankly at my reflection in my computer. I had to make sure I didn’t age 100 years, because I’m damn certain that’s how I felt after watching this 92-minute snooze fest. This movie’s cool premise about a cobbler who can transform his body into whomever’s shoes he is wearing makes it sound like a fun comedy — but this, folks, was a heavy-hitting drama. Sandler’s work here, while understated, is painfully unenjoyable, and Steve Buscemi’s attempt at a career-defining dramatic turn fails miserably.

4) Jack and Jill (2011)

At this point, we’ve covered that Adam Sandler’s characters are pretty much just the same misogynistic womanizer over and over again. But this movie introduces a completely new Sandler creation: Jill, otherwise known as the worst film character in the history of modern cinema, played by Sandler himself. She is terribly loud, amazingly obnoxious, and has cringe-worthy incestuous feelings toward her brother. Instead, though, she finds love with Al Pacino (yes, that Al Pacino, the only Al Pacino). Jill’s gruesome trip to a Mexican restaurant and ensuing trip to the bathroom is something that will haunt me forever.

3) That’s My Boy (2012)

That’s My Boy — Sandler’s foray into R-rated territory — begins with Susan Sarandon committing statutory rape with a 13-year-old Adam Sandler, and ends with the discovery that Blair Waldorf is having an affair with her younger brother. In between those two events is probably the most revolting movie I have ever watched, only saved from the bottom of this list by a couple of genuine laughs courtesy of Will Forte.   

2) I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007)

A masterclass in homophobia disguised as something progressive, Chuck and Larry is filled with an inexcusable amount of slurring and stereotyping. The plot revolves around two straight men (a point that they repeatedly make very clear), Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who get married for … tax reasons? Honestly, I’m still not sure. I was mostly still trying to get the image of Kevin James playing with a sex doll in front of his seven-year-old daughter out of my head. The awfulness of this movie, though, can be summed up in one scene: after being released from a hospital, Adam Sandler is greeted by five Hooters’ waitresses. He then asks them, “Who wants to rub my ass bump?” — and they all jump at the opportunity.

1) The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

After about fifteen minutes — and already two instances of a horse with diarrhea — I realized that I had officially succeeded in my quest to find the worst Adam Sandler movie. After reading that Native Americans walked off the set due to blatant racism, I had low expectations — which it still failed to meet. First off, Adam Sandler plays a shape-shifting (!) cowboy, a point that is never explained. He and his five half-brothers — Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, and Luke Wilson – are all horrible people who do not deserve the happiness they find. Other qualms: Taylor Lautner’s performance probably puts to rest the Edward-Jacob debate, Blake Shelton keeps looking at the camera, Rob Schneider is in it, and Vanilla Ice’s depiction of Mark Twain is despicable. Wait, let me repeat that: Vanilla Ice plays Mark f*cking Twain.With Sandler signed on to continue adding to his slew of Netflix installments, I truly hope that I will never see anything as bad as this again.

 


Top 10 Bachelor Seasons

        On Monday nights, millions of fans tune in to watch desperate men and women attempt to find love on national TV. I am referring to ABC’s “The Bachelor/ette”, a reality dating show filled with tears, roses, Chris Harrison, and, of course, love. With the recent announcement of Colton Underwood as the next Bachelor, I thought that it would be a good time to go back and rank the top ten seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Factors that I considered included the hilarity of the contestants, the travel destinations, the romance, the personality of the lead, and, most importantly, the amount of drama. One final note – whether or not the winning couples are still together did not impact the rankings! Without further ado, I will hand out my ten roses:

10) The Bachelorette Season 14: Becca Kufrin

This season started off relatively strong after Lincoln fell in love with a picture, Jean Blanc pretended to fall in love with Becca, and Jordan fell in love with himself. The big reason this season ranks so low, though, is because it was completely tainted once Lincoln’s criminal record and Garrett’s … questionable likes on Instagram came out.

9) The Bachelor Season 20: Ben Higgins

The man that originally declared himself “unlovable” proved to be anything but that as he immediately stole the hearts of audiences around the world. And yet, Ben enjoyed a day on the beach with Amanda Stanton and her two daughters before promptly sending her homefor no apparent reason. More shamefully, the group traveled to Warsaw, Indiana one week after being in the Bahamas. If you’re taking the final six women to Warsaw, Indiana, that’s a huge red flag.

8) The Bachelorette Season 10: Andi Dorfman

This season boils down to one distinct moment On a group date, Andi, to my dismay, decided to rip up the results of a lie-detector test filled with incredibly personal questions in order to prove that she trusted the guys. Did I understand the sentiment? Yes. Would I have rather found out if Marcus had slept with over 30 people in his life or if Dylan showers more than three times a week? Yes.

7) The Bachelor Season 22: Arie Luyendyk Jr.

I have trouble ranking this season because, while there were a lot of hilarious moments, like Annaliese’s bumper-car trauma or the epic prank in which Arie tried to get all the contestants to drink their own pee, it also felt like the season most heavily influenced by producers. With major outcry after the boring-racecar-driver-turned-real-estate-agent was named Bachelor, producers pulled out all the stops to turn the season into a contrived masterpiece. We had some of the best travel destinations in “Bachelor” history (Paris, Tuscany, and Machu Picchu, oh my!), one of the most over-the-top villains in “Bachelor” history in Krystal, and, of course, the most intimately filmed breakup in “Bachelor” history.

6) The Bachelor Season 18: Juan Pablo Galavis

Juan Pablo may have been human garbage, but I am looking at more than that to determine my rankings. For as bad a person as Juan Pablo was, his awfulness led to the closest “The Bachelor” franchise has come to promoting female empowerment. We had Sharleen leave to focus on her Opera career, Andi ironically telling Juan Pablo “It’s not ok” after an uncomfortable night in the Fantasy Suite, and Clare firmly standing her ground after Juan Pablo tried to sweet talk her after a rejection. This was also a noteworthy season for having the youngest contestant of all time, Cassandra – to which I wonder how old one has to be to go on the show (asking for a friend, obviously).

5) The Bachelorette Season 12: JoJo Fletcher

Some highlights: a folk singer named James Taylor with no relation to the real James Taylor, a guy named Grant who looked exactly like Handsome Squidward, a Canadian porn star telling another contestant to “be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini,” and, of course, the time that Chad ripped Erectile-Dysfunction-Specialist Evan’s new shirt. The issue with this season was that all the contestants put so much energy into hating Chad that, when he was sent home, the rest of the season felt like a let down.

4) The Bachelorette Season 9: Desiree Hartstock

“Right reasons, right reasons, we’re here for all the right reasons.” First uttered when Soulja Boy came on a group date and created a rap with all of the guys, these words have been a part of my daily lexicon ever since. This season often gets a bad rep and, honestly, I’m not sure why. Yes, there were times when Des was too dull to carry the show (dreary dates with Bryden and Brad come to mind here), but this season certainly had its moments. We had a contestant’s girlfriend from home show up, and a father tweezing his son’s nose hairs during a hometown date (this guy somehow won.)

3) The Bachelor Season 19: Chris Soules

Known to the public as “Prince Farming,” Chris Soule was the star in a pretty fun season of “The Bachelor.” It started off with a bang after Kaitlyn told Prince Farming that he could plow her field anytime he wanted, and only got better as Ashley S. slowly but surely started her love affair with a pomegranate. The top moment of the season, though, must be the outrageously awkward two-on-one date between Kelsey Poe and Ashley I, in which the longest period of silence in “Bachelor” history was recorded. Both ended up getting sent home, and Prince Farming flew away in a helicopter while the women were left stranded on a mountain in South Dakota. This season only loses points due to the letdown finale and for repeatedly traveling from forgettable Midwest state to forgettable Midwest state.

2) The Bachelorette Season 13: Rachel Lindsay

The verbal assaults traded between Blake E and Lucas “Whaboom!” Yancey outside the Bachelor Mansion comprised the most hilarious moment in “Bachelor” history. Period. I can’t do it justice , but all I’ll say is that one of the many points of contention between two grown men regarded whether saying the word “Whaboom” or “honk honk fart joke” would make one a better comedian. Moving on, this was a great season because of how easily Rachel was able to cut through the dead-weight – she didn’t listen to DeMario’s garbage after finding out he had a girlfriend, sent home childhood friend Fred after saying that kissing him was like “kissing a little boy,” and eliminated at least one contestant before the rose ceremony every week. This season is not number one because Rachel enjoyed it when a man whose job title is “Tickle Monster” put on large, fake hands and tickled her.

1) The Bachelorette Season 11: Kaitlyn Bristowe

What started off as an odd season in which Kaitlyn and Britt had to compete to become the Bachelorette (remember that?), turned into an incredible combination of ridiculousness and drama, with an easygoing and laugh-out-loud hilarious lead. While contestants Clint and JJ were busy in the hot tub together discussing their “long snakes, ”Kaitlyn found herself in the midst of what I will deem a perfect season. We had our old friend Nick Viall show up in Week 4 and have fabled before-Fantasy Suite sex, a  man who referred to himself as “Cupcake” get broken up with on a cliff in Ireland, and a healer named Tony claim he had “the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.”. A finale between two men who truly hated one another ensured that there was never a dull moment up to the bitter end.