Tell Us Your Summer Internship and We’ll Tell You what Office Character You Are

Goldman Sachs/Anything financial

Ryan Howard

This person is a snek, the snekiest snek that ever did snek. Seriously though, they are driven and hardworking and maybe a little morally challenged, but nothing will stand in their way to financial domination and a cushy job at Goldman Sachs.

Art Museum

Pam Greely

The three words you could use to describe them are kind, and passionate, and definitely not a snake (ok maybe not three words). They care about the finer things in life, such as art, and definitely have the patience for repetitive and dull tasks like finding a child who has gotten lost for the third time in ten minutes. You are secretly jealous of their ability to find fulfillment in anything after spring semester.

Family Business

Dwight Schrute

Some call them “privileged,” but they prefer “family-oriented.” While whatever they’re doing may range from rustic (family farm) to highly suspect (definitely mafia), they commit to it fully, because family comes first to them. They’ll often talk about fun memories they had working for their family when they were younger (and maybe omit some key details about concrete boots).

Hollywood

Kelly Kapoor

The most dramatique person you’ve ever met, this total diva is  going to enjoy their time in sunny Los Angeles with the stars while you sob gently to yourself at your poor luck. You’re not sure how they managed it, but with a mixture of swagger and connections, they got an internship in Hollywood. Everything they do, they do with style

Summer Camp Counselor

Jim Halpert

Both fun-loving and caring, this person is gonna chill out and take care of a bunch of kids and engage in shenanigans all summer. Ever the reluctantly-nurturing soul, they’ve definitely carried you back to your dorm from Jo’s at 2 a.m. after one too many Screwdrivers. This summer, they’ll have the full experience — from a summer romance to pulling elaborate pranks on other cabins — and have a blast the entire time. They’ll come back with amazing stories of all the stuff they did, but they’re so genuine that you won’t feel bitter that your internship made you cry on a regular basis.

Menial unpaid internship

Andy Bernard

This person thought that going to an Ivy League school would automatically help them get a great internship; they were wrong. They’re going to spend their summer in an office that is either too hot or too cold around coworkers who will ask them about their “Ivy League Education.” They often brag about going to Brown around you, and you’re definitely sick of their shit.

No internship, no plans

Stanley Hudson

This person needs their summer to recover from the trauma that is the school year. You might call them apathetic, but they just believe in self-care. They might pick up the odd summer job, but nothing too high commitment, because they’re already broken inside.

Winner of BlogDailyHerald’s Acceptance Story Contest: Alexander Tin

We at BlogDailyHerald asked accepted students to send us their best #BrownAcceptanceStories. Alexander Tin wowed us with this heart-warming story:

 

The pact was my idea. The terms were simple: no matter what happened with respect to college decisions that week, my friends and I were not to tell each other the outcomes until our regularly scheduled Board Game Night on Friday when we were no longer preoccupied with the stress of the school week. It was ironic, then, that on Wednesday, March 28th at 8:47 PM, I found myself sending a message to the group chat breaking this very pact: “I’m going to Brown.”

I hadn’t originally intended to break the pact, even after finding out I was accepted – I was actually doing really well right up until I got home and realized I had no one to celebrate with. Funny enough, I even had the opportunity to tell my two closest friends when I riskily opened the Brown portal on my phone to check my admissions decision while sitting right next to them. Grace, Juliana, and I were seated in the back row of our high school’s auditorium, waiting for the 7 P.M. Chamber Music Concert to begin, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the darkness in the theater that obscured my face from my best friends. I’m quite certain I flushed bright pink when I logged into my account and saw the header image with the posters saying “Welcome to Brown” and “Brown ❤ You!” but I somehow managed to keep my composure for the remainder of the concert and reception, even with Grace’s mother periodically making faces at me from across the aisle. I felt oddly at peace being the only one who knew.

Clambering into the passenger’s seat of my father’s car after the concert, I still hadn’t completely processed the information, and I certainly wasn’t ready to answer questions. When I told my father that I’d been accepted to Brown, he was even more excited than I was– I guess it just hadn’t quite sunk in for me yet. My father must have seen this, and he let me be for the rest of the car ride. With my father driving, I finally had the opportunity to read the letter in full– I’d barely made it past “Congratulations” when I opened it the first time – and I nonchalantly clicked the link to view my financial aid. When I first saw the number, it was so high that I mistook it for the total cost. But  after incredulously scanning the page a few times, I realized it was the exact opposite: I had received the listed amount in scholarship aid. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recalled a publication I had read about this year being the first class receiving the Brown Promise. Brown was already one of my top choice schools, but this financial aid meant that it would also be the most affordable option for my father and me by a longshot. Shaken and elated, it was in this moment that I realized I really was going to Brown.

My friends had to be the first to know, of course. As soon as I got home, I messaged them asking for permission to break the pact –  if I really was committing, I couldn’t not tell them. I thought of Grace, my best friend, who had been accepted via Early Decision to RISD, and how this was exactly what we had naïvely (albeit somewhat jokingly) dreamt of as early as our freshman year of high school – she would go to RISD, I would go to Brown, and we would rent a cute little apartment together on College Hill and adopt a bunny named Fluffernutter and live happily ever after. Except now it might actually be more than just a silly daydream. It hit me all at once. We were going to be going to college together in the fall, and she absolutely had to know. Emotional, I sent one more message to the group.

Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate; Juliana was calling me. Unsuspecting, I answered only to hear excited yet unintelligible yelling from my friend, but then followed by words so surreal I almost didn’t believe them at first: “I’m going to Brown too!”

My two best friends and I would be going to college together. The emotions I was experiencing at this point cannot be properly explained by words. All the good memories we’d made together recently flashed through my mind – taking silly reference pictures for Grace’s art, fooling around in an elementary school playground, roaming around the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, playing together in the school band – and I thought about how many more memories we would now be able to make in the next four years, and I couldn’t contain myself. Though our call lasted only 54 seconds, I felt like I had spent ages on the phone with Juliana. I couldn’t tell you a single word I said in that blur of a minute.

When the call was over, I was so filled with euphoria that I couldn’t stand still. Overjoyed, I half-ran, half-danced around my house until I had calmed down enough to call my sisters and some other friends. The excitement, I must say, has yet to die down completely. I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life, and I can’t explain how much it means to me or how excited I am that I was given the opportunity to attend Brown University in the fall with both of my best friends close by. And I would certainly break several pacts for that.

 

Kids You’ll Meet in Your FYS

The Show-Off

Went to a private school like Phillips Exeter and won’t stop talking about it and their own supposed intelligence. Drops words like postmodernism willy-nilly just to grind  your gears. Definitely annoys the professor by being incredibly sycophantic yet supremely condescending at the same time. Hearing them talk makes you visibly wince, and they will often include some personal anecdote that’s meant to make them seem sophisticated but just makes you realize how much of a tool they are.

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Providence Weather Forecast: 4 szns, 1 week, nothing matters anymore

Monday:

Get ready to start the week off right with a 67% chance of disappointment when you don’t receive that sweet, sweet cancellation email from Russell Carey. Prepare for a misleadingly sunny day that turns into a life-threateningly cold evening. Based on data from the National Weather Institute, we’re expecting a particularly severe wave of  “shit, why didn’t I put on a coat this morning.”

 

Tuesday:

Folks, you’ll be happy to hear that you’re waking up to a winter wonderland this morning! Beautiful, sparkling snow is set to cover every inch of campus, even making the Scili look bearable (from the outside, at least). Get ready to fall back in love with Brown, even in this trying pre-finals season. We predict you’ll be able to enjoy a wondrous blanket of white for a luxurious three and a half minutes! Afterwards, experts are predicting a cruelly instantaneous transformation to grey slush (just like the rest of your dreams).

 

Wednesday:

It’s here! The one beautiful Providence day of the entire year. Sunshine, friends, and well-deserved dopamine are sure to abound. The kind of day that makes even the strictest of professors say “hey, why don’t we move this discussion outside?” When you do decide to collect some sweet vitamin D (;)), make sure to pack a picnic blanket, an ole pigskin to toss around, and a conscious acknowledgement that you are currently ignoring a crushing number of responsibilities.

 

Thursday:

Watch out this Thursday for a special treat — Providence’s famous Second Winter. This fantastic meteorological phenomenon has been proven to affect College Hill more than any other location in the nation. Dozens of studies over the decades have shown that Second Winter, commonly referred to as Freezing Your Ass Off in April for No Goddamn Reason, is exceptionally effective at convincing students to transfer schools.

 

Friday:

Get ready for an entirely pleasant day and early afternoon, with temperatures dropping suddenly in the nighttime. Effective methods of beating the cold include staying inside, wearing a heavy coat, or wearing your mini dress and going out anyway because dammit, you deserve this. It’s been a long week and you don’t party that much, but Fridays are for the girls and the weather should know that.

 

Saturday:

Looks like this is going to be a pretty average day. You’re too hungover to get outside anyways. Damn you, mini dress.

 

Sunday:

We’ll be finishing the week on a high note — a beautifully crisp April day. We predict an 82% chance of you not enjoying even one moment of it because you’re stuck inside cramming all the work you’ve been putting off for the past two days. Be sure to expect a downpour of “who can concentrate on such a gorgeous day,” with a slight cloud cover of “you, you have to concentrate on such a gorgeous day.”  

 

Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign and We’ll Tell You Where to Hydrate

Regular Ole Water Fountain/Bubbler (Aries)

Being an Aries can be tough — people always seem to be in the way. When you’re trying to get hydrated, the last thing you want to do is get in line behind someone who doesn’t know how to operate a filter. Lucky for you, nobody ever uses the water fountains on campus. You’ll be in and out of there in no time, and without causing a fight! Aries, we know you’re willing to fight for what you want — but you also know to pick your battles. This semester, don’t let H2O be one of them.

Coffee Exchange Water Fountain (Sagittarius)

Sagittarius, we know you love an adventure. That’s why we’ve chosen a water hole that’s a bit further away than the usual bounds of College Hill. Still close enough to be accessible, and yet enough of a walk to call it an outing. Not only is Coffee Exchange home to some of the most delicious water in the greater College Hill area, their variety of coffee selections from all around the world will make you feel truly well-traveled.

Barus and Holley Hydration Station (Capricorn)

You’re a person that knows what you want, and when you need hydration, you need it now. That’s why the Barus and Holley hydration station is perfect for you, Capricorn. Not only do you get to incorporate some much needed H2O into your busy schedule, you get to save the planet while you’re at it. You’ve got your eyes on the prize, which can make taking care of yourself hard at times. That’s why you appreciate bodily necessities that are perfectly positioned along your commute.

Andrews Vending Machine (Gemini)

Geminis get a lot of flack for being flighty, but here at BlogDailyHerald, we don’t think that enjoying multiple options should be a bad thing. You know you’re all about keeping doors open and not locking into a decision before necessary, so why should your water drinking experience be any different? The Andrews vending machine provides the perfect chance to either obtain some famously delicious drip droppity or spring for a juice/soda if that’s what your heart desires.

Blue Room Water Spout (Libra)

We admire your inner calm, Libra. That’s why the Blue Room water spout is perfect for your hydration needs. Nestled in quietly productive Faunce, the spout elegantly delivers hydration right to your bottle. Of course, the aesthetics are premier. We know you take every decision you make very seriously and that you’re sure to weigh the pros and cons of every watering hole on campus before making your decision. That’s why we hope that we can be a guiding hand in helping you choose.

Infused Water from the Ratty (Taurus)

Taurus, let’s cut right to the chase. We know that you’re dependable, and you deserve a dependable water supply. The Ratty is one of the few dining halls on campus that is open rain-or-shine, break-or-not. The infusion of various fruits adds a flashy touch of vitality to a day that might be somewhat monotonous otherwise, and its prime location gives you the ability to eat your heart out — while staying gloriously hydrated.

Scili Café Water Dispenser (Cancer)

Sometimes, life can get really tough. That’s why you need the cement walls of the Scili to protect you from whatever might be getting you emotional, Cancer. The Scili Café water dispenser is perfect located in the quiet, calm Scili — where nothing can hurt you. Cancer, feel free to take a sip and a moment to breathe. You might even consider taking advantage of the machine’s water-boiling capabilities to make a soothing cup of tea.

Poland Springs Sparkling Water from the Blue Room (Leo)

There’s no shame in preferring the finer things in life, Leo. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to show those nicer things to your peers. Consider investing in some Poland Springs sparkling water (not sponsored, unfortunately) to show off your unique sense of pizzazz. The bright pop of color will make sure to tell anyone that sees you, “Yeah, I know what the Blue Room is. I engage in capitalist commerce.”

Water from your Brita (Virgo)

Clean water is a human right, Virgo. Keeping your space organized and your life in check is important to ensuring that you maximize your capabilities as a human being. We think that your water should be held to that same standard. Filter out the bad energies (and Rhode Island’s notorious lead contamination http://www.browndailyherald.com/2018/04/25/rhode-island-struggles-address-lead-poisoning-problem/ ) from your eight cups a day by investing in a Brita water filter — if you don’t already own one, that is.

Jo’s Water Fountain (Scorpio)

Home to the second tastiest water on campus, the water dispenser at Jo’s (just the water dispenser, not the vending machine) is the perfect location for any Scorpio. The dark atmosphere (after all, Jo’s only opens after six) is sure to make any Scorpio feel at home — especially since it is the sign of the underworld. The spicy withs mirror your hot personality and the late hours are accommodating of your less-than-perfect sleeping schedule. Best of all, since most people veer toward the vending machine, there’s no reason to feel jealous when getting in your eight cups.

Water from the Sink (Aquarius)

Who doesn’t love a practical thinker, Aquarius? After all, who really cares where a life-giving fluid comes from, given that you’re able to access it? The sinks that are helpfully placed in every dormitory on campus are your golden ticket to hydration. Easy, accessible, and always open for business. Sure, Rhode Island doesn’t have the best track record with tap water, but you’ve done the calculations and you’re willing to take the risk.

Basement of 85 Waterman Hydration Station (Pisces)

Sometimes, you just need to stare off into the rain. Luckily, the 85 Waterman Basement gives you the perfect opportunity to both keep your body hydrated and become one with nature. Pisces, we know that you need moments in life to just take it slow and let your mind wander. Let the hydration station water your earthly form just as the rain quenches the earth. Whether you sink into the window seat in the basement or take the elevator up to the dope-ass greenhouse, 85 Waterman is sure to please.


People You’ve Definitely Seen @the Nelson

Not all of us haul ourselves to the Nelson Fitness Center on a regular basis, but those who do are familiar with many characters. For those curious yet lazy souls who wonder what exactly goes on at the Brown Gym, here’s a quick tl;dg (too lazy; didn’t gym):

Sir Lift-A-Lot

The most daunting type of person to haunt the gym, he’s very likely to be a student athlete. You know the type. He’s probably lifting twice the amount you are, and only stops in between consecutive sets to look you up and down before asking “Do you even lift, bro?”

Nerd Undergoing Transformation

And probably failing. It’s very clear that they have just been dragged along to the gym to spot the Sir-Lift-A-Lots of the world. They can be spotted frequently with a textbook in hand, trying to memorise organic chemistry formulae while pretending to spin.

 That Girl/Guy You Hate

You know the one. They’re always wearing the latest gear (quite possibly from LuLu Lemon, and, as a consequence, extremely overpriced), including water-resistant mascara and lipstick. It doesn’t matter that they’re coming to the gym to work out, because as far as they’re concerned, all the world is a catwalk. Similarly to Taylor Swift, they’ll leave the gym in a clean change of clothes and with eyebrows intact.

(see: Taylor Swift leaving the gym  vs Britney Spears leaving the gym)

Aspiring Social Media Celebrity

That one person who’s too busy posting about their gym routine to do it any justice. You sometimes wonder what they’re trying to prove, and to whom. Then you remember that models on Instagram probably make twice the amount of money you ever will without doing anything, and decide that they’re probably better off than you are.

That Old Man/Woman Who’s Probably Healthier Than You Are

We’ve all seen the odd grandfather or grandmother working the machines at the Nelson.. You’re always mildly worried that they’re about to break their back, but realize after watching them for an hour that they’re more familiar with the gym equipment than you are. You’re torn between self-pity, awe, and the false hope that you will be as active as they are when your first grey hair spurts.