The Ultimate Finals Playlist

It’s that time of the year again (nope, not the holidays). You can just smell it in the air! The tensions, the nostalgia, the last minute crams. Here’s a new playlist to sum up what remains of the year, with a few minor tweaks to the lyrics you know and love (although considering my musical tastes: lyrics your dad knows and really wishes you’d love).

 

Post-Thanksgiving: You just got the small break you desperately needed, and oh look! you’ve returned with a sliver of hope. Little did you know how quickly the finals f**kfest begins.

The New Day (Greta Van Fleet):

♪Let the new day (ONLY UNTIL 4PM OF COURSE) shine its light on me
Shake the old way, nights too dark to see
Free tomorrow, it’s bright with something new
Believe the righteous, and it will come true ♪

 

Last Week of Class: “Wow, how the hell is the semester already over? I swear I was just about to go to the prof’s office hours for the first time yesterday, and form a meaningful connection for that recommendation letter I need”

“I wonder if she still remembers me from that one time we talked about climate feedbacks”

Time is fleeting friends.

 

Good Times Bad Times (Led Zeppelin):

♪In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man
Now I’ve reached the age
I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my way to do the same old jam
Good times, bad times
You know I had my share
When my soul left home
For a midterm so bad
Well, I still don’t seem to care ♪

Live the best S/NC life people!

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Michael Bublé’s Christmas Songs Ranked

December is here, which means that it is finally socially acceptable to start listening to Christmas music.

As for me, Christmas music is a year-long entity in my life; and by Christmas music, I mean Michael Bublé’s 2011 Christmas album. The gift that keeps on giving, this album is Bublé’s take on some of the season’s most popular tunes. 15 songs (technically 16, if you count the 8-second “Christmas Welcome Message”) in total – it is time for the Pop Culture Guru to rank them.

 

15) Jingle Bells

It’s a shame that maybe the most well-known song on this album is easily Bublé’s worst output. Featuring the Puppini Sisters – a vocal trio that looks like they came here in a time machine straight from the Roaring 20s – this adaptation is clunky at best and disgustingly bad in reality.

 

14) Silent Night

*Sigh* God damn, this one is boring. I thought the point of this album was to modernize and reinvent some Christmas songs, but Bublé sounds like he can barely stay awake by the time the first chorus comes around. If you can somehow make it all the way to the children’s choir part, I applaud you.

 

13) Santa Baby — or should I say, Santa “Buddy”

This is frankly a pretty bad song in general, and there’s not much Bublé can do to fix it. I just don’t think it should have been on the album in the first place.

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Hometown Thanksgiving: Turkey with a Side of Discourse

“If Pop-Pop says something racist at Thanksgiving dinner, oh boy, am I going to tell him off!” said Kendall Wilfred, a Brown freshman who, at press time, had said absolutely nothing to Grandpa Joe.

Primed with his newfound knowledge of words like “heteronormative” and “nuanced,” Kendall, in early November, reported that he was confident in his ability to even further alienate his conservative family at their singular, annual gathering. Kendall even expressed a hard-line stance on “problematic” statements, reiterating that not even close friends from his rural, small-town Southern high school would be granted passes.

Correspondents reported, however, that all evidence of Kendall’s previously unshakable moral convictions had mysteriously disappeared once his plane landed in his hometown, which overwhelmingly voted for Trump in the 2018 midterms (write-ins). We’re told that Kendall was witnessed sighing deeply, but not vocalizing, when his old classmates expressed their relief that Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed. Incendiary statements such as “Sure, we can’t know what happened, but the important thing is a Republican majority on the court,” were overlooked by Kendall, who noted that his classmate was making good use of his state’s open-carry gun policy. When confronted in the local supermarket with “I don’t mind immigrants, but it’s the illegals that need to be simultaneously waterboarded, separated from their children, and held in the basement of an abandoned windmill for the rest of time,” Kendall meekly suggested that his childhood best friend read a recent Vox article on the issue. It’s worth noting that Kendall did express regret that he didn’t bring his projector, which made a thorough PowerPoint presentation on the topic impossible.

Even more shocking than Kendall’s interactions with his classmates — people that he considers further removed from his social network than literal strangers — are the conversations that he partook in during Thanksgiving. During dinner, Kendall used phrases such as “intersectionality,” “cissexism,” and “binary determinism” twenty-four times less than he was known to while at Brown University. Usually a prolific advocate and known to express his opinions in any situation where everyone would undoubtedly agree with him, Kendall exhibited surprising timidity in the presence of his family members, whose elderly authority had been ingrained into his impressionable psyche for the past twenty years straight. We’re told that Mitch McConnell’s work in the senate was lauded extensively at some point during the third course, and though Kendall attempted to make a statement, he ultimately decided to simply continue eating Grandma Pearl’s famous mashed potatoes.  

At press time, Kendall was still debating whether Pop-Pop’s comment about “those homosexuals” was worth an argument that would likely give the family patriarch a prolonged heart attack. In the end, Kendall decided against a confrontation that might have actually benefited the political development of younger members at the table, choosing instead to live tweet the experience @unapologeticallyopinionated.


Top 10 Glee Performances

Some of you may be wondering: why am I ranking the ten best Glee performances ever? To that, I have no real answer other than that I felt like it. A number of factors were considered for the ten songs that made it on to this list – as well as the thousands of other nominees that just missed the cut – ensuring that this would be an accurate evaluation of Glee’s wide-ranging canon of vocal performances. You will not be seeing any Season 5 or 6 performances on this list because, unlike a fine wine or a Pierce Brosnan, Glee did not get better with age. Enjoy:

 

10) “I’ll Stand by You” – Finn (Season 1, Episode 10)

This is by far Finn’s best solo performance, but I will say that it was a bit odd to see him singing a love song to a sonogram. Awkward moment when his mom walked in on him. Also, I used this version of the song as inspiration for my acapella audition last year. Did I get a part? God no.

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What the Ratty Should Play Instead of CNN

We’ve all been there.

A stressful day, week… month. Where to go? What to do?

The lost and confused student need not wander much further than the shining beacon of hope that is the Ratty. Sometimes, the most therapeutic remedy in a time of tribulation is to resolve one of our most biological needs: the need to eat. For seven days a week, the Ratty is there for students, offering a bountiful wealth of sustenance, with the glimmering promise of “comforts” and better days to come.

It is nearly a perfect place. An area to socialize, eat, reflect, and learn. One glaring issue, however, restricts our beloved Ratty from reaching its full, unbridled potential: 24/7 CNN news coverage blaring from the large television mounted prominently on the wall.

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Top 10 Worst/Best Icebreakers

This is for all the freshmen and transfer students out there.

In your honor, I have listed all worst/best icebreakers I’ve partaken in and/or heard about. I also added sarcastic commentary for effect — so it would really be in your interest to continue reading. After all, it’s best you prepare yourself — because if your first year at Brown is anything like mine was, a storm is coming…

  1. What’s your favorite ice-breaker? (Nope, not a meta-question. They meant the candy.)

  2. Turn to the person next to you and stare at them for ten minutes without speaking. Write down what you see. (As reported by someone in Introduction to Creative Non-Fiction whose name I do not know.) This allegedly made things icier than they had already been.

  3. What’s the weirdest noise you can make using only your body? (It was a combination of a yodel and a burp.)

  4. If you were an ice-cream, how would you want to be eaten? (The tension in the room thickened noticeably after this question. Fortunately, I’d left.)

  5. If you could be the one to liberate Dobby, what color sock would you give him? (Even though this is essentially an interesting way of asking someone their favorite color, it’s undermined by the fact that someone asked what your favorite color was. It doesn’t really get more generic than that.)

  6. What moral school of thought do you subscribe to? (Okay, fine. This may have been asked during an introductory Moral Philosophy lecture, but still. It counts.)

  7. What are you most insecure about? (I mean… that would definitely break any ice. And probably produce other effects, as well. )

  8. What’s your favorite type of calculator? (If it’s anything other than a TI-84, it’s not even worth breaking the ice with you.)

  9. What good quality do you pride yourself on? (I was oddly tempted to answer with “humility”…)

  10. What’s your favourite publication at Brown? (Trick question, everyone knows the only correct answer is BlogDailyHerald.)