Things Nobody Has Ever Said at Brown

  1. Why don’t we just call it the Sharpe?

  1. Thank god all this construction is going on, I don’t know what I would do if I saw an unblocked sidewalk.

  1. Instead of anger at the petty, personal inconvenience ambulance alarms cause for me over the weekends, I feel empathy and pain for those that called the paramedics.

  1. I’m an asshole pedestrian, but I refuse to admit it because existing on a college campus has made me believe that the streets between Brown and Hope belong exclusively to me.

  1. That guy revving his motorcycle super fucking loudly must have a gigantic phallus.

  1. I joke about getting hit by the shuttle to pay for my tuition, but I own two Canada Goose jackets and my parents live in the Hamptons.

  1. My friends from orientation are my strongest support network, even four years after orientation.

  1. 257 Thayer is priced reasonably and in no way caters to the economic 1% that Brown loves to disproportionately accept.

  1. Plastic-bottle-vodka mixed with diet Coke is my favorite drink, and I mean that legitimately, not because it’s all I have access to as an underaged college student.

  1.  Burrito bowls are forty cents more expensive at the larger Bajas- another example of the failures of capitalism.  

  1.  Figuring out whether to wave, smile, or say hi to people I met at a party once in freshman year but still recognize causes me no anxiety whatsoever.

  1.  I make memes about depression because they’re relatable and convince myself they’re a good example of mental illness representation ─­ even though I’ve never struggled with depression myself.

  1.  The practicality of lanyards seriously outweighs what a fucking dweeb you look like while wearing them.

  1.  The food security the Ratty provides makes up for the fact that they use raisins as seasoning.

  1.  Thank god Patagonia opened on Thayer. Everyone is talking about it, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to become the next campus hotspot.

  1.  I’ve been following my budget closely all semester, and I’m actually at a surplus.

  1.  I bought all the textbooks for my classes this semester.

  1.  East-Side Mini-Mart offers goods at reasonable prices and doesn’t try to price-gouge college students that don’t have any other options in the near vicinity.

  1.  You know what would be a terrible idea for Thayer? A supermarket.

  1.  Trader Joe’s coming to Thayer was never a believable proposition, but being spoon-fed the concept that hard work and resiliency essentially deserve cosmic reward made me accept it without question.


To All the Classes I’ve Loved Before

You’ll never know how I thought of you, sitting in Physics, wishing I could be in you instead.

During those never-ending nights at the SciLi, when I dreamed of all the euphorically early nights you could give me. I could never get you off my mind, as hard as I might. I remember dreaming of Introduction to Sleep while dozing off in Thermodynamics. Wishing I could be in ENGN 90 while suffering through ENGN 1590. Who wouldn’t want to take Rocks with Jocks instead of Organic Chemistry with Pre-Meds?

Some semesters, it was my fault, some yours, and some semesters all that separated us was a poorly-placed section time. There’s no denying that our timing was always off. You were at nine a.m., I refused to give up my Sunday night ragers. You were MWF and I really wanted a four-day weekend. You were 12-1 and I really wanted lunch. You were in Bio-Med and I was living in Grad Center. No matter the Herculean effort I put forward, it just wouldn’t work.

I won’t pretend that I won’t think of you after graduation. Though our relationship was largely one-sided, and you never tried to meet me halfway, I can’t just forget you. Even when the days of drinking vodka cokes from red Solo cups are but a distant memory, I’m certain that I’ll remember you in fondness.

The class that could never be, the seminar that never was.


Top 10 Bachelor Seasons

        On Monday nights, millions of fans tune in to watch desperate men and women attempt to find love on national TV. I am referring to ABC’s “The Bachelor/ette”, a reality dating show filled with tears, roses, Chris Harrison, and, of course, love. With the recent announcement of Colton Underwood as the next Bachelor, I thought that it would be a good time to go back and rank the top ten seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Factors that I considered included the hilarity of the contestants, the travel destinations, the romance, the personality of the lead, and, most importantly, the amount of drama. One final note – whether or not the winning couples are still together did not impact the rankings! Without further ado, I will hand out my ten roses:

10) The Bachelorette Season 14: Becca Kufrin

This season started off relatively strong after Lincoln fell in love with a picture, Jean Blanc pretended to fall in love with Becca, and Jordan fell in love with himself. The big reason this season ranks so low, though, is because it was completely tainted once Lincoln’s criminal record and Garrett’s … questionable likes on Instagram came out.

9) The Bachelor Season 20: Ben Higgins

The man that originally declared himself “unlovable” proved to be anything but that as he immediately stole the hearts of audiences around the world. And yet, Ben enjoyed a day on the beach with Amanda Stanton and her two daughters before promptly sending her homefor no apparent reason. More shamefully, the group traveled to Warsaw, Indiana one week after being in the Bahamas. If you’re taking the final six women to Warsaw, Indiana, that’s a huge red flag.

8) The Bachelorette Season 10: Andi Dorfman

This season boils down to one distinct moment On a group date, Andi, to my dismay, decided to rip up the results of a lie-detector test filled with incredibly personal questions in order to prove that she trusted the guys. Did I understand the sentiment? Yes. Would I have rather found out if Marcus had slept with over 30 people in his life or if Dylan showers more than three times a week? Yes.

7) The Bachelor Season 22: Arie Luyendyk Jr.

I have trouble ranking this season because, while there were a lot of hilarious moments, like Annaliese’s bumper-car trauma or the epic prank in which Arie tried to get all the contestants to drink their own pee, it also felt like the season most heavily influenced by producers. With major outcry after the boring-racecar-driver-turned-real-estate-agent was named Bachelor, producers pulled out all the stops to turn the season into a contrived masterpiece. We had some of the best travel destinations in “Bachelor” history (Paris, Tuscany, and Machu Picchu, oh my!), one of the most over-the-top villains in “Bachelor” history in Krystal, and, of course, the most intimately filmed breakup in “Bachelor” history.

6) The Bachelor Season 18: Juan Pablo Galavis

Juan Pablo may have been human garbage, but I am looking at more than that to determine my rankings. For as bad a person as Juan Pablo was, his awfulness led to the closest “The Bachelor” franchise has come to promoting female empowerment. We had Sharleen leave to focus on her Opera career, Andi ironically telling Juan Pablo “It’s not ok” after an uncomfortable night in the Fantasy Suite, and Clare firmly standing her ground after Juan Pablo tried to sweet talk her after a rejection. This was also a noteworthy season for having the youngest contestant of all time, Cassandra – to which I wonder how old one has to be to go on the show (asking for a friend, obviously).

5) The Bachelorette Season 12: JoJo Fletcher

Some highlights: a folk singer named James Taylor with no relation to the real James Taylor, a guy named Grant who looked exactly like Handsome Squidward, a Canadian porn star telling another contestant to “be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini,” and, of course, the time that Chad ripped Erectile-Dysfunction-Specialist Evan’s new shirt. The issue with this season was that all the contestants put so much energy into hating Chad that, when he was sent home, the rest of the season felt like a let down.

4) The Bachelorette Season 9: Desiree Hartstock

“Right reasons, right reasons, we’re here for all the right reasons.” First uttered when Soulja Boy came on a group date and created a rap with all of the guys, these words have been a part of my daily lexicon ever since. This season often gets a bad rep and, honestly, I’m not sure why. Yes, there were times when Des was too dull to carry the show (dreary dates with Bryden and Brad come to mind here), but this season certainly had its moments. We had a contestant’s girlfriend from home show up, and a father tweezing his son’s nose hairs during a hometown date (this guy somehow won.)

3) The Bachelor Season 19: Chris Soules

Known to the public as “Prince Farming,” Chris Soule was the star in a pretty fun season of “The Bachelor.” It started off with a bang after Kaitlyn told Prince Farming that he could plow her field anytime he wanted, and only got better as Ashley S. slowly but surely started her love affair with a pomegranate. The top moment of the season, though, must be the outrageously awkward two-on-one date between Kelsey Poe and Ashley I, in which the longest period of silence in “Bachelor” history was recorded. Both ended up getting sent home, and Prince Farming flew away in a helicopter while the women were left stranded on a mountain in South Dakota. This season only loses points due to the letdown finale and for repeatedly traveling from forgettable Midwest state to forgettable Midwest state.

2) The Bachelorette Season 13: Rachel Lindsay

The verbal assaults traded between Blake E and Lucas “Whaboom!” Yancey outside the Bachelor Mansion comprised the most hilarious moment in “Bachelor” history. Period. I can’t do it justice , but all I’ll say is that one of the many points of contention between two grown men regarded whether saying the word “Whaboom” or “honk honk fart joke” would make one a better comedian. Moving on, this was a great season because of how easily Rachel was able to cut through the dead-weight – she didn’t listen to DeMario’s garbage after finding out he had a girlfriend, sent home childhood friend Fred after saying that kissing him was like “kissing a little boy,” and eliminated at least one contestant before the rose ceremony every week. This season is not number one because Rachel enjoyed it when a man whose job title is “Tickle Monster” put on large, fake hands and tickled her.

1) The Bachelorette Season 11: Kaitlyn Bristowe

What started off as an odd season in which Kaitlyn and Britt had to compete to become the Bachelorette (remember that?), turned into an incredible combination of ridiculousness and drama, with an easygoing and laugh-out-loud hilarious lead. While contestants Clint and JJ were busy in the hot tub together discussing their “long snakes, ”Kaitlyn found herself in the midst of what I will deem a perfect season. We had our old friend Nick Viall show up in Week 4 and have fabled before-Fantasy Suite sex, a  man who referred to himself as “Cupcake” get broken up with on a cliff in Ireland, and a healer named Tony claim he had “the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy.”. A finale between two men who truly hated one another ensured that there was never a dull moment up to the bitter end.

 


Class of 2020 Admitted Students Introduction

Post by Noah Etal:

Hey guys… I know I’m a little bit late to the party (this is a poorly-disguised and jealousy-fuelled jab at all you ED folks that got into your first choice) but my mom likes to joke that I’ve been late for everything including my birth. I will now proceed to share even more uncomfortably intimate information about myself in this post, including fun facts about my deep childhood trauma and commitment issues.

However, I’m already 100 words in, so I also think I’m long overdue to humble brag about the Pulitzer-winning book I published last year. Oh, and I’ll also casually mention how I found the cure for cancer last week, but I haven’t really accomplished much in my teenage years.

Just in case you guys are still intimidated by the little that I have actually managed to accomplish, I’m going to try and seem relatable by mentioning a few things here that no one actually likes but pretends to because they’re supposed to be so niche. So here are a few things about me:

  1. I love Rick & Morty! I mean, I feel like I’m much smarter than Rick, but whatever.
  2. And now, just to seem well-rounded, I’m going to tell you how sporty I am and how much I love basketball, even though I’ve only played it once and broke my hand while being tackled.

3.To bring it home, I’m going to drop casual references about how much I love to play guitar, even though I actually only know how to play an Em chord.

  1. I never really did much in high school besides build my resume so I’m kind of running out of things to list here.

Anyway… enough about me! I want to know something about you guys too- (well not really, but my mother said I won’t make any friends if I only talk about myself). What are your favourite plants? (Mine’s tickseed!! I love the way the seeds cling to your clothes- kinda like Desperation- by Marc Jacobs, obviously.)

Either way– it was nice talking to you guys, but I have to go listen to Tchaikovksy while I reconcile quantum and classical physics now! HMU if you wanna get to know each other J

I’ll see you guys in September!! (unless I get off the waitlist for Princeton)

 

O.Vera Cheever, Gogh Geter and 13 other people like this.

Comments:

O.Vera Cheever So maybe its a little cliche but I feel like Rick & Morty is kind of stupid. I prefer documentaries about the economy- any Econ majors wanna HMU?

Bizzy B @O.Vera OMG same— message me

 

Tell Us Your Summer Internship and We’ll Tell You what Office Character You Are

Goldman Sachs/Anything financial

Ryan Howard

This person is a snek, the snekiest snek that ever did snek. Seriously though, they are driven and hardworking and maybe a little morally challenged, but nothing will stand in their way to financial domination and a cushy job at Goldman Sachs.

Art Museum

Pam Greely

The three words you could use to describe them are kind, and passionate, and definitely not a snake (ok maybe not three words). They care about the finer things in life, such as art, and definitely have the patience for repetitive and dull tasks like finding a child who has gotten lost for the third time in ten minutes. You are secretly jealous of their ability to find fulfillment in anything after spring semester.

Family Business

Dwight Schrute

Some call them “privileged,” but they prefer “family-oriented.” While whatever they’re doing may range from rustic (family farm) to highly suspect (definitely mafia), they commit to it fully, because family comes first to them. They’ll often talk about fun memories they had working for their family when they were younger (and maybe omit some key details about concrete boots).

Hollywood

Kelly Kapoor

The most dramatique person you’ve ever met, this total diva is  going to enjoy their time in sunny Los Angeles with the stars while you sob gently to yourself at your poor luck. You’re not sure how they managed it, but with a mixture of swagger and connections, they got an internship in Hollywood. Everything they do, they do with style

Summer Camp Counselor

Jim Halpert

Both fun-loving and caring, this person is gonna chill out and take care of a bunch of kids and engage in shenanigans all summer. Ever the reluctantly-nurturing soul, they’ve definitely carried you back to your dorm from Jo’s at 2 a.m. after one too many Screwdrivers. This summer, they’ll have the full experience — from a summer romance to pulling elaborate pranks on other cabins — and have a blast the entire time. They’ll come back with amazing stories of all the stuff they did, but they’re so genuine that you won’t feel bitter that your internship made you cry on a regular basis.

Menial unpaid internship

Andy Bernard

This person thought that going to an Ivy League school would automatically help them get a great internship; they were wrong. They’re going to spend their summer in an office that is either too hot or too cold around coworkers who will ask them about their “Ivy League Education.” They often brag about going to Brown around you, and you’re definitely sick of their shit.

No internship, no plans

Stanley Hudson

This person needs their summer to recover from the trauma that is the school year. You might call them apathetic, but they just believe in self-care. They might pick up the odd summer job, but nothing too high commitment, because they’re already broken inside.

Winner of BlogDailyHerald’s Acceptance Story Contest: Alexander Tin

We at BlogDailyHerald asked accepted students to send us their best #BrownAcceptanceStories. Alexander Tin wowed us with this heart-warming story:

 

The pact was my idea. The terms were simple: no matter what happened with respect to college decisions that week, my friends and I were not to tell each other the outcomes until our regularly scheduled Board Game Night on Friday when we were no longer preoccupied with the stress of the school week. It was ironic, then, that on Wednesday, March 28th at 8:47 PM, I found myself sending a message to the group chat breaking this very pact: “I’m going to Brown.”

I hadn’t originally intended to break the pact, even after finding out I was accepted – I was actually doing really well right up until I got home and realized I had no one to celebrate with. Funny enough, I even had the opportunity to tell my two closest friends when I riskily opened the Brown portal on my phone to check my admissions decision while sitting right next to them. Grace, Juliana, and I were seated in the back row of our high school’s auditorium, waiting for the 7 P.M. Chamber Music Concert to begin, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the darkness in the theater that obscured my face from my best friends. I’m quite certain I flushed bright pink when I logged into my account and saw the header image with the posters saying “Welcome to Brown” and “Brown ❤ You!” but I somehow managed to keep my composure for the remainder of the concert and reception, even with Grace’s mother periodically making faces at me from across the aisle. I felt oddly at peace being the only one who knew.

Clambering into the passenger’s seat of my father’s car after the concert, I still hadn’t completely processed the information, and I certainly wasn’t ready to answer questions. When I told my father that I’d been accepted to Brown, he was even more excited than I was– I guess it just hadn’t quite sunk in for me yet. My father must have seen this, and he let me be for the rest of the car ride. With my father driving, I finally had the opportunity to read the letter in full– I’d barely made it past “Congratulations” when I opened it the first time – and I nonchalantly clicked the link to view my financial aid. When I first saw the number, it was so high that I mistook it for the total cost. But  after incredulously scanning the page a few times, I realized it was the exact opposite: I had received the listed amount in scholarship aid. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recalled a publication I had read about this year being the first class receiving the Brown Promise. Brown was already one of my top choice schools, but this financial aid meant that it would also be the most affordable option for my father and me by a longshot. Shaken and elated, it was in this moment that I realized I really was going to Brown.

My friends had to be the first to know, of course. As soon as I got home, I messaged them asking for permission to break the pact –  if I really was committing, I couldn’t not tell them. I thought of Grace, my best friend, who had been accepted via Early Decision to RISD, and how this was exactly what we had naïvely (albeit somewhat jokingly) dreamt of as early as our freshman year of high school – she would go to RISD, I would go to Brown, and we would rent a cute little apartment together on College Hill and adopt a bunny named Fluffernutter and live happily ever after. Except now it might actually be more than just a silly daydream. It hit me all at once. We were going to be going to college together in the fall, and she absolutely had to know. Emotional, I sent one more message to the group.

Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate; Juliana was calling me. Unsuspecting, I answered only to hear excited yet unintelligible yelling from my friend, but then followed by words so surreal I almost didn’t believe them at first: “I’m going to Brown too!”

My two best friends and I would be going to college together. The emotions I was experiencing at this point cannot be properly explained by words. All the good memories we’d made together recently flashed through my mind – taking silly reference pictures for Grace’s art, fooling around in an elementary school playground, roaming around the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, playing together in the school band – and I thought about how many more memories we would now be able to make in the next four years, and I couldn’t contain myself. Though our call lasted only 54 seconds, I felt like I had spent ages on the phone with Juliana. I couldn’t tell you a single word I said in that blur of a minute.

When the call was over, I was so filled with euphoria that I couldn’t stand still. Overjoyed, I half-ran, half-danced around my house until I had calmed down enough to call my sisters and some other friends. The excitement, I must say, has yet to die down completely. I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life, and I can’t explain how much it means to me or how excited I am that I was given the opportunity to attend Brown University in the fall with both of my best friends close by. And I would certainly break several pacts for that.