Special Skillz I Wish I Could Add to My Resume

If I were an employer, I’d hire the shit out of myself (tragically, actual employers do not always agree with me). But there’s a major issue: my resume lacks some of the most impressive things about me, things that may arguably be more impressive than my high school induction to the National Honor Society. Here are a few additions that I think would really spice up my resume and show my future employers who I really am…

  1. Is fluent in Drake lyrics (and conversational in Rihanna, Kanye, and many, many others)

  2. Can make a killer cup of coffee (as long as it’s from a Keurig or something, I can’t really work a coffee maker)

  3. Works well with others (as long as the “others” are furry and four-legged)

  4. Good at handling money that isn’t her own

  5. Quite smol so can fit into small crevices.

  6. Wrists and hands are also smol so can easily fish things out between couch cushions or car seats (i.e. dropped phones, keys, wallets).

  7. Can drink up to seven cups of coffee a day and still be asleep by 11 pm

  8. Can also pound La Croix at an alarming rate

  9. Can properly use a liquid eyeliner pen

  10. Can scare boys away without even trying

  11. Makes the best playlists (i.e. However You Say Procrastination in French, Cool Songs For A Cool Dad, stuDYING)

  12. Constantly finds the dankest of memes and sends them to friends

  13. Knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians/Jenners

  14. Can French braid her own hair behind her back

  15. (Somehow) passed her driver’s test on the first try and have gotten into fewer than five accidents in the five years since!!

  16. One time got the mean waiter at Louie’s to smile at her

  17. Answers texts pretty quickly (except for when I open one and forget to respond altogether)

Tell Us Your Favorite Store on Thayer and We’ll Tell You Your Concentration

Most Brown students come into college with firm ideas about what they don’t want to study, but a very vague notion of what they do want to study. The open curriculum certainly doesn’t help them make up their mind. But if you’re one of those lost souls, struggling to declare a concentration, look no further: below are a few simple, effortless guidelines by which you can choose your concentration:

Brown Bookstore

Your major: Econ

You clearly enjoy partaking in extortion. But maybe — just maybe — you’d like to be on the exacting end of an extortion rather than the receiving end. And how better to extort than as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Remember, every billionaire started as a lowly Econ major — and so can you! Just remember that no amount of money is worth selling your soul to the corporate world.

By Chloe

Your major: Biology

You love all things green and organic. You’re probably vegan because you care so much about Providence’s flora and fauna.  You also love telling people around you how much you love animals. Which is a lot. A whole lot.

Fro-Yo World

Your major: Criminal Justice

Well, more specifically Public Policy focused on Criminal Justice. Constantly stuck reading law textbooks, you’re mysterious, elusive and sought out by many — just like the always-in-demand but always-closed Fro-Yo World. Not many people know that behind that innocent façade lives a criminal mastermind. You may look and taste sweet, but rumor has it you’re really just a front for the drug cartel. What’s in those sprinkles?

CVS

Your major: Computer Science

You’re basic AF and what people turn to when they don’t really know what they want. You’re practical and helpful, but also disappointingly unoriginal. You’ll probably end up making a lot of money, but end up burning the midnight oil and working far longer than your friends.

Urban Outfitters

Your major: Visual arts

One word: aesthetic. It’s all about the aesthetic. It doesn’t matter if it’s super expensive and fuzzy and blindingly pink, you live for it. Your friends are quick to compliment you on your keen eye for fashion and all things related.

Spectrum India

Your major: Independent concentration

You’re an independent thinker — you love to mash up things from different places and cultures even though they don’t really make much sense together. No one really knows what you’re doing or if your major is actually real, and sometimes, to be honest — neither do you. You probably need to engage in illegal agricultural activities to write your papers, and by the time they’re done they won’t make sense to anyone but you.