Encyclopædia Brown

The Sharpe Refectory

 

/Not-Ro-dent/

Noun

Very, very mediocre dining place. Affectionately known ONLY as “The Ratty.”

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People You’ll See In Your Lecture

The Stenographer:

This person started typing the second the professor said “hi.” This is the person making that loud keyboard sound ALL THE FUCKING TIME. This person sure as hell is making up facts to make note of because WHY WOULD YOU COPY THE ENTIRE SYLLABUS IF ITS POSTED ON CANVAS??

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Overwrought BBA Posts Part 1

42069- To that girl in the Sci-Li in the pineapple costume on Halloween in 2014:

I was the boy wearing the pizza costume, and I think that says it all. It was love at first sight. The green foliage you wore on your head was what first attracted my attention. From there, it only got better. It’s been four years, and I still can’t stop thinking about you. I would say please notice me, but I know you noticed me looking before you glanced away quickly. Too quickly… and still, your brown eyes haunt my every dream. And whenever I do get to see them again, it really piques my pepperoni… if you know what I mean.

We have mutual friends, but I don’t think we’ve ever hung out. I know you called me crusty, and told your friends you’re not interested… but I just wish you’d give me a chance. Every time I see you with another girl or guy, I die a little bit on the inside. My sun rises and sets with you. You’re the single most beautiful person/pineapple I’ve ever seen. All I’m asking for is a chance. Continue Reading


Procrastination Nation: A Day In The Life

We’re students. Procrastinating is in our blood. People who can go and crank out all of their reading responses or problem sets or papers in one sitting both impress and, quite frankly, terrify me. But most of us don’t have the luxury of time management, so we’re left with growing piles of work we either choose to ignore, or parse out so slowly that it’s pretty much as effective as ignoring them. While no two procrastinators are alike, everyone tends to use similar tactics to avoid real life responsibilities: naps, Netflix, food and friends. In fact, here is a rough timeline of an average dawdler’s day:

 

1:00 pm – Meet up with friends after a long half-day of classes and pick up a little mid-afternoon second lunch.

1:40 pm – Saunter back to your dorm, stop for every single person you recognize, and every free food-stand on the Main Green.

1:50 pm – Power nap!

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Top 10 Worst Adam Sandler Movies

Embarking on this project may have been the toughest challenge of my life. I did not intend to subject myself to over 20 hours of Adam Sandler this week, but here we are. I want to preface this by saying that I like a lot of Adam Sandler movies. I do. The issue is that with every good Adam Sandler movie, there are two bad ones. This difficult task gave me many options, and whittling the list down to just ten took a lot of determination, courage, nightmares about Rob Schneider, and alcohol. Please bear with me as I reveal the definitive list of the ten worst Adam Sandler movies:

10) Just Go with It (2011)

The one where Adam Sandler tells Jennifer Aniston to pretend to be his wife so that he can hookup with a supermodel. Sexism and fat shaming are a-plenty in this fun film for the whole family!

9) The Do-Over (2016)

This Adam Sandler/David Spade action movie you never knew you needed — whereupon after watching it, you realize that you do not, in fact, need it. This movie is so unnecessarily complicated that David Spade discovering the cure for cancer, is like, the sixth most significant thing that happens.

8) You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Really outrageous movie. In it, Sandler attempts to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict while simultaneously “making sticky” with dozens of old women who come into his barbershop. Despite its stupidity, I have to give Sandler some credit for trying to break his typical character mold with this suave assassin-turned-barber.

7) Pixels (2015)

Adam Sandler is unlikeable in most of his movies because he’s racist, homophobic, sexist, etc., but, in this one, his character is just unlikeable because he’s a passionless schlub with nothing endearing about him. Sandler seems to know how unfunny his one-liners are before even saying them. With an undeveloped female character and rampant misogyny, we are also fortunate enough to see a typical Sandler love story. Plus, we get one of the worst casting decisions of all time with Kevin James as the President of the United States… I guess that isn’t as ridiculous of a statement anymore, but the point still remains.

6) Grown Ups 1 and 2 (2010/2013)

Neither one of the Grown Ups “movies” is anything more than a paid vacation for Adam Sandler and his cronies. There was a certain point during the first Grown Ups — probably right in between Kevin James pissing himself in a pool full of children and a 50-year-old David Spade hooking up with Rob Schneider’s daughter  — where I wondered if Adam Sandler was intentionally toying with us. Afterall, getting audiences to pay for not one, but two movies with no actual script, and just a series of scenes where five assholes prank each other, deserves some credit I suppose. The only plot point in both movies is Kevin James’ attempt to do a perfect “Burp Snart” (which is, if you didn’t know, burping, sneezing, and farting all at once).

5) The Cobbler (2014)

Once I finished this movie, I stared blankly at my reflection in my computer. I had to make sure I didn’t age 100 years, because I’m damn certain that’s how I felt after watching this 92-minute snooze fest. This movie’s cool premise about a cobbler who can transform his body into whomever’s shoes he is wearing makes it sound like a fun comedy — but this, folks, was a heavy-hitting drama. Sandler’s work here, while understated, is painfully unenjoyable, and Steve Buscemi’s attempt at a career-defining dramatic turn fails miserably.

4) Jack and Jill (2011)

At this point, we’ve covered that Adam Sandler’s characters are pretty much just the same misogynistic womanizer over and over again. But this movie introduces a completely new Sandler creation: Jill, otherwise known as the worst film character in the history of modern cinema, played by Sandler himself. She is terribly loud, amazingly obnoxious, and has cringe-worthy incestuous feelings toward her brother. Instead, though, she finds love with Al Pacino (yes, that Al Pacino, the only Al Pacino). Jill’s gruesome trip to a Mexican restaurant and ensuing trip to the bathroom is something that will haunt me forever.

3) That’s My Boy (2012)

That’s My Boy — Sandler’s foray into R-rated territory — begins with Susan Sarandon committing statutory rape with a 13-year-old Adam Sandler, and ends with the discovery that Blair Waldorf is having an affair with her younger brother. In between those two events is probably the most revolting movie I have ever watched, only saved from the bottom of this list by a couple of genuine laughs courtesy of Will Forte.   

2) I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007)

A masterclass in homophobia disguised as something progressive, Chuck and Larry is filled with an inexcusable amount of slurring and stereotyping. The plot revolves around two straight men (a point that they repeatedly make very clear), Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who get married for … tax reasons? Honestly, I’m still not sure. I was mostly still trying to get the image of Kevin James playing with a sex doll in front of his seven-year-old daughter out of my head. The awfulness of this movie, though, can be summed up in one scene: after being released from a hospital, Adam Sandler is greeted by five Hooters’ waitresses. He then asks them, “Who wants to rub my ass bump?” — and they all jump at the opportunity.

1) The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

After about fifteen minutes — and already two instances of a horse with diarrhea — I realized that I had officially succeeded in my quest to find the worst Adam Sandler movie. After reading that Native Americans walked off the set due to blatant racism, I had low expectations — which it still failed to meet. First off, Adam Sandler plays a shape-shifting (!) cowboy, a point that is never explained. He and his five half-brothers — Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, and Luke Wilson – are all horrible people who do not deserve the happiness they find. Other qualms: Taylor Lautner’s performance probably puts to rest the Edward-Jacob debate, Blake Shelton keeps looking at the camera, Rob Schneider is in it, and Vanilla Ice’s depiction of Mark Twain is despicable. Wait, let me repeat that: Vanilla Ice plays Mark f*cking Twain.With Sandler signed on to continue adding to his slew of Netflix installments, I truly hope that I will never see anything as bad as this again.

 


A Guide to First Year Housing

As Told by a First Year Who Probably Knows Way Less About This Than You Do

It’s almost three weeks into the school year, and if you’re a newbie like me, you’re probably still awkwardly introducing yourself to other first years in this specific order: name, hometown, dorm. In fact, you’re also probably awkwardly nodding when someone mentions a dorm on the other side of campus and saying, “Oh whoa, I’m in [specific dorm on the other side of campus from you], all the way over there!” And if you’re really like me, you haven’t fully grasped the differences between all the first-year dorms yet, but feel like it’s too late in the game to ask someone. That’s why I’ve created this helpful guide with literally everything you will ever need to know about Brown’s freshman dorms.*

ANDREWS

The proverbial hotel on campus, Andrews is high-class and the people who live there know it. Their dining hall is the Brown equivalent of  5-star gourmet food, with daily specialty meals and an hour long wait time to go with it. The Andrews one-percenters look down both figuratively and literally on the commoners from the other dorms, while they’re comfy and well-fed in their fire-pit-filled perch overlooking all of Pembroke.

EM-WOOL

That other dorm in Pembroke with a dining hall in the basement. I arrived at the V-Dub at 7:38 PM last week and the food had long been packed away, so I have yet to try their cuisine, but they get points for being punctual at closing time, I guess. EmWool may not have the nicest rooms, or the best food, or the closest proximity to campus, but they do have semi-private bathrooms, and that just about makes up for everything.

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