Kids You’ll Meet in Your FYS

The Show-Off

Went to a private school like Phillips Exeter and won’t stop talking about it and their own supposed intelligence. Drops words like postmodernism willy-nilly just to grind  your gears. Definitely annoys the professor by being incredibly sycophantic yet supremely condescending at the same time. Hearing them talk makes you visibly wince, and they will often include some personal anecdote that’s meant to make them seem sophisticated but just makes you realize how much of a tool they are.

Continue Reading

Providence Weather Forecast: 4 szns, 1 week, nothing matters anymore

Monday:

Get ready to start the week off right with a 67% chance of disappointment when you don’t receive that sweet, sweet cancellation email from Russell Carey. Prepare for a misleadingly sunny day that turns into a life-threateningly cold evening. Based on data from the National Weather Institute, we’re expecting a particularly severe wave of  “shit, why didn’t I put on a coat this morning.”

 

Tuesday:

Folks, you’ll be happy to hear that you’re waking up to a winter wonderland this morning! Beautiful, sparkling snow is set to cover every inch of campus, even making the Scili look bearable (from the outside, at least). Get ready to fall back in love with Brown, even in this trying pre-finals season. We predict you’ll be able to enjoy a wondrous blanket of white for a luxurious three and a half minutes! Afterwards, experts are predicting a cruelly instantaneous transformation to grey slush (just like the rest of your dreams).

 

Wednesday:

It’s here! The one beautiful Providence day of the entire year. Sunshine, friends, and well-deserved dopamine are sure to abound. The kind of day that makes even the strictest of professors say “hey, why don’t we move this discussion outside?” When you do decide to collect some sweet vitamin D (;)), make sure to pack a picnic blanket, an ole pigskin to toss around, and a conscious acknowledgement that you are currently ignoring a crushing number of responsibilities.

 

Thursday:

Watch out this Thursday for a special treat — Providence’s famous Second Winter. This fantastic meteorological phenomenon has been proven to affect College Hill more than any other location in the nation. Dozens of studies over the decades have shown that Second Winter, commonly referred to as Freezing Your Ass Off in April for No Goddamn Reason, is exceptionally effective at convincing students to transfer schools.

 

Friday:

Get ready for an entirely pleasant day and early afternoon, with temperatures dropping suddenly in the nighttime. Effective methods of beating the cold include staying inside, wearing a heavy coat, or wearing your mini dress and going out anyway because dammit, you deserve this. It’s been a long week and you don’t party that much, but Fridays are for the girls and the weather should know that.

 

Saturday:

Looks like this is going to be a pretty average day. You’re too hungover to get outside anyways. Damn you, mini dress.

 

Sunday:

We’ll be finishing the week on a high note — a beautifully crisp April day. We predict an 82% chance of you not enjoying even one moment of it because you’re stuck inside cramming all the work you’ve been putting off for the past two days. Be sure to expect a downpour of “who can concentrate on such a gorgeous day,” with a slight cloud cover of “you, you have to concentrate on such a gorgeous day.”  

 

Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign and We’ll Tell You Where to Hydrate

Regular Ole Water Fountain/Bubbler (Aries)

Being an Aries can be tough — people always seem to be in the way. When you’re trying to get hydrated, the last thing you want to do is get in line behind someone who doesn’t know how to operate a filter. Lucky for you, nobody ever uses the water fountains on campus. You’ll be in and out of there in no time, and without causing a fight! Aries, we know you’re willing to fight for what you want — but you also know to pick your battles. This semester, don’t let H2O be one of them.

Coffee Exchange Water Fountain (Sagittarius)

Sagittarius, we know you love an adventure. That’s why we’ve chosen a water hole that’s a bit further away than the usual bounds of College Hill. Still close enough to be accessible, and yet enough of a walk to call it an outing. Not only is Coffee Exchange home to some of the most delicious water in the greater College Hill area, their variety of coffee selections from all around the world will make you feel truly well-traveled.

Barus and Holley Hydration Station (Capricorn)

You’re a person that knows what you want, and when you need hydration, you need it now. That’s why the Barus and Holley hydration station is perfect for you, Capricorn. Not only do you get to incorporate some much needed H2O into your busy schedule, you get to save the planet while you’re at it. You’ve got your eyes on the prize, which can make taking care of yourself hard at times. That’s why you appreciate bodily necessities that are perfectly positioned along your commute.

Andrews Vending Machine (Gemini)

Geminis get a lot of flack for being flighty, but here at BlogDailyHerald, we don’t think that enjoying multiple options should be a bad thing. You know you’re all about keeping doors open and not locking into a decision before necessary, so why should your water drinking experience be any different? The Andrews vending machine provides the perfect chance to either obtain some famously delicious drip droppity or spring for a juice/soda if that’s what your heart desires.

Blue Room Water Spout (Libra)

We admire your inner calm, Libra. That’s why the Blue Room water spout is perfect for your hydration needs. Nestled in quietly productive Faunce, the spout elegantly delivers hydration right to your bottle. Of course, the aesthetics are premier. We know you take every decision you make very seriously and that you’re sure to weigh the pros and cons of every watering hole on campus before making your decision. That’s why we hope that we can be a guiding hand in helping you choose.

Infused Water from the Ratty (Taurus)

Taurus, let’s cut right to the chase. We know that you’re dependable, and you deserve a dependable water supply. The Ratty is one of the few dining halls on campus that is open rain-or-shine, break-or-not. The infusion of various fruits adds a flashy touch of vitality to a day that might be somewhat monotonous otherwise, and its prime location gives you the ability to eat your heart out — while staying gloriously hydrated.

Scili Café Water Dispenser (Cancer)

Sometimes, life can get really tough. That’s why you need the cement walls of the Scili to protect you from whatever might be getting you emotional, Cancer. The Scili Café water dispenser is perfect located in the quiet, calm Scili — where nothing can hurt you. Cancer, feel free to take a sip and a moment to breathe. You might even consider taking advantage of the machine’s water-boiling capabilities to make a soothing cup of tea.

Poland Springs Sparkling Water from the Blue Room (Leo)

There’s no shame in preferring the finer things in life, Leo. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to show those nicer things to your peers. Consider investing in some Poland Springs sparkling water (not sponsored, unfortunately) to show off your unique sense of pizzazz. The bright pop of color will make sure to tell anyone that sees you, “Yeah, I know what the Blue Room is. I engage in capitalist commerce.”

Water from your Brita (Virgo)

Clean water is a human right, Virgo. Keeping your space organized and your life in check is important to ensuring that you maximize your capabilities as a human being. We think that your water should be held to that same standard. Filter out the bad energies (and Rhode Island’s notorious lead contamination http://www.browndailyherald.com/2018/04/25/rhode-island-struggles-address-lead-poisoning-problem/ ) from your eight cups a day by investing in a Brita water filter — if you don’t already own one, that is.

Jo’s Water Fountain (Scorpio)

Home to the second tastiest water on campus, the water dispenser at Jo’s (just the water dispenser, not the vending machine) is the perfect location for any Scorpio. The dark atmosphere (after all, Jo’s only opens after six) is sure to make any Scorpio feel at home — especially since it is the sign of the underworld. The spicy withs mirror your hot personality and the late hours are accommodating of your less-than-perfect sleeping schedule. Best of all, since most people veer toward the vending machine, there’s no reason to feel jealous when getting in your eight cups.

Water from the Sink (Aquarius)

Who doesn’t love a practical thinker, Aquarius? After all, who really cares where a life-giving fluid comes from, given that you’re able to access it? The sinks that are helpfully placed in every dormitory on campus are your golden ticket to hydration. Easy, accessible, and always open for business. Sure, Rhode Island doesn’t have the best track record with tap water, but you’ve done the calculations and you’re willing to take the risk.

Basement of 85 Waterman Hydration Station (Pisces)

Sometimes, you just need to stare off into the rain. Luckily, the 85 Waterman Basement gives you the perfect opportunity to both keep your body hydrated and become one with nature. Pisces, we know that you need moments in life to just take it slow and let your mind wander. Let the hydration station water your earthly form just as the rain quenches the earth. Whether you sink into the window seat in the basement or take the elevator up to the dope-ass greenhouse, 85 Waterman is sure to please.


People You’ve Definitely Seen @the Nelson

Not all of us haul ourselves to the Nelson Fitness Center on a regular basis, but those who do are familiar with many characters. For those curious yet lazy souls who wonder what exactly goes on at the Brown Gym, here’s a quick tl;dg (too lazy; didn’t gym):

Sir Lift-A-Lot

The most daunting type of person to haunt the gym, he’s very likely to be a student athlete. You know the type. He’s probably lifting twice the amount you are, and only stops in between consecutive sets to look you up and down before asking “Do you even lift, bro?”

Nerd Undergoing Transformation

And probably failing. It’s very clear that they have just been dragged along to the gym to spot the Sir-Lift-A-Lots of the world. They can be spotted frequently with a textbook in hand, trying to memorise organic chemistry formulae while pretending to spin.

 That Girl/Guy You Hate

You know the one. They’re always wearing the latest gear (quite possibly from LuLu Lemon, and, as a consequence, extremely overpriced), including water-resistant mascara and lipstick. It doesn’t matter that they’re coming to the gym to work out, because as far as they’re concerned, all the world is a catwalk. Similarly to Taylor Swift, they’ll leave the gym in a clean change of clothes and with eyebrows intact.

(see: Taylor Swift leaving the gym  vs Britney Spears leaving the gym)

Aspiring Social Media Celebrity

That one person who’s too busy posting about their gym routine to do it any justice. You sometimes wonder what they’re trying to prove, and to whom. Then you remember that models on Instagram probably make twice the amount of money you ever will without doing anything, and decide that they’re probably better off than you are.

That Old Man/Woman Who’s Probably Healthier Than You Are

We’ve all seen the odd grandfather or grandmother working the machines at the Nelson.. You’re always mildly worried that they’re about to break their back, but realize after watching them for an hour that they’re more familiar with the gym equipment than you are. You’re torn between self-pity, awe, and the false hope that you will be as active as they are when your first grey hair spurts.


Special Skillz I Wish I Could Add to My Resume

If I were an employer, I’d hire the shit out of myself (tragically, actual employers do not always agree with me). But there’s a major issue: my resume lacks some of the most impressive things about me, things that may arguably be more impressive than my high school induction to the National Honor Society. Here are a few additions that I think would really spice up my resume and show my future employers who I really am…

  1. Is fluent in Drake lyrics (and conversational in Rihanna, Kanye, and many, many others)

  2. Can make a killer cup of coffee (as long as it’s from a Keurig or something, I can’t really work a coffee maker)

  3. Works well with others (as long as the “others” are furry and four-legged)

  4. Good at handling money that isn’t her own

  5. Quite smol so can fit into small crevices.

  6. Wrists and hands are also smol so can easily fish things out between couch cushions or car seats (i.e. dropped phones, keys, wallets).

  7. Can drink up to seven cups of coffee a day and still be asleep by 11 pm

  8. Can also pound La Croix at an alarming rate

  9. Can properly use a liquid eyeliner pen

  10. Can scare boys away without even trying

  11. Makes the best playlists (i.e. However You Say Procrastination in French, Cool Songs For A Cool Dad, stuDYING)

  12. Constantly finds the dankest of memes and sends them to friends

  13. Knows everything there is to know about the Kardashians/Jenners

  14. Can French braid her own hair behind her back

  15. (Somehow) passed her driver’s test on the first try and have gotten into fewer than five accidents in the five years since!!

  16. One time got the mean waiter at Louie’s to smile at her

  17. Answers texts pretty quickly (except for when I open one and forget to respond altogether)

Tell Us Your Favorite Store on Thayer and We’ll Tell You Your Concentration

Most Brown students come into college with firm ideas about what they don’t want to study, but a very vague notion of what they do want to study. The open curriculum certainly doesn’t help them make up their mind. But if you’re one of those lost souls, struggling to declare a concentration, look no further: below are a few simple, effortless guidelines by which you can choose your concentration:

Brown Bookstore

Your major: Econ

You clearly enjoy partaking in extortion. But maybe — just maybe — you’d like to be on the exacting end of an extortion rather than the receiving end. And how better to extort than as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Remember, every billionaire started as a lowly Econ major — and so can you! Just remember that no amount of money is worth selling your soul to the corporate world.

By Chloe

Your major: Biology

You love all things green and organic. You’re probably vegan because you care so much about Providence’s flora and fauna.  You also love telling people around you how much you love animals. Which is a lot. A whole lot.

Fro-Yo World

Your major: Criminal Justice

Well, more specifically Public Policy focused on Criminal Justice. Constantly stuck reading law textbooks, you’re mysterious, elusive and sought out by many — just like the always-in-demand but always-closed Fro-Yo World. Not many people know that behind that innocent façade lives a criminal mastermind. You may look and taste sweet, but rumor has it you’re really just a front for the drug cartel. What’s in those sprinkles?

CVS

Your major: Computer Science

You’re basic AF and what people turn to when they don’t really know what they want. You’re practical and helpful, but also disappointingly unoriginal. You’ll probably end up making a lot of money, but end up burning the midnight oil and working far longer than your friends.

Urban Outfitters

Your major: Visual arts

One word: aesthetic. It’s all about the aesthetic. It doesn’t matter if it’s super expensive and fuzzy and blindingly pink, you live for it. Your friends are quick to compliment you on your keen eye for fashion and all things related.

Spectrum India

Your major: Independent concentration

You’re an independent thinker — you love to mash up things from different places and cultures even though they don’t really make much sense together. No one really knows what you’re doing or if your major is actually real, and sometimes, to be honest — neither do you. You probably need to engage in illegal agricultural activities to write your papers, and by the time they’re done they won’t make sense to anyone but you.