Top 10 Halloween Disney Channel Episodes

Last week, to celebrate the impending arrival of Halloween, I ranked the top ten Halloween-themed sitcom episodes of all time. This week, I have decided to  head on over to Disney Channel. Ranking the top ten Disney Channel Halloween specials may have been a gruelling process that left me feeling ashamed, but I have created a comprehensive list that I hope you will enjoy. Excuse me while I go throw up the taste of Dog with a Blog from my mouth, though.

10) Girl Meets World – Season 1, Episode 11: Girl Meets World of Terror

This episode is, frankly, straight-up garbage. Narrated by younger brother Augie, or, as I like to call him, the absolute worst, we are treated (no pun intended) to three separate, increasingly stupid Halloween stories about the main characters. The thing I never liked about Girl Meets World is that the middle school kids are given dialogue that makes them sounds like old, wise scholars. It’s sometimes a fun show with interesting drama, but often times just life lesson BS when there doesn’t need to be a life lesson. To the struggling adult actor who paraded himself around in a tutu screaming “Tu! Tu! Tu!” to accompany the ominous soundtrack, I hope they gave you a lot of money.

9) Hannah Montana – Season 1, Episode 17: Torn Between Two Hannahs

This was a difficult episode to rank. I could have awarded it a good position for its entertaining plot or classic villain comeuppance, or, I could have taken away points for its number of cringe-inducing moments. Clearly, I went with the latter. Miley’s cousin LuAnn visits (played by Miley herself), and is just an offensive, caricature of a person with an absolutely ridiculous Southern-accent that can be summed up in her first line: “Howdy, ‘cuz! Well, yee doggies, this is one hum-dinger of a shack!” This is coupled with a neighborhood man inviting a bunch of little kids over to his place to “ride his pony” (he does own an actual pony, but the point remains.)

8) Liv and Maddie – Season 3, Episode 4: Haunt-A-Rooney

This is a good episode of Liv and Maddie. It is. The problem, though, is that a good episode of Liv and Maddie does not necessarily mean that it’s a quality thirty minutes of television. This episode succeeds on two fronts: one, it moves its worst character, Joey, to the background, not giving him much of a chance to take part in his typically annoying antics. And two – Liv, the far less interesting twin, is finally given some more complex material to work with. On the other side of things, everything with Johnny Nimbus and the haunted port-a-potty is a reminder that this show’s failures will always outweigh its triumphs.

7) Shake It Up – Season 3, Episode 25: Haunt It Up

Let me sidebar for a moment if I may – CeCe’s little brother Flynn remains an enigma to me. He’s written as an  immature boy who likes baby-ish pranks and stuff, but, at the same time, he can cook for himself, leave the apartment whenever he wants, and parades around in clothes straight out of GQ Magazine. AND, to complicate things further, his best friends seem to be dudes in high school. How old do the showrunners want this boy to be?!? Anyway, as for the episode itself – this is a decent, if not forgettable, installment in which CeCe and Rocky realize they miss trick-or-treating, and Ty and Deuce get scared at a haunted house. Standard stuff, but an above-average episode of Shake It Up in the grand scheme of things.

6) Wizards of Waverly Place – Season 3, Episode 2: Halloween

Interesting premise here, as Alex decides to use her wizarding powers to make the Russo Family Haunted House the best on the block. Truthfully, though, this episode’s flop-to-hit ratio is way out of whack. However, it would be irresponsible of me to not give a show of this esteem the benefit of the doubt. With some scene stealing work here by the affable David DeLuise, I feel comfortable allowing this pedestrian episode to earn a respectable spot on my list.

5) Dog with a Blog – Season 2, Episode 3: Howloween

Earlier, I said that I wanted to throw up the taste of Dog with a Blog. Look, I’ll be honest with you; I only said that to sound cool. I love Dog with a Blog. It’s f*cking hilarious. Stan the Talking Dog will always be one of Disney Channel’s greatest creations. In this episode, Avery wants to throw a spooktacular Halloween party to impress a boy from school (played by Lucas from Girl Meets World! Crossover! Yay!) Stan takes the opportunity to disguise himself so that he can actually talk to people without them knowing he is a dog. He becomesa robot named “Jack O’Lanternberg” – claiming to be the son of a Jewish rabbi from Ireland – this is one of the rare Dog with a Blog episodes where every single wacky plan seems to work out.

4) Boy Meets World – Season 5, Episode 17: And Then There Was Shawn

Boy Meets World, a significantly better show than its successor, Girl Meets World, makes its foray into Halloween territory by spoofing Agatha Christie’s mystery novel And Then There Were None. (A book that I am not ashamed to say gave me nightmares for most of 7th grade). Some of this episode is pretty bad – the incessant screaming comes to mind here – but a lot of it is actually really funny. For example, the gang mutually agreeing that Kenny will be the first to be killed because he isn’tpart of the main cast is the type of meta-comedy that Disney Channel needs more of. Unfortunately, I cannot reward it a position within the top 3 because it was all a dream.

3) Zack and Cody – Season 1, Episode 19: The Ghost in Suite 613

This is not only the scariest episode on the list by far, it’s so scary that I’m not really sure how Disney Channel allowed it to happen. I mean, the part where Esteban becomes possessed by a ghost is straight out of a horror movie. I get that putting the laugh track in the background is supposed to alleviate my terror, but it only made the episode that much creepier. Outside of that, this one is notable for allowing Cody to get the upper hand on Zack – something that’s rare during the show’s run. n.

2) Jessie – Season 2, Episode 1: The Whining

I really wanted to award this one first place. In terms of sheer content, it is probably the best by a longshot. Taking on the daunting task of spoofing “The Shining”, Jessie delivers one of their best episodes ever. Masterfully utilizing a number of elements from the movie – such as the blood in the elevator and the creepy twins – this episode succeeds on a number of levels. However, there is a horribly out of place Scooby-Doo chase sequence toward the end that just takes away from everything that theepisode originally struggled to achieve. Couple this with a rushed wrap-up leaving a lot of unanswered questions, and it becomes hard for me to give this one the top ranking. Look, I know I’m harsh, but it’s all for the sake of justice.

1) Good Luck Charlie – Season 2, Episode 25: Scary Had a Little Lamb

It’s not surprising that the best show on this list (Wizards of Waverly Place may have something to say about that) would have the best Halloween special. Pushing the Teddy storyline to the side, this episode succeeds by giving its real stars – Amy, Gabe, PJ – the most material to work with. PJ dresses up as a goth with a moustache, but it turns out that he truly became goth to impress his new girlfriend, and his costume was just the fake moustache. Everything about this episode – from Amy and Bob dressing up as each other, to Gabe wearing a lame second costume because “the second time around is all about volume” – is fantastic, and the episode is highly deserving of first place in this list.

 


How to Cuff the Hottie You Keep Seeing Around Campus

Look, I get it.

You’re hopelessly, irrevocably in love. Okay, sure, you’ve never actually spoken to them ─ that’s only a minor issue. After all, you’ve certainly seen them enough times to recognize the back of their head at a dimly-lit party, which is its own form of intimacy. At the end of the day, you know that your vibes align, you just need to figure out how to make the first move, and I’m here to help.

 

  1.       Do not, under any circumstances, try to speak to them.

At first glance, talking to the object of your affection might seem like a great idea. A simple self-introduction, a fact that relates the two of you (“Haven’t I seen you in my Beyonce: Herstory seminar?”), and a charming smile ─ what could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong. Speaking to people needlessly puts you in a position of vulnerability. Opening yourself up to human connection at the risk of getting hurt? No, thank you. Instead, try silently staring at them from across the party. They’ll be sure to notice you, and they might even mention you to their friends!

 

  1.       Write a BBA about them.

Ah yes, the much more approachable relative of talking to your crush ─ writing them anonymous love letters. Though BBA (Brown Bears Admirers) has been defunct for a few months, rest easy knowing that BBA (Blueno Bears Admirers) provides a haven for all to deluge their lovestruck secrets. Though the seismic rebranding of BBA to BBA has caused a few followers to be lost in the process, some Brunonian is sure to tag your sweet. You can spend the rest of your day knowing that you’ve uplifted them and proceed to do absolutely nothing more. After all, you wrote the BBA. They should sense who you are and ask you on a date, not the other way around.

 

  1.       Make note of the places they frequent, and make sure that you’re there. Always.

Running into people is much less coincidental then you might have been led to believe. When it comes to your future spouse, it doesn’t make much sense to leave something so important up to cosmic luck. So, take your future into your own hands. Make a mental note of where you see them, whether that be local cafes, eateries, or libraries. Take a week of your time to really get acquainted with your lover’s second homes, spending at least seven hours in each place. The more time you spend sitting and waiting, the higher your chances of making awkward eye contact with your sweetheart when they come in. Scientific studies have shown that familiarity leads to love, so just make sure that you’re always within eyesight. They’ll have to say something at some point, even if they’re just asking to take the chair across from you.  

 

  1.       Tell all your friends about them in the hope that someone sets you two up.

Let’s be honest, “They were wearing a green sweater on Friday” is probably not a good enough description for your friends to immediately recognize your crush. However, nearly everyone is a Facebook Sherlock these days. I’m sure with a little determination and a hearty helping of elbow grease, your compatriots can make it happen. After all, what are best friends, casual friends, and distant acquaintances for? With Brown’s tight-knit and — at times — too small community, someone is sure to be able to link up the two of you. After that, it’s smooth sailing as your friend will no doubt arrange an elaborate blind date for the two of you.

 

  1.       Be yourself, if that’s what they’re into.

Imagine this ─ it’s a beautiful, crisp autumn day and you’ve done the unthinkable, you’ve introduced yourself to someone who was once just a beautiful stranger. Huzzah! You’ve thrown the hook, but how do you reel them in? The question might seem daunting, but the answer is simple: just be yourself, as long as they’re into that. You’re more than welcome to have your own hobbies, passions…  and interests on your own time, but if they’re not what your darling is interested in ─ drop your convictions immediately. A careful perusal of their Facebook and Instagram is sure to tell you what shows you should like, what foods you should be obsessed with, and the friend group that you should assimilate into. After initially drawing them in with your commonalities, you might even be able to slip in some of your real interests ─ just make sure not to do it too quickly.

 


AH(H)S: A Health-Service Horror Story

Anyone who has been to Brown Health Services probably agrees that an old chandelier that glamorous has no business hanging around a f&cking clinic. Neither does that gothic marble flooring, or suspiciously fancy (yet ancient) wooden staircase. In fact, if someone were to wander into Brown Health Services in the late hours of the night, they might even think they’d stumbled onto the set of a low-budget horror flick. I mean, sickly souls are virtually pouring out of each room during daylight… I can only imagine how much worse it gets come nightfall. In fact, if my life was  a horror movie, my experiences with Health Services might have gone something like this:

It was midnight. I pushed open the door to Brown Health Services surreptitiously. What was I doing at Health Services this late at night, you wonder? I curse you, reader, for breaking the fourth wall – but if you must know, I was there because the blog received an anonymous tip that something interesting would be going down in Health Services at midnight. Moving on…  The door creaked open with a little effort, and slammed shut behind me. I gulped, nervously – the room was pitch dark, but for a single sliver of light glinting off the cracks in the marble floor. I followed the light, but it led only to a computer asking me to sign in with my Brown ID. I rolled my eyes at my paranoia and trekked intrepidly onwards into the darkness.

Or at least, I would have. Before I could take a single step, Despacito began to play from the computer. Horrified beyond all reason, I turned to take a closer look at it. An error message had flashed up on the screen:

Trespassers will pay. No, seriously. Only Brown students allowed here. If you don’t sign in we can fine you.”

The message was followed by an image of skull and crossbones. I screamed and ran even farther inside Health Services- I would have run back out, but the director said we don’t really do common sense in horror movies- right up the rickety wooden staircase that potentially revealed my location to everyone inside the House. Oh, well. There was probably no one else in there. Whistling carelessly to myself, I turned a corner and headed into the laboratory. Before I could get to the light switch, though, I noticed something sticky on the floor. By the light of my phone (which I forgot I even had on my person until two seconds ago) I examined the liquid carefully. I gasped. It was blood! In the laboratory! Where they conduct blood tests and stick needles into people all the time! Oh, no. Someone had definitely been murdered here. I was examining the blood more closely when I unconsciously stepped forward. “Ouch!” I screamed. I’d stepped on a discarded needle. Dammit. Now my foot was covered in blood, too.

By this time, I was already shivering with fright — despite the fact that Providence was throwing one of its passive-aggressive fits and it was actually 100 degrees out on a winter night. I wanted desperately to leave Health Services- but the stubborn protagonist inside me (not literally, mind you!) wouldn’t let me leave. “I must explore more,” I said gravely, stroking a beard I couldn’t grow by virtue of the fact that I was female. But before I could do so, I felt the sole of my foot. It was soaked with blood, and it was bleeding. Heavily. More heavily than a simple needle could have made it… I needed to fix this. Frantically, I reached into my Brown backpack (AVAILABLE NOW! AT THE BROWN BOOKSTORE! FOR 1 MILLION DOLLARS ONLY!) and pulled out my laptop. Like every Brown student before me, I relied on my laptop- it had been my confidante and companion through the most daunting of adventures- whether midterms, or haunted houses. Quickly, I Googled ‘worrisome bleeding’, and clicked on the first link I saw. It was WebMD, and it told me I had menorrhagia. F@ck, I cursed mentally. Health Services was weakening me. It was draining my life-source. I was Superman and Health Services was my kryptonite. I was a homesick freshman and Health Services was my flu season – wait a second, that wasn’t quite right…

I was broken out of my reverie by a creaking noise. I crept out of the laboratory to locate the source of the sound. It was the elevator. It was opening slowly… my heart leapt into my throat. I was sweating like crazy and beginning to feel feverish, and I wished more than anything that it was daytime so I could get that checked out- but alas, to no avail. It was still dark outside. The elevator seemed blissfully unaware of my internal diatribe, and took its own sweet time opening. When it opened, there was nothing there. A chill ran down my spine. F%ck this shit, I’m out, I decided. I ran towards the elevator before it closed and pressed the ‘0’ button. Because, you know. It’s faster than the stairs. And the stairs put a lot of pressure on your knees. And – Dammit, I was just feeling lazy, okay?!? The elevator closed rapidly- more rapidly than it had opened. Already a sinking feeling was taking over my stomach. Maybe I hadn’t thought this through… I closed my eyes and prepared for death via some supernatural entity or menorrhagia- whatever took me first, I wasn’t picky, really.

However, before anything too terrible could happen, the elevator doors pinged open and released me none too graciously onto the ground floor. I ran through the labyrinthine corridors of the first floor and barrelled through the doors of Andrews House (13 Brown Street, FYI, GET YOUR FLU SHOTS NOW!) out into fresh air. Then I stopped for ten seconds to catch my breath because I hadn’t been to Nelson in like, weeks. After that, I called an Uber home so I could get away from Health Services ASAP. Reaching home, I tumbled into bed only to have terror wash over me as I realised something: I had forgotten to turn in my midterm paper…


Your First Night out after Midterms

 

8:00 p.m.: You’re getting ready; you’re pumped, you deserve this. You’ve had a long week, you’ve spent countless hours in the SciLi… So what if you blackout and wake up at 2 p.m tomorrow? The memories you don’t remember will be totally worth it.

9:00 p.m.: You start texting your friends, trying to figure out who’s up for the 24-hour rager you’re envisioning. “Sorry, I’m studying for exams next week :/” and “I don’t know… I’m pretty busy with work.” F@ck. After texting eight other people, you reach out to your freshman-year roommate that you talk to occasionally. They’re down.

10:00 p.m.: You find yourself at a dorm party. It seems like it might be a birthday, but you don’t know the host. Somehow, it was much more glorious when you were envisioning it a few hours ago. Kind of cramped and hot, when you think about it. At least the lecture hall had ventilation, you find yourself thinking. Wait. Why the f#ck are you comparing this party to your exam?  

11:00 p.m.: After a few drinks and a new location, you’re finally starting to have a good time. The white-girl-decor swirls together. Kind of looks like a bunch of hexagons. Hexagons. Where have you seen those before… A chill runs down your spine. You start thinking about the cyclical carbon chains on your organic chemistry midterm. Snap out of it, you think to yourself. It’s over, you don’t have to worry anymore. You’re enjoying rum-and-coke out of a red solo cup, you’re the epitome of relaxation. But… is it over? Did the professor schedule another midterm within the last two days? Maybe you should just check Canvas to make sure. You barely resist. Your thumb twitches

12:00 p.m.: You notice the cute girl from section standing to the side. Intoxicated, you decide to shoot your shot. You walk up to her, ready to deliver your smoothest one liner. “What… how did you think the exam went?” you hear yourself slur. F#ck! Can you relate to people on any level besides academic?! Why did you think that would be a good opener?? This isn’t freshman year anymore, that shit doesn’t slide. “I think it was okay, haha,” she says. You’re too drunk to discern if it’s a genuine smile or not (spoiler: it’s not). She moves towards her friends.

1:00 a.m.: Normally, this is when your night would start, but after a week of surviving on three hours of sleep a night, you’re ready to turn in. You turn to say goodbye to your old roommate, but you lost them a few parties ago. Damn. You start the trek home.  

11:00 a.m: You wake up, groggy, dry-mouthed, and with a headache. You haven’t felt this shitty in the last two weeks, you think happily. You try to keep your exam-paper-flashbacks at bay. Finally, the freedom to get f*cked up.

 


Confessions of a Teenage First Year

Whether you were home last weekend, seeing family members this Family Weekend, or traveling for Thanksgiving soon, chances are — and especially if you’re a first year — you’re going to be hearing the age old question: “How’s college?!” Somehow, a simple two-word phrase can be laced with so much meaning. It goes hand in hand with the dreaded “How are you?!” How IS college, really? And how AM I, really? These aren’t questions you can just answer right off the bat! I mean, okay, that’s not entirely true. You can answer them right off the bat: “College is great/good/okay/terrible! I’m doing great/good/okay/terrible!” But that wouldn’t be the whole story, really. It’s a lot easier to just say “good” when someone asks you how you’re doing.

For first years, it’s hard to properly assess how school is going when we’ve only been here for a month-and-a-half, when most of us at least are probably still settling in and trying to find our way. I’ll be honest, I still have to use Google Maps to find a few of the buildings here. Actually, most of the buildings here. I don’t really know how to answer how I’m doing when I barely know what I’m doing! The transition from high school to college can be quite jarring. For a lot of people, it’s the first time being away from home for an extended period of time; pretty much everything here is new. There’s bound to be some growing pains. And the thing is, I’ve found that no one really mentions that when they talk about their college experience — or at least not at first.

I was a little freaked out at first coming here and having to fend for myself in the great wilderness of Providence. Obviously, I’m not really on my own, but going from living in the same familiar place my whole life to somewhere completely new without anyone to explicitly tell me what to do was a bit daunting to say the least. How long would it take to feel like I actually go here? Fortunately, this initial settling in took less time than I expected, and I’ve really seen that Brown is an amazing fit for me. Now I’m in a new phase of adjustment, trying to find my true place here.

I’m still finding my way. Yes, the hardest part for me — just getting here and getting comfortable with all the new changes — has definitely passed. I’m joining clubs and finding good study-spots and going to office hours and going out and attending speaker events and attempting to eat as well as I can at the Ratty. But sometimes, of course, I do still feel like I’m still a fish out of water, an obviously confused first-year (it probably doesn’t help that my water bottle says “Brown 2022” in big block letters). But that’s only natural. I think when I was younger I kind of assumed that once you hit 18 and/or went off to college, you’d suddenly be an adult. Like somehow a flip would be switched and suddenly you’d have all the answers, and you’d know what to do all the time. What I’m learning, though, is that this idea couldn’t be further from the truth. Here’s the big secret that I’ve uncovered, and that everyone hides: no one completely knows what they’re doing. We’re all stumbling along, making mistakes and living on our own and doing “adult” things while still feeling a little like kids. Or maybe that’s just me — but it’s probably not.

And what I’m also figuring out is that it’s not a bad thing at all to sometimes feel less-than-prepared for the so-called “real world” — that’s what these four years are for afterall. So look, if you ask me how I’m doing, or how college is, I might still give you a one word answer, because that’s just how teenagers are. But of course that one word isn’t all I feel. Chances are I’m always going to be feeling a lot of different ways all the time, and it’s always going to be changing. I don’t feel nearly as nervous as I did a month ago, and I’m sure in another month I’ll have gotten even more comfortable. College is basically just one never-ending, confusing, exciting transition. Everyone is bound to get lost at some point as we all try to find our way, but I’m very glad that Brown is where I get to do that.

 


Overwrought BBA Posts Part 2

#696969

Hey Perkins girl,

I know it’s been a while since we last spoke. You said that it wouldn’t work because you’re so busy, but I just know that if I lived closer you’d find time for me. I’m trying to convince your roommate to file a housing change form so I can be with you- please convince her? I know it’ll be worth it.

-Pembroke boy

 

#700000

@696969- SO YOU’RE THE CREEP WHO’S BEEN LEAVING THREATS OUTSIDE OUR DOOR?!? I HOPE YOU STEP ON THE PEMBROKE SEAL. My roommate had a nervous breakdown because of you. I’m getting a restraining order.

Also, when I said I was busy, I meant I wasn’t interested. Take a hint.

 

#700010

Update: Your roommate dropped out, so I convinced your house to take me in so there would be no vacancies. We can finally be together!!!!!!!

 

#700023-

Today the girl I loved broke my heart. I write this letter from Barus & Holley, the only labyrinth desolate enough to house the remnants of my heart. I thought the distance between us was our biggest problem, but no physical distance (like not even Pembroke-Perkins) could overcome the distance in your eyes. I hope that someday, years down the line, when the restraining order expires, you’ll see the folly of your ways. I’ll love you forever.

 

#700033-

 This post was flagged due to explicit content.