What makes a classic text “a classic”? In my indisputable, expert opinion it’s when a piece of writing so perfectly encapsulates a feeling that was previously thought to be indescribable. Speaking as a Jew, I can say that “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” is a classic because it is able to instill the feeling of what it is like to be a child on Christmas Eve. Inspired by this work, I have also attempted the impossible with what will soon be declared a classic, no doubt. Behold “‘Twas the Week Before Finals.“
’Twas the week before finals, and all through the school,
All the students were freezing, for the SciLi was cool;
The notes were lined up on the laptop with care,
But so was Facebook, so you know they’ll look there.
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds;
But you’re not a child, and you feel almost dead;
Health Services says eat well and sleep tight,
But an Oreo and an Aderall also feels right.
The Naked Donut Run is said and done,
So you’ve nothing to dream of till holidays come.
Your friends, they are leaving and saying goodbye;
So you study alone, and then just get high.
You should have taken that class S/NC,
Relax, you over-achiever, you’ll still get a B.
“I won’t get a job, I won’t do my best!”
Relax, you monster: It’s only a test.
Your home friends take selfies and post them online,
Stop looking and study and you’ll be just fine;
My god, get off Buzzfeed or you’re going to fail,
Stop procrastinating by checking your mail!