I asked everyone to leave so we could have our privacy.
Dear Sayles Hall,
How are you? For 133 years old, you’re looking great. You’ve been a loving host to student group rehearsals, SPEC events, and The Housing Games (RIP). Heck, you have even been to SPG! Have I mentioned you have the largest remaining Hutchings-Votey pipe organ in the world?! Seriously, thnks4themmrs and way to be you.
Hey, there is something I’ve wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been on staff here at BlogDH for three years and have never written a Flog. I’ve never really wanted to because I hate complaining and I seek to see the glass half-full as frequently as possible. Until now.
I’m quite bad at confrontation and don’t want this to come as a shock to you. Please bear with me as I try to express my feelings. I will even try to speak from the “I” perspective. What I’ve been meaning to tell you is that your bathrooms are literally the worst thing about this entire institution for higher learning.
Was that too harsh?
Let me explain myself. We can start by talking about the location of your facilities. Your only bathrooms are located in the basement of the building, which is an absurd amount of steps away from your third floor
dungeon. I could also get into all of the sense that your stairs lack, but I digress.
Given my abnormally small bladder, I always face this dilemma as to whether I should commit myself to hiking the literal Oregon Trail to get to your facilities or if I should just suffer the bladder discomfort. Also, seriously my bad if I’m taking this the wrong way, but it seems that you are proud of this trek and wear it as a badge of honorable character. You really shouldn’t, Sayles. I dare you to have one more sign telling me that your only bathrooms are located in the basement. Also stop sugar-coating it by calling it “the lower level.” It is the basement.
Sure, Family Weekend can be great. It likely entails reunions with loved ones and good meals. It will also probably alleviate some of that homesickness you have been feeling lately in this perpetual grey-ness that is October in Providence.
But there are also aspects of having your family descend upon College Hill that are likely to disrupt your daily life and independence here at Brown. We’re here to listen, so tell us: what part of Family Weekend are you most dreading?
Recently, fellow blogger Ari Snider ’18 wrote a lovely post about the struggles of being an Andrews resident. He touched on the many issues of life in such a swanky dorm, including distractingly large windows and lackluster water pressure in his personal sink. (True travesties, I know.) After reading the post, I felt it would only be fitting to give some attention to Brown’s largest (and best) freshmen dorm: Keeney. So, without further ado, here are the 10 biggest Keeney problems:
1. Not being able to swipe into any of the other houses. One of the greatest aspects of life in Keeney is being so close to so many other freshmen. The residential complex used to be completely conjoined; residents were able to access all parts of the dorm by either walking across the quad and swiping in or by simply walking through the hallways (hence the infamous “Keeney crawl”). Renovations in recent years gave the quad a much-needed facelift; changes included re-vamped interiors, brand-new lounges and laundry facilities, a pristine fitness center, and the splitting off of the dorm into three distinct “houses.” While many of the renovations are awesome, this last one has proven to be incredibly infuriating. Though the division of the dorm does foster a greater sense of community in each house, the inability of residents to access other houses is quite a let-down. Imagine having a friend who lives in the same building as you and having to ask that friend to swipe you into their section of the same building. It’s extremely annoying.
2. Never knowing what to expect when going to the bathroom. See above.
3. Paper-thin walls. People can hear everything from the hallways, from casual conversations to the Taylor Swift jams you play in your room at 7am on a Tuesday.
Parents outside of their natural habitat.
With midterms and destructive squirrels taking up most of our energy, it’s hard to think ahead to this weekend when Brunonia will be alive with parents and families. While some of us may be primarily focused on getting our ‘rents to cover our many expenses, others may be worried about what the hell they’re supposed to do with a bunch of parents on a college campus. Never fear! There’s no need to spend actual quality time with your parents, for Brown’s clubs and activities have come together to give us a weekend packed with sporting events, brunches, and cleverly named concerts (I’m looking at you, a cappella) to drag your families to. Check our comprehensive list of every single thing you can do with your family this weekend.
Friday, October 24
4:00 p.m. Center for the Study of Slavery and Justice Building Dedication & Opening and Black Experiences at Brown: A Visual Narrative Exhibition Opening Reception, 94 Waterman Street
Visit the new home of the Center for the Study of Slavery and Justice. Address by the one and only president emerita Ruth J. Simmons.
6:00 p.m. PW presents 3C2C (3 Chairs, 2 Cubes)
A festival of new plays in the PW Downspace
6:30 p.m. Musical Forum’s Family Weekend Revue, Alumnae Hall Crystal Room
Join Musical Forum as in their annual Family Weekend Revue, featuring songs from hit musicals and movies.
7:30 p.m. Brown Madrigal Singers Family Weekend Concert
Students walking across Pembroke on Monday got a firsthand look at the circle of life in action, and were reminded how much it sucks to be at the bottom of the food chain.
Squirrels have been getting way out of hand lately. Fortunately, there’s a new sheriff in town to keep Brown’s furry denizens in line. A red-tailed hawk has been hanging around Pembroke campus recently, eating squirrels and attracting crowds of interested students. But who is this hawk? Where is it from? What is it doing here? I climbed up the tree to meet the bird behind the feathers.
BlogDailyHerald: Hey there, mind if I share the branch with you?
Hawk: Sure, there’s plenty of room up here! But don’t touch my squirrel [indicates shredded squirrel carcass lying across branch].
Hawk: Seriously, if you touch my squirrel I will gouge out your eyeballs.
BlogDH: Okay okay, I understand. So, how’s your day going?
Hawk: Oh you know, typical Monday. Took care of a few things around the nest this morning, then went out hunting. I was still a little groggy from the weekend, so I wasn’t on top of my game. Luckily this sucker [prods squirrel carcass with talon] was wandering around in the middle of the green like he owned the place. Easy money.
It is easy to lie to your family over the phone: “Oh yeah mom everything is going well, can I call you back in a minute? I’m just finishing up some homework,” you say, as you and your roommate and try frantically to put out a fire that you started when you tried to light each other’s farts. Or to make it seem like you have things under control over text.”Hey dad, I spent all my money on books. Can you send me some more?” you send, as your drug dealer holds you at gun-point in the Blue Room sandwich line. You’ve been living on the edge, taking no prisoners, and are definitely still overwhelmed and confused. That’s normal (right???), and having your parents around for a weekend may seem daunting, but there are some easy tips to staying ahead of your shifty, nosey, and overbearing parentals. The last thing you want is another lecture; you’re in college now and are way too cool/don’t have time for that.
Step 1: Be ready for an interrogation
Here are two different hypothetical conversations, one not prepared, and one prepared, between my mom and me. Learn from me to avoid mistakes and your mom’s wrath.