Meal Plan Is A Scam

Extra, extra: Meal plan is a scam. (If meal plan is a part of your financial aid package, please read until the end.)

Here’s the meal plan situation by the numbers:

When examining these numbers, take into consideration that millennials spend an average of $237 dollars on groceries per month, which comes to about $2.67 per meal (assuming three meals a day). If you’re still not shocked, take into account that these numbers assume that you have no points or credits left at the end of the semester (which, I’ve never personally witnessed), and that you never spend a penny eating out.

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Pre-Registration for Dummies

A How-To for Those who Have No Clue What They’re Doing

Step 1: Put off doing actual homework by scouring the hundreds of course offerings on C@B for way longer than necessary.

Step 2: Get so over-excited about every class you read about that you consider changing your concentration.

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Reasons You Should Vote

In case you somehow live under a rock (and if you do, trust me, I approve! It’s safer there.), you should know that Midterms are on the way! Wait, before you yell at us for inducing yet another panic attack, we mean the 2018 Midterm elections are on Tuesday, November 6th. In case you’re not already psyched to perform your civic duty, here are a few reasons you should vote (and info on how to):

1. You Might Meet your soulmate while in the line:

Tired of meaningless interactions with people on shady dating apps like Tinder, Bumble or even Datamatch? Does your lack of success during cuffing season have you down? The line to your polling place might be that one place where you might meet your soulmate. What are the odds of that? Idk, I can’t math, but are you really willing to risk it?

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WHY THE F@CK IS IT COLD AND SUNNY

I understand that the title may have betrayed a few aspects of my identity— yes, I’m from Florida; yes, I was born in California; yes, I’m obnoxious. But I resent that Providence’s temperature has been turned into a disgusting display of identity politics. I’m tired of my Northern brethren sneering at my plight— only after I tell them from where I hail. Northern or southern, rural Montana mountaineer or Bay area bro— are we not all human? Do we not all bleed red when cut? Do we not all have functioning nervous systems capable of recognizing how cruel the Providence wind can be?

Look, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not one of those southerners, I did my research. I didn’t show up to Brown with a single pair of sandals in hand and a few pastel colored shorts, naively expecting the Northeast to cater to me. No, I perused Winter Coat Weekly for months before deciding on my perfect synthetic feather-filled friend. I weathered the jeers of my friends as I asked them innocent questions like “Why can’t I just wear my jean jacket?” I did my due diligence, all in the efforts to keep myself toasty in the icy winter months.

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Top 10 Sitcom Halloween Specials

October is upon us, which means that Halloween is rapidly approaching. To celebrate the spookiest time of the year, I thought it would be a good time to rank the top ten Halloween-themed sitcom episodes of all time.

10) Friends – Season 8, Episode 6: The One with the Halloween Party

Friends may be an overrated show (you heard me), but their one Halloween special suffices. Most of this episode is pretty meh honestly, but it is saved by the most unlikely of sources: Ross. His “Spud-nik” costume – a cross between a potato and the Russian satellite Sputnik – is probably the most ridiculously hilarious costume from any character on this list. And he puts it to good use, besting the pink bunny suit-wearing Chandler in the most depressing arm-wrestling contest ever shown on television.

Spooktacular Quote: “Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and now I have to give you free stuff?” – Rachel


9) Freaks and Geeks – Season 1, Episode 3: Tricks and Treats

The arrival of Halloween causes a panic among parents and kids alike here, as rumors circulate that hippies have been infusing heroin into candy bars in an anti-establishment political statement. Though only on the air for one season, Freaks and Geeks quickly found its niche of walking the fine line between significant coming-of-age moments and equally significant fits of awkwardness. With Lindsay beginning her transition between friend groups and Sam experiencing the tribulations of trick-or-treating as 9th grader, this episode achieves both.

Spooktacular Quote: “Rich people traditionally give out the cheapest candy. That’s how they stay rich.” – Neal


8) The Office – Season 8, Episode 5: Spooked

It took a lot of courage for me to choose a post-Michael Scott Office episode, but hear me out. Season 8 MVPs — Erin, Robert California, and Gabe, in that order — are each given their chance to shine here, with Erin at her most poignant, Robert at his most mind-boggling, and Gabe at his most insane. It is a touching episode that is contrasted with Gabe’s horrifyingly hilarious Cinema of the Unsettling. Couple this with a newfound bromance between Dwight and Robert California’s ten-year-old son Burt, and we have an unforgettable Dunder Mifflin Halloween celebration.

Spooktacular Quote: “You don’t live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.” – Creed


7) It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Season 6, Episode 7: Who Got Dee Pregnant?

Most of the time, all It’s Always Sunny has to do to make me laugh is give Danny DeVito something funny to wear and have him waddle around a bit. In this episode, his Man-spider costume (not to be confused with Spiderman) fits the bill. Beyond that, though, this one belongs to the McPoyle’s: Liam McPoyle chugging a glass of milk and screaming “YOU WILL CALL HER!” to Mac after he slept with Liam’s sister will never not be funny.

Spooktacular Quote: “Without my Mario I’m just a creepy, Italian plumber. I look like an asshole here.” – Dennis


6) How I Met Your Mother – Season 1, Episode 6: Slutty Pumpkin

From Ted’s hanging chad costume to the random Angel just trying to get some weed, “Slutty Pumpkin” is an absolute classic. Ted has always been a hopeless romantic, and his attempt to reunite with the penguin-loving, pumpkin-wearing Antarctic voyager who supposedly invented mixing Kahlua with root beer is probably the most blatant example of that. Elsewhere, Barney and Robin’s respective escapades remind us how much better the show was before they got together (This is almost a hot take, but not quite).

Spooktacular Quote: “We love tiramisu. Am I wrong for saying that?” – Mike “Well it’s not really a group activity, is it?” – Robin


5) Curb Your Enthusiasm – Season 2, Episode 3: Trick or Treat

Like any Curb episode, Larry David’s social miscues get him into trouble with a number of furious adversaries. To name a few: he unintentionally whistles a song written by Hitler’s favorite composer in front of a Jewish man, refuses to give candy to kids who appear to be above the trick-or-treating age threshold, and substitutes out every cobb salad ingredient in front of the grandson of the inventor of cobb salad (turns out he was lying). Unlike most Curb episodes, though, this one sees Larry get his rightful revenge in an epic finale.

Spooktacular Quote: With all due respect, Officer, you are not bald. You’ve chosen to shave your hair, and that’s a look you’re cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don’t really consider you part of the bald community…with all due respect.” – Larry


4) Community – Season 2, Episode 6: Epidemiology

I’m a simple man. If you give me multiple ABBA songs in your Halloween special soundtrack, I will rank you higher up on the list. After some mystery meat turns everyone at a costume party into zombies — and “S.O.S” transitions seamlessly into “Dancing Queen” — hilarity ensues as everything devolves into absolute chaos. Come for the jumpy cat that steals the show, and stay for Ken Jeong trying to bait unsuspecting partygoers into racism by wearing a Peggy Fleming costume (he’s not Michelle Kwan or Kristi Yamaguchi, of course).

Spooktacular Quote: “Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up or I’m gonna make a pie.” – Shirley

3) Parks and Recreation – Season 2, Episode 7: Greg Pikitis

The Joker leaves behind a playing card, the “Wet Bandits” from Home Alone leave the faucets running, and Greg Pikitis leaves a peach pit. All of these supervillains know how to make their mark after a crime, and I’ll be damned if Pikitis isn’t the dastardliest of them all. Leslie Knope would certainly agree, as she spends the entirety of this episode ruthlessly trying to arrest her teenage foe. I still can’t believe the bastard hired a fake mother to bail him out. Brilliant.


Spooktacular Quote: “Look – I’ve been very civil so far. But I will waterboard you!” – Leslie

2) Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Season 4, Episode 5: Halloween IV

Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s annual tradition of Halloween-themed heist episodes made it difficult for me to pinpoint the best of the bunch, but, after agonizing over the decision for minutes, I have concluded that the fourth installment reigns supreme. The MVP of the episode is undoubtedly Captain Holt, who is an energetic force unlike ever seen before – viciously breaking through a glass window, threatening to slit Jake and Amy’s bodies from mouth to anus, and constantly referring to Boyle as a “porkchop”. With an elaborate con dating back to the 4th grade by Gina, and Jake hiring a sketchy guy to pretend to be Boyle, this is Brooklyn Nine-Nine at its absolute best.

Spooktacular Quote: “I’m the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice, soft face so I don’t intimidate the other husbands.” – Fake Boyle


1) Modern Family – Season 2, Episode 6: “Halloween”

Modern Family now is not nearly the show it once was, but this episode is a reminder that it was once an unbeatable entity come awards’ season. The Dunphy family attempts to put on a haunted house for trick- or-treaters, but Claire’s valiant efforts are ruined by a number of factors, including Gloria suddenly losing her accent, Phil desperately trying to rekindle a marriage that has shown no signs of needing rekindling, and Haley dressing up as “Mother Theresa before she was hot”. The episode’s peak, though, is Mitch rappelling down a drainage pipe in a Spiderman costume after finding out that the only people in his office who dress up for Halloween are “tools and douches”.

Spooktacular Quote: “Unfortunately, Halloween for me personally was marred by an incident long ago. Now it’s just a day I have to get through.” – Cam

 


Recommended Midterm Playlist

In case you somehow are still unaware of your impending doom, we’re here to remind you that IT’S MIDTERM SEASON AGAIN! WOO-HOO! Here’s a playlist, with some tweaks to the wonderful lyrics that we know and love, which can help you make sense of things got this bad…

Shopping Period: It’s early in the semester, and you have no cares in the world. All that is on your mind is making sure your friends know how much dough you earned while interning at this weird tech company. Your naïvete is adorable.

September (Earth, Wind, and Fire):

Do you remember the 21st night of September?

Love was changing the minds of pretenders

While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing

In the key that our souls were singing

As we danced in the night

Remember how the stars stole the night away

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