The People You Will Meet @Spring Weekend

The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella

We all know this girl. She has on a very cute outfit. A patterned romper, maybe, or a bra reimagined as a crop top. Her makeup is on fleek, and her winged eyeliner almost hides the fact that her eyes are those of a dead person. She is on Molly that her BFF shipped her from San Diego, and she is absolutely vibing to the music, dancing to the wrong beat. Her friends have lost her, and she is making out with one of her boyfriends. Once her friends find her, they will probably try to take her home, but she will resist and run away from them. After scarfing down pizza at 5pm and falling asleep with all of her makeup on, she will not make it to the afterparty that night.

The Babysitter

A friend of The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella, this girl is pissed. She has taken two shots before she entered the Main Green, and she is already sobering up. You will find this girl standing on the peripheries of the crowd, profusely texting her group chat or yelling at someone on the phone. She refuses to skip the bathroom line and has been waiting in it for twenty minutes while attempting to stabilize her drunk friend. She is having SO.MUCH.FUN.—she promises.

The Dude Who Hates This Scene And Is Only Here To Appreciate The Music

This dude knew Whitney before they were relevant, and will tell this to anyone who will listen. He is interchangeably ripping his dab and vape pens and is clearly chill as fuck. He can’t wait to go home after this to play the guitar, write shitty poetry, and cry.

The Frat Boy(s)

They will be traveling in a pack, wearing khaki shorts. They will say they fucking love DRAM but have yet to realize that DRAM has sung songs other than “Broccoli.” Otherwise, they are pretty confused about the lineup this year. Why couldn’t we have gotten Migos, dude?

The Gross Couple

This couple thinks Whitney’s music is so romantic. “Dave’s Song” just completely encapsulates their feelings for each other and they will therefore be making out throughout the entirety of the concert and will have a quiet night in while their friends are at the club. Wait, is he straight up grabbing her ass right now? I can’t.

The People Who Definitely Just Met But Are Grosser Than The Gross Couple

Like, I get that the middle of a crowd is the most romantic place to examine the inside of each others mouths, but can we try to keep it PG over here?

The Injured Bitch

This bitch got her foot run over by the Uber she took over from Pembroke and will show everyone her disgusting bruise and cuts because #attention. She will later ask a random boy to put her on his shoulders. He will proceed to drop her on the ground, giving her a concussion. She will spend the second day of Spring Weekend in Health Services.

Your Mean Friend On Coke

This girl yelled at a cop and almost got her entire squad kicked out of the concert. She is bitching at her friends, one of whom is crying. After about an hour, she will make her friends leave early because the comedown is freaking her out. When she gets home, she will punch a wall, cry, fix her makeup, and get ready to go out again for the night.

The Angry Security Guard

After nearly kicking out Your Mean Friend On Coke, The Angry Security Guard has decided that he fucking hates teenagers and is considering dropping everything and moving to Peru. Tragically, he will end his day with throw up on his shoes.

The Dude Who Is Overly Committed To Spring Weekend

This kid buried a bottle of vodka on the Main Green last week and is currently trying to dig it up. He made sure to get his Molly tested weeks ago and has listened to no other music than that of the Spring Weekend acts all month.

What in Tarnation!: a look ahead at weird courses for fall 2018

Defense Against the Dark Arts in the Ancient World

Not only did Emma Watson go here, but we literally have a class called Defense Against the Dark Arts. It’s pretty obvious that Brown is the site of a massive underground conspiracy to hide a wizard college in plain sight. I mean, look at this lineup for the spring semester.

I get it, we go to the Muggle part of Hogwarts, it’s fine, I’m not still seething from never getting my letter when I was little.

 

Of Dice and Men

For all those people looking for a fun class, you’ve found it. It does, however, make one wonder at how professors and departments decide courses.

Professor Walsh: Hey, how do you think I could get the department to pay for a bunch of board games?

Chair: If you teach a class on it, you could always make a request as long as it’s not too…

Dr. Walsh: ON IT!!

This sounds like the perfect class for board game enthusiasts and people who need a bit of a break.

 

Life in a Shell

For all those sophomores looking for a fun STEM class to supplement their schedule (@orgo people please be ok) or just people with a predilection towards turtles, this is the class for you. The Critical Review estimates that for the low price of around 3 hours a week, you too can learn all about turtles. With luck, you’ll be able to identify Mitch McConnell’s species at the end!

 

Introduction to Sleep

This is class that everyone at Brown should definitely at least shop or think about shopping to better acquaint themselves with the whole sleep schedule thing–especially considering its 2.8 hour weekly workload. This class will certainly help students maintain some semblance of order in their sleep schedule.

Freshman First Semester Me: Well of course I’ll keep up a good sleep schedule! I’m very responsible!

Grizzled Second-Semester Me, @ 2:34 am, working on problem set: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

 

Before Wikipedia

Ah Wikipedia, the only reason I’ve ever semi-successfully written an essay. If you want to learn more about how people did homework before the internet, this is the way (although it should honestly be tagged under archeology).

 

The Jazz of Modern Physics

You heard it right the first time. The Jazz of Physics. Not the Physics of Jazz. If you want to get roasted every second of every day by physics majors, take this course as you learn how physics is jazz?

I certainly hope you do.

Spring Weekend 2018 Crash Course

Spring Weekend is finally here, and the question that many of us have for this year’s performers is:

 

Though this year’s lineup is full of amazing and diverse artists, you may not know their music well yet.. SO, what do we need to know about this year’s artists?

 

Friday, 4/27

Rico Nasty:

There’s nothing ~chill~ about Rico Nasty’s music. Get ready for some upbeat rap and hip-hop music you can dance to. With songs like “Smack a Bitch,” “Poppin,” and “Rick and Morty,” Rico Nasty will be sure to bring intense energy to the Spring Weekend stage.

 

DRAM.:

A name you probably recognize, D.R.A.M. (an acronym for Does Real Ass Music) has had a few major rap hits such as “Broccoli” and “Cash Machine.” Get ready for good vibes and a whole lot of fun when this artist takes the stage!

 

NAO:

With a mix of R&B vocals and electronic beats, NAO will bring the funky presence that will round out the first day of Spring Weekend. With upbeat jams like “Fool To Love” and chiller songs like “Bad Blood,” NAO’s eclectic vibe will definitely keep things exciting.

 

Saturday, 2/27

 

Rina Sawayama:

This London-based singer is awesomely weird and will bring an exciting, high energy sound to day 2 of Spring Weekend. Get ready to dance to songs like “Cyber Stockholm Syndrome”

 

Whitney:

This indie-rock band is the perfect acoustic addition to this year’s lineup. The band’s first album Light Upon the Lake is full of popular songs,  such as “No Woman,” “Polly,” and “Dave’s Song.” Their music is easy, relaxing, and folky. I’m not crying in the club, you are…

 

Anderson Paak:

Last but not least is this year’s headliner, Anderson Paak. With his recent hit, “Bloody Waters,” featured on the “Black Panther” soundtrack, the rapper has made a name for himself. His unique sound is one to get excited for! Check out songs like “Silicon Valley” and “GLOWED UP” to get a sense of the artist’s eclectic sound.