Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and give thanks. Re-watching The Emperor’s New Groove made me (and hopefully you too) consider four things to be especially thankful for.
Everyone loves you
You are the emperor of an undisclosed land
I don’t know about you, but I run a vast empire and plan on building a new summer palace on top of a charming village filled with wholesome people, because I am a selfish man who doesn’t know right from wrong. People cannot throw off my groove. People cannot touch me. Life is good. If that sentiment rings true for you, you have something to be thankful for: immense wealth and no moral compass. And no one is trying to dethrone you.
You are a great cook
Thanksgiving is about the food, let’s be real. Family is nice. Your own bed is nice. But food is forever. You’ll eat it until the day you die, so you might as well be a crazy good chef. Your spinach puffs are on point, and you should be thankful.
You are a human
Let’s be honest. Humans are lucky because we have TV (among other things). And we really don’t make up that much of the living things on earth. Scientists say that 86% of the species on earth might not have been discovered yet, and there are already like, a lot. You know? And we’re pretty new on a geological time scale. It would suck to be a llama, for example. That was pretty arbitrary. But even a cat. You have two legs and words, so you’re doing alright, and should express your gratitude.
Who’s got thumbs?
If you’ve ever explored around the Hay, you might have noticed a seemingly average door on the second floor. A little plaque marks: “Smith Magic Room.” But upon reaching for the handle, you realize it’s locked.
Recently, I took a tour of the Smith Magic room, a collection of books and paraphernalia donated by alumnus H. Adrian Smith ’30. Smith was an engineering student who paid his way through school by performing as a magician. By 1948, he was elected national president of the International Brotherhood of Magicians and had already starting collecting all things magicana. His collection, what amounts to possibly the second largest magic collection in the world, was left to Brown.
By now, you’ve probably walked by Orly Genger’s YOU, a.k.a. that gigantic mass of lobster rope on the Quiet Green. The structure, which is allegedly a work of “public art,” wraps around a tree at one end and extends towards the Van Wickle Gates at the other. Viewers are drawn to the structure’s unique contour, layout, and location–features they naïvely attribute to Genger’s artistic vision. “After all,” they assume, “what else would explain it? It was purely her decision–it’s not like there was an ulterior motive behind her design.”
Or was there?
The sculpture suspiciously resembles a number of other very interesting objects, which begs the question: what is the real purpose behind Orly Genger’s YOU?
Here are some possible explanations:
I’m not saying that this happened, but…
Possibility #1: President Paxson’s personal street-luge practice course. If you had the opportunity, would you learn to luge? You would, wouldn’t you? For that matter, wouldn’t anyone…even President Paxson? Enter: YOU. At second glance, it’s glaringly obvious that the structure is actually a miniature practice course for President Paxson to use when she doesn’t have enough time to get away from the office and go to the nearest street-luge practice facility.
In the ongoing coverage of the NFL’s mishandling of domestic violence cases, the women affected have been eerily silent (or silenced). But The New York Times‘ “N.F.L. Left Women Feeling Trapped in Domestic Abuse, Ex-Wives Say,” attempts to both explain how they were silenced and to give them a voice.
Mercedes Sands, wife of former Bengals player Robert Sands.
After Taylor Swift removed 1989, her new
horrible album, from Spotify, discussions regarding Spotify’s role in the music world were amplified (aha!). This discussion is expertly captured in the New Yorker‘s “Revenue Streams,” which asks the question: is Spotify the music industry’s friend or foe?
The New York Times‘ “Mishandling Rape” is a nuanced discussion of how rape allegations should be processed at universities. It’s an important read, especially leading up to tomorrow’s Janus Forum event and President Paxson’s alternate event.
The Atlantic‘s “What 200 Calories of Every Food Looks Like” is surely the most depressing read on the Internet this week. Spoiler alert: 200 calories = actually two bites of a bagel.
By far the most important internet content of the week is the Huffington Post‘s interview with Kel Mitchell, of Keenan and Kel fame. No, he’s not dead!
A conversation captured by Complex, on video and in text, between rapper Wale and Jerry Seinfeld about their friendship, the state of the music world, and the relationship between comedy and music is a must-see/read.
Listen up, kiddos: Father Winter is here and he’s not going to move his fat frigid ass until April. But fret not. The key to enjoying winter is to dress warmly, and the key to dressing warmly is to wear long underwear. Though long underwear is traditionally worn on the legs, it works almost anywhere on the body. Here are a few suggestions that will keep you feeling warm and looking cool all winter long:
Legend holds that this classic looks dates back to the Tudor Dynasty. A long underwear scarf functions much like a normal scarf, but is lighter and more sexy.
2. Outdoor Hand Warmers
Main Green is deserted in winter because most people can’t stand the cold. But if you arm yourself with thermals, you’ll have the quad all to yourself on those clear November days.
3. Pippi Long Johns
Forgot your hat at home? No worries. Just whip out your thermals and put ‘em on your noggin. The elastic waist band makes for a snug fit while the legs offer endless braiding opportunities. Continue Reading
Every woman should own at least one good vibrator. And though I’m like a kid in a candy store at a sex shop, I can understand how the experience of shopping for a vibrator may be uncomfortable for first-time buyers. Well, fortunately, we live in a world where purchases can be made online and shipped in discrete packaging. And we live in a world where vibrators have become pretty fucking high tech, too.
So, what are some cool vibrators out there that can be ordered online? Here are a few to look into.
For the exhausted, yet insatiably horny college student: The Little Rooster a.k.a. the vibrator alarm clock. What better way to give your groggy early morning self a boost than with some friendly nether-region pleasure?
For couples: Many women have difficulty achieving orgasm without clitoral stimulation. However, this sad reality is currently in the process of being ameliorated by an indiegogo campaign. You may have read about about this hands-free vibrator already, as it has been flounced across several online media sites; however, the fact that you have not given the $95 to secure one means there is something wrong. It’s called Eva and I could not be more excited for mine to arrive this coming May.
For the person who doesn’t want to spend too much money: I am a fan of any Lelo product, but the fact that they have put their name on a vibrator that’s only $30, the Intimina, means that you’re still going to be getting a high quality crotch rocket. Oh, and it’s waterproof.
For the uber-geek: I love novelty USB drives. A 16GB USB drive that doubles as a vibrator? Yes, please.