SNL’s Stefon’s Guide to Summer

If the Hangover, Godfather, and Spider-Man franchises taught us anything, it was that you can never ruin something great by doing it not once, not twice, but three times. So, here is Stefon is back to give you the hottest tips on the hottest parties for what is sure to be the hottest summer ever (#globalwarming #parties).

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If you don’t know who Stefon is yet, that means you have no life and don’t enjoy laughter; it also means that you don’t read my blog posts, which is hurtful, rude, and you should just leave. Stefon’s return to Blog marks the end of the year, and the beginning of summer. I (Hank as Stefon) could not be more excited for summer, so without further ado, here is a list of hot parties (pun very much intended) to look out for this summer.

The hottest party this summer is… pool party. Everyone has that one friend they pretend to be friends with because they have a pool. So make sure to text that loser and act like you are interested in how their year was and secure yourself an invite to their above ground pool now. Cool off poolside, with some skunked beers from the trunk of your friend’s dad’s car, your swim shirt (not because you aren’t comfortable with your body, but because surfers wear them, and surfers are cool, just like you), and deflated floaties. Pools are dope, and so are you, so why would’t you kick it poolside? Nothing is more fun then swimming through all the dead leaves and bugs floating on the top of the water! Fun pool games include trying to hold your breath underwater for five minutes, belly flop contests, and swimming the butterfly.

A good example of a pool party

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PollerBears: It’s finals week…

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Everyone knows it takes about four unproductive hours for every productive hour of work. It’s all part of the ~process~. Are you being productive right now or do you just look like you’re being productive right now? We need to know.

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Sextion: Lana’s Senior Send-Off

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Then + Now

In our last American Presidency lecture, Wendy Schiller (one of my favorite professors at Brown/people in the entire world) took our final moments together as a class to talk about life and love. One of her main theses was, “If someone is mean to you, they don’t love you.” And with that one thought, I knew what I would write my Senior Send-Off about. Throughout my tenure at Blog, I have tried to back up my articles with real anecdotes from my own life. With this one, my last, I am going to attempt to sum up everything about love and sex that I have learned in the last few years. Most importantly, I want to make clear that loving and respecting yourself is the key to finding your own internal happiness, and as a result, finding the love you deserve.

When I entered college (what feels like eons ago), 15 pounds lighter than I had been in high school and with a blank slate, I was determined to set myself up for romantic success. I flirted hard, and DFMO’d harder. I definitely wanted a significant other, but I had to admit: the adventure along the way was pretty fun. I became comfortable with other people seeing me naked. I lost my virginity. I perfected my blow job technique. I took everything that happened in stride, whether it was someone I had hooked up with blowing me off, or doing the same to someone interested in me. I was exploring entirely new territory and was happy to take the battle scars along the way.

Sophomore year, things started to shift. It was harder to just ignore that hurt feeling when someone treated me with less respect than I knew I deserved. That lack of respect was far-reaching: from one person who consistently ignored my texts until it was convenient for him, to one guy I had been dating for two months telling me he actually already had a girlfriend who didn’t go to school with us. “You’re so fun and great,” they would all tell me, “but I don’t want anything serious right now.” I put up with it because I wanted that affirmation that I had craved for so long. Maybe they would come around eventually, I rationalized.

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Last Call: Hillary Jacobson

Then + Now

Then + Now

As the semester progresses at the speed of light, the senior class is beginning to make peace with that fateful day in May: Commencement. Until the class of 2015 leaves us, BlogDH wants to highlight all the interesting things they’ve been up to. To this end, we’re (re)starting the series Last Call, which features seniors reflecting on their experiences at Brown. Each featured senior will tag another senior for the next installment. Find this year’s other “Last Call” chain here and our RISD “Last Call” chain here.

People might know me as… that girl that reads super quickly? It’s something that seems so normal to me, but never ceases to fascinate others.

In my time at Brown, I am most proud of… my friends. They are kind, thoughtful, inclusive, genuine, fun, weird and love to eat. They are my explanation to anyone who asks if I’m happy I chose Brown. I’m proud to know them.

On Friday night, you might find yourself… at the end of one of two extremes. Either reading a book and falling asleep by 9 or seeking out a party with friends.

Three things you wish you knew freshman year…

  1. You can declare your concentration anytime, not just second semester sophomore year. The earlier you declare, the sooner you get a concentration advisor who can help you navigate the concentration.
  2. Ran Zan on Hope St. They actually have acceptable sushi with fresh fish. It makes me crazy that I went through almost all of Brown not knowing this.
  3. 90% of the boys you will have a crush on will turn out to be gay.

Ratty vs. V-Dub… No eatery on campus offers enough healthy options, although the oatmeal at both the Ratty and the V-Dub, and the salmon at the Ratty are surprisingly wonderful.

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Final Papers and You: A question of tone

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Pictured: An Adjunct

 

Academic writing is notorious for being dry as a desert. We’ve all felt our eyes glaze over during a particular sentence in an assigned reading. Our pen hangs in the air, paralyzed by indecision. What do we underline? Everything? Nothing? What’s the important information here? Resigned to our defeat, we move on to the next sentence, hoping we haven’t strolled right past something significant.

This is the path that will lead to rereading until you realize that you don’t know dick about what the paper was trying to communicate. Now, imagine for a moment that you are a professor (or, to be truthful, a professor’s lowly squire). You’ve been assigned a whole stack of student papers to grade. In a fate crueler than any Lucifer could design, you must sift through a mound of stilted undergrad academic prose. Visions of banned stimulants dance in your head, then vanish. You begin to think fondly of the good old prehistoric days, when language consisted mostly of pointing, grunting, and screeching. What a world it was, untarnished by the verb “facilitate.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Academic writing doesn’t need to have its mailing address in its own rectum to communicate its points in a clear and articulate fashion. If you’re arguing a point, it can be made in lively and interesting splendor. If you’re analyzing a text, you don’t have to drain the blood from the entire work. There’s room for levity and entertainment.

We must acknowledge, though, that not every paper will be a barrel of laughs. Perhaps your subject matter is very grim, and you don’t trust yourself with dark humor. Perhaps you’re writing a research paper, and there’s not much breathing room for creativity. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Still, depending on what it is you’re trying to accomplish with your writing, you just might be able to brighten someone’s day. That said, there are different standards for different assignments.

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PSA: Survivor Season 32, Vote Now

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Season 32 of Survivor has an all-new theme: Second Chance players! And CBS and Jeff Probst are letting us, the fans, decide who the cast will be from a group of contestants who didn’t win their first time around.

How does this apply to you, as a Brown student/parent/alum?

As I’m sure most of you who are following the current season know (SPOILER ALERT) that awesome Brown alums Shirin ’05 and Max ‘99 were both voted off the current season of Survivor: Worlds Apart. Max was pretty brutally blindsided and Shirin was bullied until she eventually met her end, which was hard to watch. I’m sure they were very appreciative for all of your Twitter/Facebook love this season.

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Want to show them some more love? Fortunately for us, they were both fun enough to watch to be candidates to return.

Tap into your Brunonian spirit and vote for Max and Shirin to join the cast of Season 32! Also, if you hate those smug Yale students, don’t vote for Stephen Fishbach, class of 2001.

You can vote here, and you can vote once a day. VOTE SHIRIN AND MAX!!!

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Final note, if you truly love Survivor, vote for Shane Powers, national treasure and star of this absurd audition tape.

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