
Get to the life rafts!
I don’t have much time. We don’t have much time. We sophomores have been working hard this semester to keep the Slump at bay. At times it seemed like we had even gained the upper hand. But alas, all of our progress might be for naught. The storm is coming. In fact, I fear it is already upon us.

Hurricane Finals, circa RIGHT NOW.
There is still time to escape, to save yourself before the tempest strikes. You can drop a class anytime before finals. I strongly urge anyone reading this to drop all of their classes IMMEDIATELY, and then walk in a quiet and orderly fashion to the nearest fallout shelter. There should be enough Spam in there to last you until junior year, when it will be safe to come out again.