SNL’s Stefon’s Guide to Summer

If the Hangover, Godfather, and Spider-Man franchises taught us anything, it was that you can never ruin something great by doing it not once, not twice, but three times. So, here is Stefon is back to give you the hottest tips on the hottest parties for what is sure to be the hottest summer ever (#globalwarming #parties).

stefon

If you don’t know who Stefon is yet, that means you have no life and don’t enjoy laughter; it also means that you don’t read my blog posts, which is hurtful, rude, and you should just leave. Stefon’s return to Blog marks the end of the year, and the beginning of summer. I (Hank as Stefon) could not be more excited for summer, so without further ado, here is a list of hot parties (pun very much intended) to look out for this summer.

The hottest party this summer is… pool party. Everyone has that one friend they pretend to be friends with because they have a pool. So make sure to text that loser and act like you are interested in how their year was and secure yourself an invite to their above ground pool now. Cool off poolside, with some skunked beers from the trunk of your friend’s dad’s car, your swim shirt (not because you aren’t comfortable with your body, but because surfers wear them, and surfers are cool, just like you), and deflated floaties. Pools are dope, and so are you, so why would’t you kick it poolside? Nothing is more fun then swimming through all the dead leaves and bugs floating on the top of the water! Fun pool games include trying to hold your breath underwater for five minutes, belly flop contests, and swimming the butterfly.

A good example of a pool party

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Friends describe their spring break adventures as sand-strewn beaches that sparkle with the light of a thousand suns

"The clear turquoise water lapped at my feet like an eager puppy, its salty fingers tickling my toes until I giggled with joy at my perfect tropical spring break."

“The clear turquoise water lapped at my feet like an eager puppy, its salty fingers tickling my perfectly tanned toes until I giggled with joy.”

A rippling sea of familiar faces greets me as I step into the Blue Room, and I sigh with happiness at returning to my beloved university after Spring Break. As I breathe in the sweet spring air scented with freshly baked cookies, I spot my friend through the gaggle of chattering students.

“How was your spring break?!” I cry, my voice high with my lack of caring.

“I went to the Bahamas!” She replies, giddy with excitement, and my face falls. “I lay on the beach and soaked in the beauty of my surroundings for hours on end. The sand sparkled as it reflected the daggers of sunlight like tiny diamonds. The ocean reflected my joy in its leaping waves, while the sun caressed my face until my melanin levels shot up in delight.”

“That sounds amazing!” I say, a fake smile plastered on my pale, melanin-less face. “What else did you do?” Continue Reading