We rewrote Bound 2 in honor of Jesse Watters

Jesse and us

Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.

Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.

O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!

Between drinking games and hard-hitting interviews, BlogDH had almost exhausted our arsenal of potential responses to this guy’s creepy, childish shit. Key word: almost. One thing we hadn’t done is rewrite an infamous Kanye West song to make it applicable to our perverse, long distance love affair with Jesse Watters (a la Seth Rogen and James Franco).

Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.

Jesse, baby, we hope you like it:

Bound 2 (Be on FOX News)

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

 

All the other schools lame and you know it now

When a real school parties, you supposed to frown

 

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

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Rhode Island once again has a Christmas tree

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‘Tis the season for overly dramatic arboreal scuffles.

In response to last year’s flak regarding renaming the 17-foot evergreen in the State House a “Holiday Tree,” Rhode Island’s Governor Chafee ’75 P’14 P’17 has restored the Christmas tree title in a statement issued on Monday.

Rhode Island of all places is a peculiar site for a debate over public religious tokens, considering the Rhode Island Charter of 1663 was the first legal document in the world that completely decoupled church and state in favor of toleration.

However, unsurprisingly, much of the hubbub last year surrounding the name “Holiday Tree” came from none other than Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly. In classic Factor fashion, he sent Jesse Watters up to Providence to ask Brown students for their take on the issue. Watters aired a segment portraying Brown students as the only population in the state that preferred the holiday tree over a Christmas tree, saying that all people he spoke to in Providence preferred the traditional name “except if you go to Brown University.” Continue Reading


Staying afloat in ‘Watters’ World’: A drinking game

jesse-watters-clt

Jesse Watters‘ segment on Nudity in the Upspace will air on the The O’Reilly Factor tonight at 8 p.m. Interesting that he’d choose to air the piece on Wednesday night; the man who admitted he’d do nude yoga naturally knows that Brown students would structure their Whisko pregame plans around the watching the long-awaited ‘Watters’ World’ segment. Accordingly, we created a drinking game (below) to help you maximize your Watters-watching experience. If you’re under 21, play an eating game…? Laundry game? We don’t know; just make your own fun.

A warning to those of you playing who are 21 and older: you’re probably going to get very drunk, because all of the things below are definitely going to happen throughout the segment. Continue Reading


“War on Jesse Watters” continues

Let the saga continue! Apparently, our beloved Jesse Watters – we hate you too – made news this past week on POLITICO for, wait for it, supposedly giving $500 to, wait for it, President Obama’s reelection campaign. Yes, this is the same Jesse Watters who called Obama voters “zombies” and basically implied that all Brown students are atheist foot soldiers in the “War on Christmas.”

This honestly seems a little sketchy (and too funny to be true), but according to the FEC filing report, Watters, or someone with the same name, employer, and address, gave 500 dollars to the Obama Victory Fund 2012 in late September.

We would like to think that all of those times he came to Brown to harass talk with us inspired him to support the elected President before it was cool. Or maybe he just wanted to keep his job, by making fun of a President that he “doesn’t agree with” and by reporting serious and pressing news…like the “War on Christmas.”


Arboreal Apocalypse 2012: We hate you too, Jesse Watters

Jesse Watters, a producer creepy, ambushing, stalker lunatic at The O’Reilly Factor decided to take another trip up to beautiful Providence, Rhode Island to further his mission to prove that all Brown students are radical sex freaks hell-bent on ruining Christmas for “real” Americans. As some of you may remember, this is the same guy that crashed SPG in 2005. This time, however, Watters and Bill O’Reilly have their sights trained on heretical un-believer pagans that infest College Hill. O’Reilly even jokes that “the admissions policy at Brown” asks “do you believe in Christmas?” and doesn’t let you in if you check “yes.”

This isn’t a story. Five days ago when it came out, this wasn’t a story. This has never been a story, regardless of how loudly O’Reilly has decided to scream at people that it is. He also said Jon Stewart is clearly going to hell. Whatever.

But the real reason we’re mad, Jesse Watters, has very little to do with trees, regardless of what you want to call them. Continue Reading


Arboreal Apocalypse 2012: And so it begins…

Grab your secular bulletproof vests and clutch your crucifix a little tighter. The first shot of the annual War on Christmas has been fired, right here in the state of Rhode Island.

That is, if Bill O’Reilly is to be believed.

I mean, this is a man who reports on things called “Supreme Rulings.” We’ve given him too much power to NOT believe him.

In Bill’s Talking Points Memo on Tuesday, he called out Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14 for referring to the big thing with branches and lights in the State House as a “holiday tree,” rather than a dangerously partisan “Christmas tree.” This isn’t the first time this has happened. Last year protesters interrupted some happy kids with a pointedly religious rendition of “O Christmas Tree,” and on Tuesday Bill claimed he’d have people stationed in the crowd as soon as he found out the date of this year’s ceremony. Well, he’s out of luck on that front: in a surprise assault on the forces of the faithful, today Chafee gave a half-hour warning and basically just flipped a switch on the way to lunch, no questions asked.

Think that’s the end of the story? Fool! Holiday skirmishes don’t end that easily. Continue Reading