As morbid as it might be, there are plenty of ways to die at Brown. College is a dangerous place. Winter is a dangerous season. The new Campus Snapstory encourages students to do attention-grabbing things. The buildings are 200 years old. You never know what’s gonna happen, so you may as well be wary of the ways you might find your demise here on campus. Most are uncontrollable, but you may as well know, in case there’s any way to prepare for the danger that lies ahead.
1. Being smushed when the person in front of you on line for the Ratty neglects to hold the door open. Or being blown backwards, flying up, and getting smashed on the inside Ratty doors when those 1,000 mph winds are unleashed while trying to leave. (Basically, you’re screwed pre- and post-Cajun pasta.)
2. In something that looks like a scene from I Am Legend, you are climbing to the third floor in Health Services and the slanted spiral staircase, in slow motion, collapses beneath you.
3. Sledding down College Hill and making a grand entrance right into the below-freezing Providence River. We’re talking a deadly drowning/hypothermia combo.
4. On that note — being impaled by a six-foot dangling icicle.
5. A big disk (is that a light? a fan? a UFO?) that hangs from the Ratty ceiling falls and lands right on your head, creating something that looks like this:
(And obviously you’ll just be sitting there, like, “Oh, bother.”)
The Blue Room is a great place to get a good meal. Where else but the Blue Room can you walk in at10 a.m. and get a chocolate chip muffin, a sushi roll, and an iced coffee? Despite all the love and admiration for the Blue Room, it has one major problem: why won’t we spread cream cheese? I work for BuDS and have never gotten a real answer. This may seem like a ridiculous problem to have with such a great place. Thanks to extensive socratic research and analysis, compiled here are the best theories of why we won’t spread for you.
Rhode Island has put stringent regulations on the cream cheese business.
As many people know, Rhode Island is a
corrupt very particular state. It has laws and regulations that are unique, perhaps, to its Puritanic heritage. Some examples of rational laws in Rhode Island are as follows:
1) It is against the law to throw pickle juice at a trolley.
2) It is against the law to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
These make sense, and they reflect the strict social controls the Ocean State has drafted over the years to uphold its morally sound society. Would it be so crazy to think that Rhode Island passed an anti-cream-cheese-spreading law?
Brown has a financially selfish ulterior motive.
Brown has made some ambitious investments in the butter industry. Brown will take any opportunity it can to deter its students from using cream cheese. Fact.
During many an afternoon in the Blue Room, I have heard Brown students talking about the muffins with the same excitement and pleasure in their voices as their most recent hook-ups. My mind could not help but wander. If the muffins were different sexual positions, what would they be?
Corn muffin = hand job. Seriously, what is the point of a corn muffin? I guess it does the job of satisfying your hunger, but there is little joy to it. Some could say the same about a hand job: takes care of business, but rarely great or memorable. You deserve an upgrade.
Blueberry muffin = missionary. Ordering a blueberry muffin shows little originality, just like the missionary position. Not that it can’t be satisfying, but there is nothing too special about it.
One muffin in a tin of 1,000.
Finals are upon us, which means long, sad nights studying (or crying) in the Rock or SciLi and resulting sleep deprivation. Though it’s unquestionable Brown needs a designated nap-room, here are some prime spots to catch a few Z’s in the midst of finals period.
A Blue Room booth
Though it’s debatably unacceptable to hog a coveted Blue Room booth all to yourself, one of them makes a great, albeit noisy, mid-day nap spot. It fulfills my general life rule to never stray too far from the nearest source of muffins.
Chairs in the SciLi basement
The kidney bean-shaped grey alien chairs in the Friedman Study Center seem designed perfectly for a low-key snooze. The soft suede and gentle curve of the seat gives your body a comforting embrace.
List Art Center couches
Though not as modern or soothing as the SciLi basement’s chairs, the couches on the low trafficked second floor of List provide a comfortable, quiet place to take a quick nap.
Because we at BlogDailyHerald like to watch and pick petty fights on the Internet, we’re borrowing a most excellent series from Gawker Media’s Deadspin. The site has ranked everything from light beers to every age 40 and under, with little to no comment attached. The goal? Not just to give an unearned platform to one author’s totally not authoritative personal opinion, but also to start a conversation. This ranking may be (completely) unscientific, even “useless,” but together I know we can put together a definitive list. Comment with your staunch support or vehement disagreement!
13. Spicy Brown Mustard. It must suck to win the bronze… among the mustards.
12. Chevre Spread. What the fuck is a Chevre?
11. Yellow Mustard. Sure, it’s a classic, but why not live a little?
10. Fat Free Italian. I’m not sure what chemicals had to go into this dressing to make it fat free, but I’m into it.