We rewrote Bound 2 in honor of Jesse Watters

Jesse and us

Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.

Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.

O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!

Between drinking games and hard-hitting interviews, BlogDH had almost exhausted our arsenal of potential responses to this guy’s creepy, childish shit. Key word: almost. One thing we hadn’t done is rewrite an infamous Kanye West song to make it applicable to our perverse, long distance love affair with Jesse Watters (a la Seth Rogen and James Franco).

Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.

Jesse, baby, we hope you like it:

Bound 2 (Be on FOX News)

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

 

All the other schools lame and you know it now

When a real school parties, you supposed to frown

 

Bound to be on Fox News

Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)

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