The consequences of a Brown Admirers post


Ever since the beginning of time last year, Brown Admirers posts have been the highest form of romantic gestures. Nothing says I love you like: To the beautiful beast of a [phe] that shall remain unnamed: that ass. that face. that hair. those lips. those legs. that voice. that smile… I will make you mine for a night.”  Yeah, so, we guess the admirations are kind of hit or miss. In honor of Valentine’s Day, here is a scientific simulation of how we believe the human brain reacts to getting a Brown Admirers shout out.

  1. Your heart skips a beat when you get the notification. All of your dreams are coming true! But this can’t be serious. It’s probably just one of your friends being a troll. Besides, there is no reason to get excited. You didn’t need this meaningless online compliment to tell you that you’re sexy—you know you’re sexy. In fact, you have so much self-confidence that you’re not even going to “like” this silly post.
  2. Of course, you have to check back every couple of hours (read: every 10 minutes) to see how many of your friends liked the post. Having one secret admirer isn’t enough, after all. No, you need to be sure that all of your Facebook constituents agree that you’re worthy of this. Some people get over 100 likes! Why don’t you have that many likes? Do people not think you’re sexy…?
  3. At this point, at least one of your close friends has commented either a) a heartfelt agreement with your admirer or b) “YEA [insert your name here] GET IT!!” Kind of embarrassing but, then again, it would be totally embarrassing if they didn’t comment to show their support.
  4. Now you’re scrolling through the list of people who have liked the post, and then you think, “Damn, is my secret admirer among them?” Liking the post would be the perfect disguise for having been the architect behind it! Maybe you should try harder to find out who it is—you know, throw them a bone. Okay, you’re going to settle for “liking” the post.
  5. Fuck, who is it?! You’ve asked all of your friends and nobody is giving you any answers. If this is a big prank, it will be soul crushing—I mean, not that you care. It’s just a stupid Facebook post… You could comment on it to try and draw the perpetrator out. Is that too desperate? Not if it’s witty. Dammit, WHY CAN’T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING WITTY TO SAY RIGHT NOW? Continue Reading

Paging Brown Admirers: The (love) doctors are in

Try to think back to your middle school years. Among the several airbrushed sweatshirts, Black Eyed Peas hits, and rounds on rounds of Icy Tower, there was was the all-knowing and infallible Love Calculator that would help you determine the likelihood that you and your crush (<3) would end up ~together 4ever.~ You’d type in your name and that of your “dream partner” and the website would hurl a random percentage right back at your face; yet you were unsatisfied that despite your 3 8 17 entries that day, your crush would never be informed of your feelings for him/her.

Fast-forward to 2013: Facebook is probably the center of your (online) universe, and your cupid-like peers have drastically changed the love game. Enter “Brown Admirers,” a Facebook page through which you can submit a light-hearted message to a crush or individual you’ve been admiring from afar in the form of a Google Doc. The page’s administrators then post your submission on its timeline and tag the person to whom the message was directed. You can submit the message anonymously or with your name, or you can even include little clues to help them determine who the sender is. In other words, your crush will definitely get the message but the extent to which you reveal yourself to him/her is completely in your hands.  Continue Reading