Rosetta Stone: Here’s your Starbucks name


This is supposed to be “Paola.”

Ever notice how your cup at Starbucks has interesting phonetic variations of your name, but never quite the right one? Well I haven’t, because I don’t actually go to Starbucks. But Tumblr knows what you’re talking about. And so does Virginia. Ouch.

So why is this phenomenon so common at Starbucks? Well, maybe your barista actually has malicious intent, like this devil. Maybe you stuttered. Or, the most likely explanation: your name is just weird.

The solution to this serious problem appeared to me like a donut during finals period. If you provide your real name, you get a Starbucks-ified one on your cup. So if you tell your barista your Starbucks-ified name, they’ll mark down every Latin character of your name in beautiful black felt marker for all the world to behold! Flawless logic!

In any case, after tirelessly analyzing pictures of incorrectly-spelled names for many an hour, I have extracted the secret Starbucks name encoding algorithm and made it available to you — for free! You’ll never have to worry about some rando named “Berry” picking up the iced coffee for which you, Mary, waited so patiently. You need that overpriced caffeine to get you through finals, and you need it now, amirite? Check it out after the jump.

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Just when you thought the Blue Room couldn’t get any more awesome

It’s reading period, which means caffeine is even more of a necessity than usual.  Luckily, the Blue Room just added flavored lattes to their repertoire, so now you can satisfy your sweet tooth simultaneously with your coffee fix.  The flavor shots cost an extra dollar, but they save you the annoyance of having to walk to Thayer from the Rock. It’s a quick way to act when the caramel latte craving strikes and your fear of being filmed in the bathroom reigns supreme.

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Chow Down Brown: Blue State State of Mind

The College Hill Café brings together two spectacular things: Blue State’s coffee and the ability to use declining balance. It’s hard to even consider going to the Blue State hub further up Thayer when you can use Monopoly money at its bookstore location. If you’re lucky enough to snag a table near a plug, it makes an excellent study location, too, within easy reach of as much caffeine as your little heart desires.

This experience is only made all the merrier by the discovery of two more spectacular things: dirty chai and grilled cheese. Dirty chai, in addition to being fun to order, is delicious to drink. It’ll give you your coffee jolt and tea fix simultaneously by way of an espresso shot dumped into a tall glass of creamy, spicy chai. (How did it take humanity so long to put those two together?) Sip this alongside Blue State’s rendition of the grilled cheese, which panini-presses multigrain bread with sharp white cheddar until it’s charred just-so, providing you with a crispy, melty, soul-warming final product. The sandwich itself inspires angelic choruses; the combination is a magical thing, the perfect fuel for a Sunday afternoon spent studying.

Chow Down Brown: Alternative Energy

Thanksgiving must be a cruel joke. Lavished with a few days off and preposterous amounts of home-cooked food, we start sliding into complacency only to plummet back into academia full-force. Where did all this work even COME from? And how is it already December?

Our last line of defense in this harsh climate is caffeine, the magical drug that provides energy boosts for all-nighters and socially acceptable drunkenness minus the hangover. When the coffeehouse became a ubiquitous part of American culture, it gave way to an endless brainstorm of avenues for this addictive compound. Why not use this finals period as an opportunity to explore them all? Some favorite alternatives to your standard cup of joe after the jump. Continue Reading

Morning Mail Fail: Sleep edition

Today’s Morning Mail came with the first tip in a week to better sleep from Health Services. It told readers they should avoid or limit intake of caffeine, nicotine and alcohol – which can all cause disturbances to sleep.

Now’s not exactly the right time to tell students to lay off the caffeine. How else are we supposed to stay awake to do all the reading, writing and studying required of us? And without alcohol, how are we supposed to cope with the crushing weight of finals?

Thanks, Health Services, for a well-intentioned message at the totally wrong time. We’ll be looking forward to what other sleeping tips we’ll receive this week. Next you’ll probably be telling us we shouldn’t go to Cinco de Mayo Fish Co.

Best. Day. Ever.

Reports are in: Blue Room iced coffee is back.