There is a solace I find in chocolate that not even the arms of a man like Ryan Reynolds/Gosling/Seacrest could provide me. Whether it’s “extra dark” or “extra white,” or just rejects oppressive labels altogether, I’m up for chocolate all day every day. The beautiful thing is that chocolate is readily available and replenishable, which are things you can’t really say about modern relationships. And if you’re an ardent admirer of Chocolove like me, you’ll feel like your love is actually requited.
Ok, no, so I’m not being delusional and imagining that chocolate is an animated being [yet]. I’m talking about Chocolove, the chocolate that loves you back. What makes Chocolove unique is that each bar contains a cute love poem inside its packaging. I mean come on, how lovely is this? Even the wrapper itself is crafted in the style of a stamped love letter from back in the day (AKA when a text with a half-assed heart emoji did not count as an unequivocal expression of true love). If you visit the Campus Market in Faunce, you’ll quickly notice a stand with a diverse medley of Chocolove flavors. Frankly, good luck not wanting to spend the rest of your flex points on these wonderful chocolate bars. You’ll feel like you’re Charlie in Willy Wonka’s majestic factory, and it will undoubtedly provide a mini escape from your midterm blues.
F’real experienced brief success as a child rapper in the ’90s
Seen this logo on placards in the Blue Room? On napkin holders in the Ivy Room? Seen that futuristic-looking blue machine in the Campus Market? Well, connect the dots next time. Turns out the machine makes super delicious, David Hasselhoff-endorsed smoothies/milkshakes from F’real.
Think a McFlurry but with a slightly more boutique feel and just as many calories (more on this later). You pick a flavor from the freezer – smoothie flavors include mango and strawberry banana; milkshake flavors include mint chip, vanilla, caramel chocolate crunch (limited edition!), and cookies and cream – get the magical silver cup in position, and watch it go to work. You even get to witness a weirdly hilarious, stylized imagination of what’s going on inside the machine on an LED screen: an attractive woman in a flannel throws in some fruit, Santa throws in some milk; you get the picture. It’s the Terminator’s answer to tipping at Coldstone Creamery. You see that picture below? That’s “F’reality.” It’s scary.
Clearly this is what George Lucas has planned for the next Indiana Jones movie
Now, to the buzz-kill. Caramel chocolate crunch was delicious. 620 calories of delicious. The other shakes tend to run 550 calories (about half from fat, a scary percentage of your daily saturated fat intake). If you can’t tell, F’real loves your arteries. In fact, at $3.69 a pop, I would say this gives a spicy with a run for its money on the ratio of calories per cent spent. For a (relatively) lighter choice, the smoothies run a somewhat more reasonable 260 calories.
Oh, and did I mention that the Campus Market in the basement of Faunce is giving out free samples from noon to 2:00 p.m. today, with a raffle for a free F’real t-shirt? #FreeFoodDigest.
Images via and via.